Jokes of the day:
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How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
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Odum, an elderly black called before the justice of the peace, was charged with keeping a vicious dog. "That dog bit my girl Bobbie Jo three times," complained the mother. "Did your dog bite little Bobbie Jo?" asked the judge. "No sir," said Odum. "My dog, he never bit any little girl." "Well," said the judge to the mother, "this man says the dog didn't bite your little girl." "I'll go home and bring Bobbie Jo here and show you," said the woman. "Hold on," said the black man. "In the first place the dog is so old he ain' got no teeth and he can't bite. In the second place the dog is blind and couldn't see Bobbie Jo anyhow. In the third place the dog is deaf and can't hear a thing, and in the fourth place he ain't my dog in the first place."
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What does a Chihuahua wear to play basketball? Small basketball shoes!
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What's a glow worms favorite song? Wake me up before you glow glow!
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Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved.
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What did the diver say to the oyster? I want that pearl! Don't be shellfish!
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What do you call a blonde with a leather jacket? A rebel without a clue.
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Q: How do you sink a polish battleship? A: Put it in water!
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What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? A waist of time.
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Doctor: What seems to be the trouble? Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say. Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
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There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi, I'm a zebra! What are you?" "I'm a cow." "Right, right. What do you do?" "I make milk for the farmer." "Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?" "I'm a chicken." "Oh, right. What do you do?" "I make eggs for the farmer." "Right, great, see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?" "I am a Stallion," said the stallion. "Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?" "Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."
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What do you call a bunch of killer whales playing musical instruments? An orca-stra.
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One day, a dog ran out into the street and was killed by a passing car. The woman was in tears that night when her husband came home. His efforts to comfort her were to no avail. Finally, he said, "Darling, stop crying and I'll buy you a new hat." "But," she cried, "if you knew how much I miss him you'd make that a fur coat."
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What do you get when you cross a sled dog with an elephant? A tusky!
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What does a woman and KFC have in common? By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
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Q: Why did the Navy switch to liquid soap? A: It's harder to pick up.
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What do single people call Valentine's Day? Independence Day
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Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone ... more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.
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Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas? A: Highway 55.
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What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle and a rooster? Cockerpoodledoo!
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After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?". Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
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My ex is looking for a job but I don't think satan is retiring anytime soon so I suppose she'll be unemployed for a while.
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Q: How did the Polish mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on? A: Yellow in the front, brown in the back!
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Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant? A: When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
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What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison.
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What is worse than a dog howling at the moon? Two dogs howling at the moon.
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Q: How did a blind man meet his wife? A: On a blind date!
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Thank you for calling 911. All of our operators are currently busy. Please stay on the line, and your call will be answered in the order it was received. (Worst Muzak possible.) Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. Or, if your little emergency isn't too serious, leave a message at the tone, and one of our crisis operators will call you back. Have a nice day.
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What is a chameleon's motto? A change is as good as a rest!
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What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms? One's a Goodyear, and the other's a great year.
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A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, "Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!" She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I'm sorry, I think he's too far in."
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What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend? He wipes
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How does a blonde get hurt raking leaves? She falls out of the tree!
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Tall people don't need to be inspirational Everyone already looks up to them.
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What kind of pants do you buy for your pet Chihuahua? Shorts!
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How can you tell a dog from an elephant? The elephant remembers.
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Q: What do you do if a blond throws a pin at you? A: Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.
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A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
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In what town lives the mathematician who can only multiply by two? Dublin.
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What goes eek, eek, bang? A mouse in a minefield!
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How did cows feel when the branding iron was invented? They were very impressed!
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What wears a black, white, and tan coat but has no hair? A bald beagle!
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Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an olympic team? A: Cause all of their runners, swimmers, and jumpers are in the United States.
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Why do dogs turn around three times before lying down? One good turn deserves another.
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A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
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A guy came home to his wife and said to her: "Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 AM start, 2 PM finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!" "That's great," his wife said. "Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start on Monday."
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Q: How can you identify an Irish pirate? A: He's the one with patches over both eyes.
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Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm so depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.
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Q: Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals look out the window in the morning? A: So they have something to do in the afternoon.
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