Jokes of the day:

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    • A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer. "We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too." "Very clever!" remarks the other patron. Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?" "Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being refered to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?" "Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!"

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    • Q: What kind of dog does a dracula like? A: A Bloodhound.

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    • I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?

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    • A snobbish Park Avenue matron walked 'into a pet shop and ordered the proprietor to give her the finest dog he had in the store. He showed her several of his prize animals but she was dissatisfied. Finally, he picked up an adorable little pup and handed it to her. "Is he pedigreed?" "Pedigreed, indeed?" smirked the owner. "If this dog could talk, he wouldn't speak to either of us."

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    • What did one firefly say to the other? Got to glow now!

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    • Hello, this is your local zoo. Do you like animals? We are experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower?

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    • An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. 'All set back here, Captain,' came the reply, 'except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business'>business cards.'

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    • How many Scottish highlanders does it take to change a light bulb? There can be only one.

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    • When my pet goldfish died my parents thought it would be a great idea to replace it with a hamster... Poor little guy drowned in seconds..

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    • What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps!

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    • Why do pens get sent to prison? To do long sentences!

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    • Ask a person for the time. "11:24? So today is June 5, 2020, at 11.24 PM, thanks I just wanted to be able to remember the exact moment that I met you."

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    • A woman telephoned a veterinarian and asked him to come examine her cat. I don't know what's wrong with her," the woman told him. "She looks as if she's going to have kittens, but that's impossible. She's never been out of the house except for when I had her on a leash." The vet examined the cat and said there was no question about her pregnancy. "But she can't be," protested the woman. "It's impossible." At that point a large tom cat emerged from under the sofa. "How about him?" asked the vet. "Don't be silly," answered the woman. "That's her brother."

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    • Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? A: To win the no-bell prize.

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    • Q: What is a bus ?A: A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

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    • What does a parent say to their boy who keeps missing the toilet? Urine trouble.

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    • C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!

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    • Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote? They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.

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    • My dog is great at math. Really ? Ask him how much is two minus two. But two minus two is nothing! That's what he'll answer, nothing!

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    • A famous magician had a thundering finish to his act. He would fill a large bowl with shit and proceed to slurp it noisily, to the amazement of his audience. One night he had just begun the wow finish of his act when he stopped in his tracks. "Go ahead," said the stage manager. "Eat the shit, eat the shit!" "I just can't do it", said the magician. "There's a hair in it!"

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    • How can you tell a dogwood tree? By its bark!

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    • Q: What's the difference between a golfer and a fisherman? A: When a golfer lies he doesn't have to bring anything home to prove it!

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    • Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

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    • Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery? He's so happy that he's giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.

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    • How are you going to pay the Chihuahua who helped you to set up your computer? With dog diskettes!

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    • What is the most religious insect? A mosque-ito!

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    • A client of a hospital where they made rain'>brain transplantations asked about the prices. The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. rain'>brain costs $10,000. This rain'>brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a blonde's rain'>brain as well. It costs $50,000." The client asked, "What? How's that possible?" The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

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    • What is love? The energy of life. What is marriage? The energy bill ...

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    • Where did the Chihuahua sign its contract for its TV commercials? On the bottom!

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    • What is a Rastafarian's favorite country? Yemen

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    • How does it feel to be the most beautiful girl in this room?

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    • One behaviorist to another after lovemaking: "Darling that was wonderful for you. How was it for me?"

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    • If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

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    • What's gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves? Stalagmice!

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    • Blonde: "Excuse me, what time is it right now?" Woman: "It's 11:25PM." Blonde: (confused look on face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer."

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    • Ive been eating eggs thinking they came from an egg plant. Im going to be sick, now that I know where they really come from.

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    • Freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door

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    • What is a collie puppy's favorite toy? A chew-chew train!

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    • What's the difference between life and wife's rant? Life eventually ends.

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    • Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an olympic team? A: Cause all of their runners, swimmers, and jumpers are in the United States.

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    • Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks, "Where did you get that?" A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

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    • Q: What did King Tut say to the museum? A: I want my mummy!

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    • Q: What do you call a woman who marries an old, ugly and poor man? A: Stupid!

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    • You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me.

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    • Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

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    • Mrs. Johnson phoned the plummer because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large doberman inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!" Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts. As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!" To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

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    • Q: Where does Napolean keep his armies? A: In his sleevies!

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    • I went hunting the other day, said Harris, "and the dogs got in the way of a skunk. They finally gave up the chase." "Did they lose the scent?" asked his neighbour. "They gave up the skunk, but I don't think they'll ever lose the scent."

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    • Treat your guests like family, so they don't stay too long.

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