Jokes of the day:
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What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? The purrpatrator.
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What should you do if you see a vicious dog? Hope he doesn't see you.
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Which is the cats' all-time favorite song? "Three Blind Mice."
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What kind of dog always needs a shave? A bearded collie!
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How did the dog make anti-freeze? He stole her blanket.
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Q: What are the four worst words you could hear during a round of golf? A: It's still your turn!
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Q: What do you get if you cross a lamp with a violin? A: You get light music.
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Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.
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What did the mother turkey say to her naughty son? If your dad knew how you were acting he'd roll over in his gravy!
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A redneck calls up the White House and tells the receptionist: "I'd like to become the next President of the United States. "The receptionist: "What are you, an idiot?" Redneck: "Why, is it required?"
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How many seasons are there in a dogs life? Just one, the moulting season!
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What do you get if cross a Tomcat with a Pekingese? A Peking Tom!
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Why isn't there gambling in Africa? Too many cheetahs.
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Q: What's the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer? A: The taste!
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Do you want to see a picture of a beautiful person? (hold up a mirror)
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Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? A: To see what was on the other side.
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Try it out: Talking Cat Leo -
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What kind of dog is a person's best friend? A palmatian!
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Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
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Try it out: Cat Run -
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A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM. "Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!" She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!" He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands. "Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
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Q: What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator? A: Shut the door, I'm dressing!
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The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."
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What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache!
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Where do frogs keep their treasure? In a croak of gold at the end of the rainbow!
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Try it out: Toilet Cat Paper Run -
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What dog is always tired in London? An English sleep dog.
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I am writing a book about the history of camping. It's all in past tents.
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A Polish student was in his the college campus bookstore. Questioning the store clerk about a book for one of his classes, the clerk responded, "This book will do half the job for you." "Good," the Polack replied, "I'll take two."
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What did the elephant say when it saw the Chihuahuas coming down the road? Look out for the mice!
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What happened to your three week diet? I finished it in three days!
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Selkirk offered to sell a Dalmatian to Maxwell for $10, claiming it was a talking dog. "Please buy me," said the canine. "My owner is mean to me, and he beats me with a whip. And I'm really a good dog. I was in the last war. I won the Distinguished Service Cross and the Purple Heart." "That Dalmation really does talk" gasped Maxwell, "Why do you want to sell him for only $10?" "Because," said the dog's owner, "I can't stand a liar."
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Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?" Kathy takes a sniff and replies, "That is nice. What's it called?" "Viens a moi," replies Nancy. "Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?" At this stage the store clerk offers some help., "Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French." Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, "That doesn't smell like cum to me. Does that smell like cum to you?"
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Hendrix didn't need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
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Reverend Johnson, an old black preacher, was warning his parishioners about sin. "Sin," he said, "is like a big dog. There's the big dog of pride, and the big dog of envy, and the big dog of gluttony and finally, brothers, there's the big dog of sex. Now, folks, you gotta kill those big dogs before you're ever gonna get to heaven. It can be done, I know, cause I've done it. I killed the big dog of envy, and the big dog of pride, and the big dog of gluttony and yes, brethren, I killed the big dog of sex!" "Brother!" came a voice from the back of the church, "are you sure that last dog didn't die a nat'chel death?"
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I was writing a paper on my grandfather... But had to stop because he was moving so much.
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What kind of dogs are the best with children? Baby setters!
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What do clouds wear under their clothes? Thunderware.
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There are so many scams on the Internet now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
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Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually exited? A: He's breathing.
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Try it out: Fart Soundboard 2 -
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Guy goes to the doctor to get the results of a health check. Doctor says 'I've got good news and bad news, which do you want first?' Guy says 'good news first.' 'Ok, You got 24 hours to live' 'Dang, what’s the bad news!' 'I shoulda' told you yesterday!'
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Q: Have you heard about the new Iraqi Air Force exercise program? A: Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.
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Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
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Try it out: Unblock Car -
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After thirty-five years of marriage, Bernie is lying on his deathbed and with a tear in his eye he says "Annabel'>Annabel before I die I have to tell you something". She replies "Yes, yes dear anything what is it?" He starts, "The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health." To which the wife nods her head and he continues, "When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going. When our kids grew up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me! And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time. Annabel'>Annabel You've been through everything with me." Bernie says, "So before I die I just want you to know you're a f**king jinx!"
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I like my coffee like I like my woman. Cold and bitter.
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There was a guy who was in love with a beautiful woman, but he had a speech impediment and she wouldn't marry him because he talked funny. He learned of a school that could help him, so he enrolled and was gone for about 3 months. When he came back, his buddy picked him up at the airport and asked, "How'd it go, are you cured?" He said, "Well - sort - of - but - I - must - talk - real - slow - now." His buddy says, "That's OK, she loves you, she'll marry you." So he drops him off at her house. About 2 hours later he's back at his buddy's house. His buddy say's, "Well, how'd it go, are you going to get married?" He said, "No, - I - don't - think - so." His buddy asked, "What happened?" He said, "Well, - we - were - sitting - on - the - couch - talking - and - I - saw - the - cat - playing - with - the - balls - on - the - Christmas - tree - and - I - said, - " Look, - Honey, - after - we're - married , - you - can - do - that - to - me", - but, - by - the - time - I - said - it - and - she - looked, - the - cat - was - licking - his - ass!"
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Why are spiders good swimmers? They have webbed feet!
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What is a Rastafarian's favorite country? Yemen
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If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.
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What do you call a rich frog? A golf blooded reptile!
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A woman's shoes say a lot about her feelings believe it or not. For example, if they're behind her ears, she likes you.
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Outraged wife: Couldn't you think of anything better than coming home drunk like this? Husband: Yes, but she was out of town!
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Try it out: Warp My Talking Face -
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