Jokes of the day:
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A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me." Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?" Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car." Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?" Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet." Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?" Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
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Q: Where does your nose go, when it gets hungry? A: Booger King!
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An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home." "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!" Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" "He said the reflector is broken." "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" "I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake."
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I would tell you another chemistry joke... But all the best ones Argon.
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What do cats like best on a hot day? Mice cream!
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Q: What's the difference between a road-killed deer and a road-killed lawyer? A: There's skid marks in front of the deer!
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Q: What kind of dog does a dracula like? A: A Bloodhound.
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Why did the idiot have his sundial floodlit? So he could tell the time at night!
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Q: How do you sink a polish battleship? A: Put it in water!
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The farmer's collie had just died. He was bemoaning his loss when a little cocker spaniel walked up to him and said, "I heard your collie is dead. How about giving me a job?" "You!" gasped the farmer. "How could a little fellow like you take the place of my big dog?" "I'll show you." He leaped into the driver's seat of the tractor, operated the machine perfectly, turned off the ignition, trotted over to the stable, and milked three cows. "How's that?" he asked the farmer. "Very good," the farmer said, "but let me see how you shuck corn." "Hold it!" exclaimed the cocker spaniel. "Who ever heard of a dog that could shuck corn"
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(As s/he is leaving) Hey aren't you forgetting something? S/he: What? Me!
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What do you get when you cross a Chihuahua with a brave giraffe? A Chihuahua that is not afraid to stick its neck out!
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A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.
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What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar? A sourpuss!
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A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
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Why do cow wear bells? Because their horns don't work.
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Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off and go relax." Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically. He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?" Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"
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Who invented fractions? Henry the 1/8
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Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A: Wiped his ass.
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Well, one night a boy and his girlfriend are out on a date and as the boy pull in his girlfriends drive-way to let her out she tells him to come over the next night for dinner and meet her parents. The boy agrees and the girl says to him that after dinner they will make love. Well the boy agrees and as he is on his way home, he thinks to himself ,"This will be my first time sleeping with someone, so before I go over to her house ill stop by the pharmacy and buy some condoms". Well that day went by and they young boy was on his way to the pharmacy, and as he purchased the condoms the pharmacist gives him a mean look, the boy thinks nothing of it and goes on. Well, when the boy is at his girlfriends house, her mother asks him to say the blessing before dinner, well the boy is going on and on about stuff during the prayer and his girlfriend leans to him and says " I didn't know you were such a religious person" and the boy says back " I didn't know your dad is a pharmacist".
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What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You can step in a poodle!
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A blonde and brunette are walking along and the brunette turns to the blonde and said 'my husband had really bad dandruff, so I gave him head and shoulders.' then the blonde says 'how do you give shoulders?
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What is life like for a wood worm? Boring!
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Why do people love cats? Because they are purrrrr-fect!
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Santa Claus brings poor Rudolph to the vet. He says to the vet, "Doctor, please do something for my Rudolph. His nose won't light up." The vet walks out of the room and returns with a pet carrier. He places the pet carrier next to the reindeer, opens it and out steps a cat. The cat walks around the reindeer and sniffs it. The cat then walks back into the carrier. The animal doctor takes it out of the room and returns. He hands Santa Claus the bill. Santa gasps, "$350 dollars! You didn't do anything for my Rudolph and you're charging me $350 dollars?" The vet shrugged and replied, "That's the usual charge. $50 dollars for the office visit and $300 dollars for the CAT SCAN."
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A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!""Is this her first child?" the doctor queries."No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
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How do you drown a blonde? Put a mirror on the bottom of the swimming pool.
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Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola? A: A violator.
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Who's bad at baseball but fun at parties? A pitcher filled with margaritas!
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So there was a stork carrying an old man and the old man turns to it and says: "Would you at last admit it that we are lost?"
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Arnie was describing his visit to New Orleans to his friend Jason. "Boy, did I meet a lot of southern belles! I went out with a girl named Kitty, and Fran, and Sue, and Myrtle, and Rover, and -" "Rover?" interrupted his friend. "Rover sounds like a dog." "If you think Rover was a dog, you should've seen Kitty, and Fran, and Sue, and Myrtle."
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A guy walks into a laundry run by cats. "Excuse me", he said to the cat in charge, "Can you get milk stains out?" "Sure," replied the cat. "We'll have that stain licked in a minute!"
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A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."
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Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date? A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
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Where do women have the most curly hair? In Africa...
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Why are Chihuahuas such good bedtime storytellers? They have short tales!
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An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
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Q: How did the Polish mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on? A: Yellow in the front, brown in the back!
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What do an elephant and an apricot have in common? They're both grey - well except for the apricot.
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Where do hamsters come from? Hamsterdam!
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I think I can die happy now, coz I've just seen a piece of heaven.
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I'm absolutely incredible in bed. In fact, yesterday I slept 15 hours.
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On her way home a dumb blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
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Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
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What are 3 two letter words that say small? Is it in.
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Levy was taking an adorable Pomeranian for its morning walk when he met his old friend Reznick. "Oh, what a cute little puppy dog," said Reznick. "I got it for my wife," said Levy. "Gee, I wish I could make a trade like that!"
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Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
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Why do pens get sent to prison? To do long sentences!
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What do you get when you cross a sled dog with an elephant? A tusky!
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Blonde: "Excuse me, what time is it right now?" Woman: "It's 11:25PM." Blonde: (confused look on face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer."
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