Jokes of the day:

Are you an interior decorator? When I saw you the room became beautiful.

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Q: Why do men always want their brides to wear white? A: Because they want their dish washer to match their fridge and stove.

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My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I'm already up to 3 times a day"

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What sport do cats play? Hairball!

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What do your call a fish who starts a drug empire? A scarfish

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There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off of you.

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Q: What does a 75-year-old woman have between her breasts that a 25-year-old doesn't? A: Her navel.

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What did the blonde say when she dropped the priceless Ming vase? "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

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Q: What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? A: What a lavaly day!

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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion."

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Q: Why did the gorilla fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead.

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What did the dog say to the pig? You are just a bore.

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How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted!

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Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything! Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem? Patient: What problem?

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What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!

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Who sell the products cheaper, a manufacturer or a distributor? The store guard!

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What has 6 legs, bits and talks in code? A morese-quito!

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What does a cat call a bowlful of mice? A purrr-fect meal!

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The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary. He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?" The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

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Q: Why does the Navy put Marines on board ships? A:Because sheep would be too obvious.

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Detective: I am on the trail of a cat burglar Sergeant: How do you know it's a cat burglar? Detective: All it stole was a saucer and a pint of milk

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What has 8 legs and likes living in trees? Four anti road protesters!

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Thank you for calling 911. All of our operators are currently busy. Please stay on the line, and your call will be answered in the order it was received. (Worst Muzak possible.) Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. Or, if your little emergency isn't too serious, leave a message at the tone, and one of our crisis operators will call you back. Have a nice day.

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During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you." "All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through." In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?" "Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

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Do cucumbers make anyone else burp? Or am I shoving mine up to far?

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Why did the cat put oil on the mouse? Because it squeaked.

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Whats the world weakest animal? A toad, he croaks if you even touch him!

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Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

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What side of a Chihuahua has the most hair? The outside!

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Sometimes I feel like a doctor stuck studying X-rays to gauge the health impacts of excessive sausage eating. I tend to see the wurst in people.

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There was a dumb blonde out on a rowboat one day in the middle of a wheat field. Then another dumb blonde drives by and yells to the one in a rowboat, "It's people like you that give us a bad name!! And if I could swim I would go out there to kick your butt!!!

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Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load!

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1st Woman: My cat thinks it's a chicken. 2nd Woman: Why don't you take it to the vet? 1st Woman: We need the eggs.

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A guy says, "For our Twentieth , I'm taking my wife to Australia." His friend says, "That's going to be tough to beat. What are you going to do for your Twenty-fifth ?" The first guy says, "I'm going to go back and get her."

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Why did the dachshund bite the woman's ankle? Because he was short and couldn't reach any higher!

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What's the best way to measure a Chihuahua? With a ruler!

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How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party

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How did a cat take first prize at the bird show? He just jumped up to the cage, reached in, and took it.

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As Barrett drove along a seldom-traveled backroad, a springer spaniel ran out into the path of the car and was killed instantly. Barrett went to a nearby house. A woman was hanging clothes on a line so he explained what happened. "It's my husband's dog," said the woman, "and he loved that dog a lot. Best hunting dog a man ever had, he always said." "Well," said Barrett, "where is your husband? I think I should be the one to tell him about it." "He's back of the house, chopping wood," she replied. "But I don't want you to shock him what with his bad heart and all. So don't tell him it was the dog right off. Tell him it was me."

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An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds. The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

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Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out. After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together." The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly "Together, together, together."

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Now I lay me down to sleep, leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.

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Why is a dog so warm in Summer? He wears a coat and pants.

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A hound dog and a dalmation were sitting in an Internet cafe and the dalmation said to the hound, "Hey, check out my web site!" The hound asked for the address and the dalmation responded, "www.dalmation.dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot…"

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A man in a bar with his Labrador at his feet was intrigued to see another dog owner enter the bar. "That's a strange looking dog you have there," he said. "Yes, he is rather," said the newcomer, "but he's a great fighter." "Is he now? I bet he isn't as good a fighter as my Fang here." "All right - how much do you wanna bet?" "Ten dollars." "You're on." So the two men let their dogs fight. Eventually the Labrador crawled, battered and bloody, to his master's side. "I'd never thought I'd see Fang get defeated," said the loser's master, handing over the ten dollars, "especially by such an odd-looking one like yours." "Yes, he does look a little peculiar," agreed the winner's master, "but he looked even odder before I shaved his mane off."

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What is a cat's favorite movie? "The Sound of Mewsic."

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The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" so he replies "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir.", interviewer continues, "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" he replies "My country, sir." The interviewer looks at the man, "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her." The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..." The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!", to which the guy replies, "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"

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Q: What does CHAOS stand for? A: The Chiefs Have Arrived On Scene.

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Do you know what Rodeo Sex is? It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!

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Q: What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating? A: Finding half a worm.

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