Jokes of the day:

I woke up suddenly terrified I'm late for work... I opened my eyes and chilled - I'm at work.

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I have a date this weekend with a girl who has a shoe fetish... But I'm a little worried about getting off on the wrong foot.

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Me: "Mom and Dad, I've decided to live on my own from now on." Parents: "Ok, cool." Me: "Your luggage is outside..."

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A drunk was passing a bus intersection when a large St. Bernard brushed against him and knocked him down. An instant later a foreign sports car skidded around the corner and inflicted more damage. A bystander helped the poor fellow up and said, "Are you hurt?" "Well," he answered, "the dog didn't hurt so much, but that tin can tied to his tail nearly killed me."

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Connie stopped at a pet shop and soon fell in love with the puppy playing in the window. She entered the shop to inquire about the pup's pedigree. "The mother is a pure bred Scottie," said the proprietor. "As for the father... well, the father comes from a very good neighbourhood.

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One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..." Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies "F**k me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

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Q: Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals look out the window in the morning? A: So they have something to do in the afternoon.

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Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?

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Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus? A: The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

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How do bees go to school? They take the buzz

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What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!

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I wanted to turn my life around so I tried to stop memeing all the time... ...It made my life memeingless

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A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man playing chess with his cat. She says to the man "I can't believe what I'm seeing, a cat that plays chess, what a clever animal!" The man replied "No lady, this cat is not clever at all. I'm beating it 6 g

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What did the woodworm say to the chair? It's been nice gnawing you!

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Where does a Rottweiller sit in the cinema? Anywhere it wants to!

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Q: Why can't Chinese Barbecue? A: Because the rice falls through the grill

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Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring. "Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving. "Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" "That's easy...just keep her in the waiting room for 59 minutes!"

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What's worse than finding cum stains in your son's underwear? Finding cum stains in the back of the underwear.

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Wife: "What's that beeping?" Me: "Fasten seatbelt alarm." Wife: "How can you ignore something so annoying?" Me: "Huh?"

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I was married 3 times explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull." "That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?" "She wouldn't eat the fucking mushrooms!"

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Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot is faster. Anyone can catch a cold.

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These words are lovely dark and deep. But I’ve got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep. So leave a message at the beep.

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How do you find your dog if he's lost in the woods? Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!

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Q: What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating? A: Finding half a worm.

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Be nice to people on your way up so they won't get suspicious when you're rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

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Why did they bury the Scottish man on the West side of the hill? Because he was dead

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Someone asked a man who had been married for 20 years: "What did you do before you were married sir?" With teary eyes he replied: "Whatever the hell i wanted to do."

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One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings. She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?" The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want." So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one." Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together." Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look. A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

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This deodorant says: "Avoid contact with eyes." Too late... I've already seen it.

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What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog asleep on your bed? Sleep on the sofa.

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Why couldn't the restaurant patron get into his car? He had Gnocchi.

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A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store. His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?" "No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

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What is the cat's favorite TV show? The evening mews!

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A young man goes to his date's house to pick her up. She is not ready yet, so he nervously sits down in the living room with the girl's father who he has met for the first time. The father settles back into a chair and reads the paper, the family dog is laying at the young man's feet. Suddenly a gas pain hits the young man. "Oh no, not in front of her father," he thinks. So he holds it in as long as possible, then finally lets it sneak out making a rather loud noise. The father peeks over the top of the paper and says, "Spot!" The young man thinks, "Great! He thinks its the dog!" Soon another pain strikes and he doesn't hesitate to let it rip. The father puts down the paper, scowls at the dog and says, "Spot!" And goes back to reading the paper. Smiling to himself the young man lets go with the biggest, noisiest one yet. Furious, the father throws down the paper and yells...... "Spot!!! For heaven sake, move before he poops on you!"

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How does a blonde get hurt raking leaves? She falls out of the tree!

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A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.

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My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

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Q: What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the Pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? A: surname

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What do you tell a cow blocking a road? Mooove

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How do you spell "Chihuahua?" "C-h-i-w-o-w-a." That's not even close! But you asked me how I spelled it!

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Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.

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Why does a d dog scratch himself? He is the only one that knows where it itches.

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Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone.

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A man goes to the doctor, and says "I broke my arm in three places." And the doctor says, "Well then don't go to those places anymore."

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Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital! Nurse: What is it? Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now.

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Policeman: Why didn't you obey that stop sign? Driver: I don't believe everything I read.

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A brunette was jumping up and down on a set of railroad tracks saying, "21,21,21." A blonde walked by, noticed the brunette, started jumping up and down on the tracks and repeated what the brunette was saying. The brunette heard a train whistle and jumped off of the tracks. The blonde kept jumping and saying, "21,21,21." The train ran over the blonde. When the train ended, the brunette jumped back on the tracks and started saying, "22,22,22."

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What kind of dog can you best see in the dark? A glowberman pinscher!

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Q: What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy? A: When you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you!

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What is worse than finding a maggot in your apple? Finding half an apple!

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