Jokes of the day:

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    • Why are Americans so good at shooting? They have the best schools for it.

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    • I can't understand the critics saying that only an idiot would like that television program. I really enjoyed it.

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    • A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, "What the hell was that all about?"

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    • Q: What do Israeli soldiers do when they get bored? A: They go over to the West Bank & the Gaza Strip and get stoned.

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    • Q: Do you know what an Australian kiss is? A: It's like a French kiss, but down under.

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    • Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

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    • What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird ? A feather boa!

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    • Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you'll make your own bed. Guest: I'll make my own bed. Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

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    • What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? A chain saw has a dynamic range.

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    • Listen to this: my buddies over there said that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful boy/girl in the bar. Wanna buy some drinks with some of their money?

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    • Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving? A: The police.

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    • A blonde woman strode angrily into the large drug-store-cum-general-store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?" The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for 'cats'?"

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    • What kind of computers do chihuahuas like best? Lap-top!

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    • Q: What did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall? A: Damn

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    • Fulton was walking down the main street of a small town, with a dog on a leash. The animal was a miserable-looking, mangy flea ridden, purple-eyed pup. "Where are you going with that mutt?" asked a friend. "Oh, I'm taking him to the New York Dog Show." "That flea-bitten, raggedy-looking character? You'll never win a prize with him!" "Yes, I know," he replied, "but it'll give him a chance to meet a lot of real nice dogs."

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    • How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.

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    • My standards are so high they just recorded a reggae song.

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    • What is 6 inches long, has a big head and Woman love it? A $100 dollar bill!

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    • What did Shawn like most about his trip to Paris? "He said it was lovely to hear the French pheasants singing the Mayonnaise."

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    • Loomis: Does your dog have a license? Fenton: Hell, no! I do all the drivin'.

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    • What do pirates have with their fish? Tartarrrrrrrr sauce.

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    • Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus? A: The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

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    • What’s green and can jump a mile a minute? A frog with hiccups!

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    • Q: Why can't Chinese Barbecue? A: Because the rice falls through the grill

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    • I've decided to start my own herb garden. I've got a lot of extra Thyme.

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    • Q: What kind of witch goes to the beach? A: Sandwitch

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    • What kind of cats purrs the best? Purrrrr-sians!

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    • Why did the thoughtful father buy his six children a dachshund? He wanted a dog they could all pet at once!

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    • A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating asshole!!", she screams.

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    • Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I’ll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week’s National Enquirer.

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    • Good day, Jim. Your contact, Linda, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.

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    • Did you hear about the Brooklyn bubblerain'>brain who was two hours late for work because the escalator got stuck?

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    • What kind of dogs are the best with children? Baby setters!

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    • Which dog looks like a cat? A police dog in disguise.

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    • I am so lonely. The only ex I have is in my chromosome XY...

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    • What did one flea say to the other after a night out? Shall we walk home or take a dog?

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    • A blonde is working as a lifeguard at a swimming pool when a girl begins to drown, screaming "lifesaver! lifesaver!" The blonde thinks for a moment, and then asks "cherry or grape?"

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    • Did you hear about the dimwit who was so dumb he thought Gatorade was welfare for crocodiles?

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    • What is a French cat's favorite pudding? Chocolate mouse!

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    • Why are spiders like tops? They are always spinning!

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    • An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

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    • What does a caterpillar do on New Years Day? Turns over a new leaf!

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    • What drinks milk, meows, and has eight legs? An octo-puss!

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    • Can a cat play patty-cake? Pawsibly!

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    • Q: What word begins with the letter "F" and ends in "uck"? A: Firetruck

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    • Why did the mosquito go to the dentist? To improve his bite!

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    • An Irishman saw a notice outside a police station which read: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY. So he went in and applied for the job!

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    • Q: What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? A: What a lavaly day!

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    • Are you as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside?

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