Jokes of the day:

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    • A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

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    • What’s white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions? A hot frog!

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    • Q: Why do they have so much trouble with the phone systems in China? A: Because there are so many Wings and so many Wongs that someone's always Winging the Wong number.

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    • What did the dog say after a hard day at work ? Today sure was ruff

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    • Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

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    • Keller paid a lot of money for Buck, a golden retriever. One morning Keller went duck hunting with Buck. Within ten minutes he shot a duck that fell into a pond. Buck ran over the surface of the water, picked up the duck, returned running over the top of the water, and laid it at the feet of his master. The rest of the morning every bird that fell into the pond when shot was retrieved by Buck running over the top of the water without even wetting his feet. Around noon time Keller met a fisherman. While they chatted a duck flew by and Keller quickly sent it hurtling down into the middle of the pond. Once again, Buck ran out over the top of the water, retrieved the duck, and brought it back. "I just bought this dog yesterday and he cost me a lot of dough," said Keller. "Well, they pulled a fast one on you," said the fisherman, "the dog can't even swim."

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    • What time is it when your watchdog lets a robber take the family silver? Time to get a new watchdog.

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    • A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession A funeral coffin was followed by a second one About 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in Single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is It?" The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife." "What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also." A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first One asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Join the queue."

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    • Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.

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    • How many letters are in the alphabet during the Christmas Season? Only 25...because there's Noel.

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    • Q: Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children? A: They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese.

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    • Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone.

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    • In which month do cats meow the least? February - it's the shortest month.

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    • A famous magician had a thundering finish to his act. He would fill a large bowl with shit and proceed to slurp it noisily, to the amazement of his audience. One night he had just begun the wow finish of his act when he stopped in his tracks. "Go ahead," said the stage manager. "Eat the shit, eat the shit!" "I just can't do it", said the magician. "There's a hair in it!"

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    • Good day, Jim. Your contact, Linda, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.

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    • Q: What are the four worst words you could hear during a round of golf? A: It's still your turn!

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    • 1st Woman: My cat thinks it's a chicken. 2nd Woman: Why don't you take it to the vet? 1st Woman: We need the eggs.

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    • Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?

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    • Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you'll make your own bed. Guest: I'll make my own bed. Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

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    • What do you call a blonde with a leather jacket? A rebel without a clue.

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    • Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

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    • Alsation: What did you do in art class today? Chihuahua: Panting on paper!

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    • When the AirForce 1 prepares to land, the Captain speaks over the intercom: "The seatbelt sign is on Mr. President Clinton, would you please put the stewardess in the upright position."

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    • As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."

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    • The front door was accidentally left open and our dog was gone. After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got in the car and went looking for him. He drove around the neigbourhood for some time with no luck. Finally he stopoed beside a couple

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    • A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...." "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

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    • Why didn't the Blonde have any ice cubes for her party? She lost the recipe.

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    • Q: What did the boy vampire say to the girl vampire? A: See you next period.

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    • What is green, red and goes 90 miles per hour? A frog in a blender.

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    • Who is there? Police! What do you want? We want to talk. How many of you are there? Two. So talk with each other!

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    • What looks like half a cat? The other half!

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    • Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone. I am an electrical engineer. I can do that.

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    • My phone got arrested today... It was charged with battery.

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    • I think it's pretty cool Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.

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    • What did the dog get when he multiplied 497 by 684? The wrong answer.

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    • Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you? A: They get elected.

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    • I wanted to turn my life around so I tried to stop memeing all the time... ...It made my life memeingless

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    • Q: What's the quickest way to a woman's heart? A: Straight through the rib cage.

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    • What's gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves? Stalagmice!

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    • Do you want to see a picture of a beautiful person? (hold up a mirror)

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    • Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

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    • Finally figured out the reason why l look so bad in pictures. It's my face.

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    • What is the difference between a female blond and a female mosquito? A female mosquito can raise a family when she is done sucking.

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    • What do elephants in the zoo get for lunch? Half an hour, just like the rest of the animals.

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    • If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam I'd have $ 6.30 now

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    • Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions? A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

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    • One behaviorist to another after lovemaking: "Darling that was wonderful for you. How was it for me?"

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    • This blonde was at a coke machine and and put her change in and mashed a button and out comes a drink. So she puts some more change in and pushed another button and out comes a drink. She keeps putting change in and pushing buttons and getting drinks. Here comes a man and asks the blonde if she is gonna be through at this machine any time soon and she responds "I'm not gonna quit until I stop winning."

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    • Who gave the dog a black eye? Nobody gave it to him. He had to fight for it.

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