Jokes about Animals

Which side of a dog has the most hair? The outside, of course.

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Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.

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How are you going to pay the Chihuahua who helped you to set up your computer? With dog diskettes!

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What is the cat's favorite TV show? The evening mews!

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What did the dog say to the candle? Are you going out tonight?

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How can you tell a dog from a tomato? The tomato is red.

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Why doesn't a dog ever have a nose 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

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Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.

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What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear? A petticoat!

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Peter smuggled a puppy with him on an airliner by hiding it inside his pants. During the flight, the hostess saw him grinning broadly and asked why. He told her what he had done. "But," asked the stewardess, "is the puppy housebroken?" "Hell," said Peter, "he ain't even been weaned yet!"

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Alsation: What is your favorite holiday? Chihuahua: Howloween!

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What do you call a bug that bothers dogs on Halloween? A trick-or-fleat!

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Gary was practicing his violin lesson in the house, while out on the porch his younger sister Lynne was playing with the dog. As the boy scraped away on his fiddle, the hound howled dismally. Lynne stood it as long as she could, then she poked her head in the open window and said, "For goodness sake, Gary, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"

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Maggie, a dog who had worked with police investigation team, applied for vacancy in the FBI. He went and met the HR. The HR said, "You'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute." Maggie sat on the typewriter and typed 80 words per minute. Then HR asked "you must pass a physical test and complete the obstacle course." Again, Maggie did well in the round. Then HR asked, there's one last requirement," "you must be bilingual." With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

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What is a cat's favorite song? Three Blind Mice

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What should you know before you teach your puppy a new trick? You should know more than your puppy!

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Falker's short, unhappy life ended at forty-seven. His widow bought a dog to ease her loneliness. The sorrow mellowed as she became more attached to the dog. "She's happy because she's gotten back into her old pattern of living," reported a neighbour. "That dog is a perfect substitute for her husband. He's out all day, sleeps all evening, and she feeds him out of cans."

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Where did the dog breeder keep his savings ? In bark-lays bank !

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What dog is always tired in London? An English sleep dog.

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The police department, famous for its superior canine (K-9) unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident. Returning home from work a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash the blonde ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, 'I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!'

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Small girl: I'd buy that dog, but his legs are too short! Clerk: Too short? Why, all four of them touch the floor.

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A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child concluded. "No silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant!"

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What kind of dog is very scary on Halloween? A ghouldog!

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What are you drawing? "I just drew a picture of a dog eating bones." "That's interesting, but where are the bones?" "Oh, well, the dog ate all the bones." "And where's the dog?" "You don't expect the dog to stay there after he'd eaten all the bones!"

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Why didn't the German shepherd bark when the robber broke into the house? It had laryngitis!

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For a holiday, Donnelly decided to go to Switzerland to fullfill a lifelong dream by climbing the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and went up. Just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide. Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin. "Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!" "Yeah," said Donnelly. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!

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What does a cat call a bowlful of mice? A purrr-fect meal!

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Why should you never watch a video with a Chihuahua? It always plays with the "paws" button on the VCR.

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Why can't the T-rex clap its hands? Because it's dead.

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The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good. To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!

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What place of business'>business helps dogs who have lost their tails? A retail store.

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What did the tangerine say when it saw the Chihuahua? Nothing. Tangerines can't talk!

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What flower did Lassie like best? A collie flower.

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Winslow walked into the saloon and asked for a double bourbon. Suddenly he looked up and realized that tending bar, apron and all, was a large dog. "What's the matter," asked the canine, "haven't you ever seen a dog tending bar before?" "Oh, it's not that," said Winslow. "What happened to the horse? Did he sell the joint to you?

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Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!" "Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

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Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat? Cats can't drive!

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Why do cats chase birds? For a lark!

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Alsation: I'll see you shortly. Chihuahua: Okay, but don't call me "Shortly!"

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What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!

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What is a cat's favorite car? The Catillac.

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Rabinowitz walked into Gold's Theatrical Agency with a puppy under his arm. "I got here an attraction that'll make you a million dollars. I got a little puppy dog that plays an electric piano and sings My Yid-dishe Mama." "I don't believe it," said Gold. Rabinowitz opened up a suitcase, pulled out a tiny piano, put the puppy at it and the dog began playing and singing. The theatrical agent leaped up and shouted, "My God! We'll clean up a fortune!" Just then the door opened and in walked a big dog, grabbed the puppy by the neck, and ran out with him. "What the hell was that?" asked the agent. "That's the puppy's mother," answered Rabinowitz. "She wants him to be a doctor!

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Harrison walked into the police station to report that his wife was missing. The sergeant began writing up the case. "How tall is she?" "About so high, give or take a little." "How much does she weigh?" "About average, I guess." "Color eyes?" "Neutral. I'm not too sure." "Hair color?" "I don't know. It changes." "What was she wearing?" "I suppose a hat and a coat." "Was she carrying anything?" "Yeah, a dog on a leash." "What kind of dog?" "A pedigreed white and gray German Shepherd, weighing thirty-nine pounds, six hands high, license 21-14-697-41-AFY, wearing a black collar, slightly deaf in the left ear, and answers to the name of Sam!"

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What's the best way to measure a Chihuahua? With a ruler!

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What is the difference between a barking dog and an umbrella? The umbrella can be shut up.

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The henpecked husband finally had a breakdown and thought he was a dog. He ate dog food, slept at the foot of the bed, and barked at the mailman. His wife took him to the doctor, who sent him to the hospital. Two months later he seemed himself again. He ate regular food, watched television, talked to everyone, and seemed fine. The doctor decided to release him, and the man was ecstatic. "I know I'm better, Doctor," he said. "Just feel how cool my nose is."

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The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. - A cat shows up. St Peter says "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted." Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it." St Peter: "That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in." Next a group of mice appeared. St Peter: "Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn't steal food from anyone's house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted." The Chief Mouse replied, "Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?" St Peter: "Granted. You shall have your wish." Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat. "Well, Cat...Did you enjoy the satin pillow?" Cat: "Oh, indeed I did. And say...that "Meals on Wheels" thing was a nice touch, too!"

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Why did the sick eagle get deported? Because he was an illeagle.

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If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat? None! They were copy cats.

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Eleven dogs shared one umbrella, yet none got wet. How did they manage? It wasn't raining.

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What did one cat say to another? Have you heard the mews today!

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What dog loves to take bubble baths? A shampoodle!

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What's a dog favourite hobby? Collecting fleas!

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What do you call a loving cat bite? Cat nip!

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What is taller when it sits down than when it stands up? A dog.

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O'Brien was seated in a train beside a pompous man who was accompanied by a dog. "This a fine dog you have," said the Irishman. "What kind is it?" "A cross between an Irishman and an ape," replied the man. "Sure, an' it's related to both of us," said the Irishman.

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A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He walks up to the bar and takes a seat, the giraffe does the same. The man orders a beer for himself and a double scotch for the giraffe. They both proceed to drink and after a while they order the same again. They continue all night, ordering the same drinks, drinking them and ordering another load until suddenly the giraffe falls off his stool and lies unconscious on the floor. The man gets up of his stool and heads for the door. The barman shouts at him as he heads out the door 'You can't leave that lyin' 'ere!' to which the man replies, 'Its not a lion its a giraffe!

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Clarence minced into a bar with a huge Great Dane and lisped, "Scotch and soda!" "We don't serve fags in here!" sneered the bartender, "You better serve me," said the swish, "or I'll sick my dog on you!" Clarence turned to the Great Dane and said, "All right, Bruce, sick 'em!" The Great Dane leaped over the bar, pinned the bartender against the wall and barked, "Bowsie! Wowsie!"

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Did you hear about the lawyer on cation'>vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters? He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help. As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins -- great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer. To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and escorted him safely to shore. When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had managed such an incredible feat. The lawyer answered, "Professional courtesy."

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How does a Chihuahua hide in the desert? It uses camel-flage!

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The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

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Benson had been bitten by a dog, and the wound was taking a long time to heal. Finally he consulted a doctor, who took one look and ordered the dog brought in. The M.D. knew the dog had rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient a serum, the medico felt he had to prepare him for the worst. At that moment, Benson sat down at the doctor's desk and began to write. "Perhaps it won't be so bad," said the physician. "You needn't make out your will right now." "I'm not making out any will," said the man. "I'm just writing out a list of people I'm going to bite."

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How is a cowardly dog like a leaky faucet? They both run.

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What does a cat do when it gets mad? It has a hissy fit.

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I just spotted a Chihuahua! That wasn't very nice, you shouldn't draw on dogs!

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The rich Beverly Hills widow loved her poodle, Poopie, even more than her dead husband. Poopie had his own appendicitis operation, all his teeth capped, and a special wardrobe designed by Yves St. Laurent. One evening she sent for the new butler. "Did you ring, madam?" "Yes, Harrison, I wish you to take Poopie out walking for two hours." "But Poopie won't follow me, madam," he replied. "Then, Harrison, you must follow Poopie."

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When are Pomeranians good at taking photographs? Only when they snap at something!

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A man took his dog to the vets and asked the vet to completely remove the dogs tail. The vet confused said "Why do you want me to do that? The dogs tail is perfectly healthy." The man replied "Well the wifes mother comes this weekend and I want to make sure there are no signs of any welcome!"

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What does a bee say before it stings you? This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you!

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Honking the whole time isn't going to make everyone in front of you go any faster. Stupid geese.

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How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures? They never cry over spilt milk!

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What did the elephant say when it saw the Chihuahuas coming down the road? Look out for the mice!

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Why do cow wear bells? Because their horns don't work.

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Teacher: Name four members of the cat family. Alex: Daddy cat, mummy cat and two kittens!

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Reid, the television repairman, arrived at the Denker home and found his way was blocked by a snarling, barking dog. "Don't be afraid of him," exclaimed Mrs. Denker. "You know the old proverb 'A barking dog never bites.'" "Yeah," said the repairman. "You know the old proverb. I know the old proverb. But does the dog know the old proverb?"

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Mrs. Pennington was out walking her small Pekingese when she stopped to look down at an excavation where men were working. In one corner, a giant crane was stuck in a mudhole, and the men were trying to pull it out with the aid of a tractor. After a minute, Mrs. Pennington noticed the foreman standing next to her. "Lady, could we borrow your dog for a minute?" he asked. "What for?" "We'll hitch him up," said the man in charge, "and pull out that there crane." "What?" said the woman. "How can that little dog lift that great big crane? It's impossible!" "Oh, that's okay, lady," said the foreman. "We got whips."

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A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?" Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

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What does a Chihuahua call its mom and dad? Chimama and Chipapa!

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What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog asleep on your bed? Sleep on the sofa.

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How did the dog make gold soup? He put in 24 carrots.

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What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat? A peeping tom.

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Meeting in Central Park, a huge boxer stopped and wagged his tail in friendly greeting to a Russian wolfhound. "How do you like America?" he asked. "Well, it's different from my homeland," said the wolfhound. "In Russia I eat bones dipped in vodka and caviar. In Russia I have my own doghouse made of rare Siberian wood. In Russia I sleep on a rug made of thick warm ermine." "Then why did you come to America?" "I like to bark once in a while."

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What do you call a dog in jeans and a sweater? A plain clothes police dog!

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What do you call an alcoholic dog? A whino!

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A guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken under his arm, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!" The girl tells him that he can't take a chicken into the theater, so he goes around the corner, stuffs the chicken into his trousers, and returns. He buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his fly so the chicken can stick its head out - get some air and watch the movie. Sitting next to him is Agnes. She elbows Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!" Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it.....you've seen one, you've seen them all." Agnes says, "I know......but this one's eating my Popcorn

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Why did the poor dog chase his own tail? He was trying to make both ends meet!

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What is the best kind of dog to direct traffic at a busy intersection? A pointer!

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What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla? An animal that puts you out a night!

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Wojawicz walked into the department store with his mangy mutt. A floorwalker rushed over, pointed to the sign that read: 'No Dogs Allowed.' "Hey, Mister," he demanded of Wojawicz, "can't you read?" "So," said the Polack, "who's smoking?"

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What do you get if you take a really big dog out for a walk? A Great Dane out!

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Why do elephants have big flat feet? A: To stomp out burning ducks.

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Can a cat play patty-cake? Pawsibly!

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Why do you always find the cat in the last place you look? Because you stop looking after you find it.

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A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, have you got any bread? The bartender replies no, we only sell beer here, so the ducks walks out. He walks in the next day and says to the bartender, have you got any bread? The bartender says, I told you yesterday, we only sell beer, so the ducks walks out. He walks back in the next day and says to the bartender, got any bread? the bartender says, if u come in here tomorrow asking for bread I'll nail your beak to the bar, so the duck walks out. He walks in the next day and says to the bartender, got any nails? No he answers. Got any bread?

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What kind of dog is the smartest? A great rain'>brain!

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Garber was driving along a country road when he saw a big sign - BEWARE OP THE DOG. Farther down the road was another sign - BEWARE OF THE DOG. Finally he arrived at the farmhouse and there was a Pekingese standing in front of the house. "Do you mean to say," asked Garber, "that little dog keeps strangers away?" "No," replied the farmer, "but the signs do."

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Why do people love cats? Because they are purrrrr-fect!

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What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck? A duck filled fatty puss!

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If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on? Their paws.

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A guy walks into a laundry run by cats. "Excuse me", he said to the cat in charge, "Can you get milk stains out?" "Sure," replied the cat. "We'll have that stain licked in a minute!"

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Hobson had been seeing a headshrinker for some months because he thought he was a poodle. One day a friend stopped him and asked, "How's the treatment going?" "Well," said Hobson, "I can't say I'm cured yet, but I've made some progress. My psychiatrist has stopped me from chasing cars."

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What dog would you want on your American football team? A golden receiver!

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Why did the cat join the Red Cross? Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit!

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How can you tell if a Chihuahua has been in the refrigerator? Paw prints in the butter!

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What dog is a cousin to the Dalmatian? A spot-weiler!

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Your Honor, it was an accident! I had to run into the fence to keep from hitting the cow! Was it a Jersey cow? I don't know, I didn't see her license plate!

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What did the cat say when he lost all his money? I'm paw!

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Dobson, a Des Moines drunkard, picked up a year-old copy of the London Times and read an ad offering a large reward for the return of a very shaggy dog to its bereft owner in Walton-on-Thames. Ten minutes later Dobson stumbled over the shaggiest pup ever born. He promptly bundled the canine under his arm, hitchhiked to New York, took a freighter to Southhampton and a taxi to Walton-on-Thames. Dobson rushed to the house of the man who had advertised and rang his bell. He opened the door. "Listen," said the drunk, holding up the pooch, "you lost a shaggy dog, is this it?" "I should say not," snapped the man, "it wasn't that shaggy!" and slammed the door in his face.

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A preacher went to buy a parrot and asked - "Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" The salesman said, "Oh no, it's a religious parrot," "Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the Lord's Prayer, and when you pull on the left, he recites the 23rd Psalm." "Wonderful!" says the preacher, "What happens if you pull both strings?" "I fall, you stupid fool!" answered the parrot

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What do you do if your dog eats your pen? Use a pencil instead!

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Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies." A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night. The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the shit out of college students!"

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Why is a dog so warm in Summer? He wears a coat and pants.

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Why did the dog go to the doctor after a tomato fell on his head? The tomato was in a can.

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What do you call a nutty dog in Australia? A dingo-ling!

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What wears a black, white, and tan coat but has no hair? A bald beagle!

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Blendon got onto a plane carrying a little Yorkshire Terrier in his arms. The stewardess, upon seeing the animal, said, "You're not allowed to have the dog with you." Blendon rushed out to an airport shop, bought a leash and dark glasses, and again tried to enter the plane with the tiny Yorkie leading the way. "I'm sorry," said the hostess. "You're not allowed to bring the dog on board!" "But I am blind!" said Blendon, "and this is my seeing-eye dog." "I thought all seeing-eye dogs were German Shepherds," said the stewardess. "You mean he isn't?!"

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What do dogs have that no other animal has? Puppy dogs!

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What do you call twelve Chihuahuas? A dozen!

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It was down South in a dry state. The railroad station was packed with a party on their way to a football game. Over at one side of the waiting room stood Baxter, a quiet little man, fidgeting about and attempting to hide himself from the crowd. A federal agent, assigned to this moonshine-making area, noticed that Baxter had something under his jacket from which drops were falling in slow trickles. The fed, with a gleam in his eye, walked over to him, put a finger out under one of the drops, caught one, and tasted it. "Scotch?" he asked. "Nope," said Baxter. "Airedale pup."

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Why did the dog say meow? He was learning a foreign language.

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What is the best kind of dog to ask for directions? A Chihuahua, because it knows all the shortcuts!

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Why did the dog have a gleam in his eye? Someone bumped his elbow while he was brushing his teeth.

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What does a French poodle say before each meal? Bone appetit!

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Q: What kind of dog does a dracula like? A: A Bloodhound.

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The State Department of Fish and Wildlife for Louisiana is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as "little bells" on their clothing to alert, but not startle the alligators, unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of "pepper spray" in case of an encounter with an alligator. It's also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity and be able to recognize the difference between young alligator and adult alligator droppings. Young'>Young alligator droppings are small, contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.

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What is a cat's favorite subject in school? HISStory.

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What looks like a dog, sounds like a dog, eats like a dog, but isn't a dog? A pup.

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Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes: "Why?"

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Benson and his dog were sitting at a bar. He ordered two martinis. Benson handed one to the dog, who promptly drank it, then ate the glass until only the base and stem remained. Then he left. "That's the craziest thing I've ever seen," said the bartender. "Yeah, he's a dumb dog," said Benson. "The stem is the best part."

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Keller paid a lot of money for Buck, a golden retriever. One morning Keller went duck hunting with Buck. Within ten minutes he shot a duck that fell into a pond. Buck ran over the surface of the water, picked up the duck, returned running over the top of the water, and laid it at the feet of his master. The rest of the morning every bird that fell into the pond when shot was retrieved by Buck running over the top of the water without even wetting his feet. Around noon time Keller met a fisherman. While they chatted a duck flew by and Keller quickly sent it hurtling down into the middle of the pond. Once again, Buck ran out over the top of the water, retrieved the duck, and brought it back. "I just bought this dog yesterday and he cost me a lot of dough," said Keller. "Well, they pulled a fast one on you," said the fisherman, "the dog can't even swim."

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What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.

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When the cat's away...? The house smells better!

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Why are dogs such poor dancers? They have two left feet.

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What dogs are best for sending telegrams? Wire haired terriers!!

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What dog rides a horse named Macaroni? Yankee poodle!

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What dog do other dogs go to when they are sick? A docs-hund!

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What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers? A bud hound!

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Why isn't there gambling in Africa? Too many cheetahs.

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How is a cat laying down like a coin? Because he has his head on one side and his tail on the other!

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What has 2,000 eyes and 4,000 feet? A thousand dogs.

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A hungry dog went walking into a grocery store.The grocer tossed a frankfurter to Fido on the floor. He said, "Now doggie, eat it." Said Fido, "I decline, in that sausage is an old sweetheart of mine"

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New Yorker Cameron was visiting friends in Georgia. One day while out walking he came upon an old cracker dog, sitting in front of a cabin howling his head off. Cameron asked the animal's owner why he was howling. "He's lazy," said the native. "But," said Cameron, "is laziness painful?" "Nope," said the Southerner. "Then why does the dog howl?" "Wal," said the Georgian, "that blame fool dawg is settin' on a sandburr, an' he's too tarnation lazy to git off. So he jes' sets there an' howls 'cause it hurts."

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What do you call a sheepdog's tail that can tell tall stories? A shaggy dogs tale !

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An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home." "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!" Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" "He said the reflector is broken." "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" "I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake."

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Policeman: "One of your elephants has been seen chasing a man on a bicycle." Zoo Keeper: "Nonsense, none of my elephants knows how to ride a bicycle!"

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What dogs never get lost? Newfound-lands!

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Q: When is a bad time to cross a black cat?A: When you are a mouse!

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Why was the mother flea so unhappy? All her children had gone to the dogs.

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What was the dog doing on the turnpike? About seven miles an hour.

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What time is it when five dogs are chasing a cat down the street? Five after one.

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How can you tell a dog from an elephant? The elephant remembers.

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Yesterday I was driving around in the country, got thirsty and entered a pub. I was there for five minutes, when a big brown horse entered the pub, sits down at a table, crossed its legs and orders a coffee. I was surprised, and asked the pub keeper if this was not a little strange, that a horse orders a coffee. "Yes", the man said, "Very strange, indeed. Normally it drinks a pint of beer."

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What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxi cabs!

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Why are Chihuahuas such good bedtime storytellers? They have short tales!

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What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool? She had mittens!

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The chief constable of a small English town was also an expert veterinary surgeon. One night his telephone rang. "Is Mr. Smythe there?" said an agitated voice. Mrs. Smythe answered "yes" and inquired, "Do you want my husband in his capacity of veterinary surgeon or as chief constable?" "Both, lady," came the reply. "We can't get our new bulldog to open his mouth, and there's a burglar in it."

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Customer: Do you sell cats meat? Butcher: Yes, as long as they are accompanied by a human being

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Mrs. Crandall told the psychiatrist that her husband, George, had a craving for dog food and was raiding their Doberman's supply. She showed him a can of it "This looks harmless," he said, after checking the label. 'Your husband'll get over his love for dog food. Let him eat all he wants." Three weeks later, Mrs. Crandall phoned to say that her spouse was dead. "My God!" exclaimed the psychiatrist. "It wasn't the dog food, was it?" "No, Doctor," she replied sadly. "Poor George was out in the driveway scratching his fleas, and I accidentally backed over him."

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While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind man's legs. A passerby commented to the blind man, "What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?" To which the blind man replied, "Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him."

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What is the difference between fleas and dogs? Dogs can have fleas but fleas can't have dogs!

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How do you know when your cat has been using your computer? When your mouse has teeth marks on it!

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Perkins dropped over to visit Nelson, a new neighbour. They were sitting in the den talking when a dog came in and asked if anyone had seen the Sunday Times. He was handed the newspaper and left. "That's remarkable," exclaimed Perkings. "A dog that reads." "Oh, don't let him fool you," said Nelson. "He just looks at the comics."

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What dog can jump higher than a tree? Any dog can jump higher than a tree. Trees don't jump.

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One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?

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What kind of dog wears a uniform and medals? A guard dog!

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Who is the dogs favourite comedian? Growlcho Marx!

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What is a favorite cat tale? The Tortoiseshell and the Hair!

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How to fleas travel? Itch hiking!

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What is another way to describe a cat? A heat seeking missile!

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What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew.

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Why did the baby cat join the red cross? It wanted to be a first aid Kit.

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Frank and Gene were tossing down a few brews at the neighbourhood pub. "Boy, did I have a close call with Angie last night," said Prank. What happened?" asked Gene. "Well, I got home real late, so I took off my shoes, climbed the stairs, opened the door of the bedroom, tiptoed, and closed the door without makin' any noise. Just as I'm about to get into bed, the wife wakes up and says, 'Is that you, Toto?'" "What'd you do?" "For once in my life I really used my head," said Frank "I licked her hand."

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A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession A funeral coffin was followed by a second one About 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in Single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is It?" The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife." "What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also." A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first One asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Join the queue."

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Doctor, said the patient, "I need help! I can't stop acting like a cat!" "How long have you had this problem?" the doctor asked. "Lest's see," said the patient, "Mom had the litter in '41."

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I went hunting the other day, said Harris, "and the dogs got in the way of a skunk. They finally gave up the chase." "Did they lose the scent?" asked his neighbour. "They gave up the skunk, but I don't think they'll ever lose the scent."

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Why do dogs turn around three times before lying down? One good turn deserves another.

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When does a dog go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!

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Why did the dog jump off the Empire State Building? He wanted to make a hit on Broadway.

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What does a Chihuahua play basketball with? A tennis ball!

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What do you call a black Eskimo dog? A dusky husky!

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Cieslak and Wazlicki were sitting at the corner saloon having a beer. "Hey," said Cieslak, "I bet I got riddle you can't get!" "Okay," said Wazlicki, "go 'head." "What look like dog, and bark like dog?" "A dog." "Oh," said the first Polack. "You heard that one before."

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A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars." The neighbour said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such animal." Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times." "Hey!" said the neighbour. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?" "Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."

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A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other. The rabbit says, "You feel me first." The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit. He says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet..." The rabbit says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!" Then the rabbit feels the snake. He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue..." The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer."

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The bartender looked up in surprise as the big shaggy dog sauntered into the bar. "I'll have a Scotch and water," said the dog. The bartender placed the drink in front of him and the dog downed it in one gulp. "That'll be $10," said the bartender, hoping to take advantage of the creature. The dog paid it and started to leave. "You know," said the bartender, "we don't see many dogs in this bar." "Yeah," scowled the dog, "and at $10 a drink you won't see any more, either."

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How is a puppy like a penny? They both have a head and a tail.

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Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time." I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson. The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

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What is the best award a cat can earn? The Purr-litzer prize.

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One day a poor old lady found a dollar and with that dollar she bought a lottery ticket. She won the lottery! She bought a house and a dog. She said to herself, "What should I name my house?" And she looked around and she saw a guy mooning her so she decided to name her house "Butt". Then she needed a name for her dog. So she looked around and saw a crack house so she named her dog "Crack". One day about a month later she woke up and couldn't find her dog. She looked all over the house and she couldn't find it anywhere! So finally she called the cops and said, "Police please help me I've looked all over my Butt but I can't find my Crack!"

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Barrett, a New Yorker, went to the country for the first time to do some hunting. Ferris, a kennel owner, provided the dogs to accompany Barrett. The hunter left early the next morning but returned in an hour. "Why are you back so soon?" asked Ferris. "I'm after more dogs." "More dogs!" exclaimed the kennel owner. "Those were good dogs I gave you." "I know, but I've shot those dogs already."

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What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You can step in a poodle!

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How do you know if your dog is lost? When it's barking up the wrong tree?

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Why did the dog wear white sneakers? Because his boots were at the menders!

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This big, brawny, dark-skinned Latin guy walks into a bar. On his shoulder is a beautiful blue-and-red parrot. The bartender says, admiringly "That's beautiful; where'd you get it?" and the parrot says "Down in Mexico; there's millions of 'em!"

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Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge? Because it turns "ice" into "mice"!

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Why is a toothless dog like a tree? It has more bark than bite.

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Who rode a dog and was a confederate general during the American Civil War? Robert E Flea!

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What happened to the French poodle's new haircut when it rained? It got wet!

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How did the dog feel when he lost his flashlight? Delighted.

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So Craig bought a Great Dane pup, led it to Central Park, and turned it loose to ramble on the grass. Sure enough, a beautiful girl got up from a bench and made a beeline for him. "Is that your dog?" she asked. "It sure is," smiled Craig. "Then here's a summons for letting him run loose in the park without a leash," said the girl - a lady cop with a heart of stone.

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How is cat food sold? Usually purr can!

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Your dog bit me, said Pearson, "and I'm gonna sue." "Tell you what," said Sommers, "I'll give you $100 to settle out of court." "I'll take it. Say, what are you laughing at?" "That's a counterfeit bill. What are you laughing at?" "I've got a wooden leg."

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