Jokes about Animals
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What do elephants in the zoo get for lunch? Half an hour, just like the rest of the animals.
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A woman telephoned a veterinarian and asked him to come examine her cat. I don't know what's wrong with her," the woman told him. "She looks as if she's going to have kittens, but that's impossible. She's never been out of the house except for when I had her on a leash." The vet examined the cat and said there was no question about her pregnancy. "But she can't be," protested the woman. "It's impossible." At that point a large tom cat emerged from under the sofa. "How about him?" asked the vet. "Don't be silly," answered the woman. "That's her brother."
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Mrs. Johnson phoned the plummer because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large doberman inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!" Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts. As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!" To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"
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Which is the cats' all-time favorite song? "Three Blind Mice."
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It was down South in a dry state. The railroad station was packed with a party on their way to a football game. Over at one side of the waiting room stood Baxter, a quiet little man, fidgeting about and attempting to hide himself from the crowd. A federal agent, assigned to this moonshine-making area, noticed that Baxter had something under his jacket from which drops were falling in slow trickles. The fed, with a gleam in his eye, walked over to him, put a finger out under one of the drops, caught one, and tasted it. "Scotch?" he asked. "Nope," said Baxter. "Airedale pup."
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Selkirk offered to sell a Dalmatian to Maxwell for $10, claiming it was a talking dog. "Please buy me," said the canine. "My owner is mean to me, and he beats me with a whip. And I'm really a good dog. I was in the last war. I won the Distinguished Service Cross and the Purple Heart." "That Dalmation really does talk" gasped Maxwell, "Why do you want to sell him for only $10?" "Because," said the dog's owner, "I can't stand a liar."
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A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, have you got any bread? The bartender replies no, we only sell beer here, so the ducks walks out. He walks in the next day and says to the bartender, have you got any bread? The bartender says, I told you yesterday, we only sell beer, so the ducks walks out. He walks back in the next day and says to the bartender, got any bread? the bartender says, if u come in here tomorrow asking for bread I'll nail your beak to the bar, so the duck walks out. He walks in the next day and says to the bartender, got any nails? No he answers. Got any bread?
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Reid, the television repairman, arrived at the Denker home and found his way was blocked by a snarling, barking dog. "Don't be afraid of him," exclaimed Mrs. Denker. "You know the old proverb 'A barking dog never bites.'" "Yeah," said the repairman. "You know the old proverb. I know the old proverb. But does the dog know the old proverb?"
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What animal runs around happily with 5 legs? A pit bull in a kindergarten
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A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any papers!"
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A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mom, "These sleepovers are killing me!"
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Perkins dropped over to visit Nelson, a new neighbour. They were sitting in the den talking when a dog came in and asked if anyone had seen the Sunday Times. He was handed the newspaper and left. "That's remarkable," exclaimed Perkings. "A dog that reads." "Oh, don't let him fool you," said Nelson. "He just looks at the comics."
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Why did the dog sleep so poorly? By mistake he plugged his electric blanket into the toaster and kept popping out of bed all night!
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Why do dogs run in circles? Because its hard to run in squares!
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Joe: Last night the lion-tamer at the circus was attacked by his lions. Brian: Was he clawed? Joe: I don't know what is name was.
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A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, "What the hell was that all about?"
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A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, ''Hey, we have a drink named after you!'' The grasshopper looks surprised and says, ''You have a drink named Steve?''
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Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant. "I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines." "Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"
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When do Chihuahuas smell? When they don't take a bath!
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What do you call a bunch of killer whales playing musical instruments? An orca-stra.
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If a cat can jump five feet high, then why can't it jump through a three foot window? Because the window is closed.
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Girl: I've lost my dog. Boy: Why don't you put an ad in the paper? Girl: Don't be silly, my dog can't read!
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Bill: "My homework is really difficult tonight, I've to write an essay on an elephant."? Bert: "Well, for a start your going to need a big ladder.."
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What dog takes the money and runs fast! A payhound!
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How did the Chihuahua disappear on the road? It was using a hide-'n-go-seekle!
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How did the dog's owner know his pet was angry about having soap flakes for breakfast? He foamed at the mouth.
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What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal? That hit the spots!
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Two dogs were walking along the road. One dog stopped and said: "My name is Fido. What's yours? The other dog thought for a minute, and then replied: "I think it's Down Boy."
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What do cats like best on a hot day? Mice cream!
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What cat purrs more than any other? Purrsians!
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Alsation: What did you do in art class today? Chihuahua: Panting on paper!
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If you take your dog downtown, where should you leave him? In a barking lot.
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Why did the cat join the Red Cross? Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit!
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What did the dog say when he chased his tail? This is the end.
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In which month do cats meow the least? February - it's the shortest month.
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What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
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What did the dog do with the history professor? They got together and talked over old times.
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What place of business'>business helps dogs who have lost their tails? A retail store.
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Benson had been bitten by a dog, and the wound was taking a long time to heal. Finally he consulted a doctor, who took one look and ordered the dog brought in. The M.D. knew the dog had rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient a serum, the medico felt he had to prepare him for the worst. At that moment, Benson sat down at the doctor's desk and began to write. "Perhaps it won't be so bad," said the physician. "You needn't make out your will right now." "I'm not making out any will," said the man. "I'm just writing out a list of people I'm going to bite."
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A friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her $50, she was outraged. "I only pay 30 bucks for my own haircut!" The groomer replied, "That may be true. But then you don't bite. do you?!"
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Why is a dog like a baseball player? He runs for home when he sees the catcher coming.
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Wojawicz walked into the department store with his mangy mutt. A floorwalker rushed over, pointed to the sign that read: 'No Dogs Allowed.' "Hey, Mister," he demanded of Wojawicz, "can't you read?" "So," said the Polack, "who's smoking?"
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Why isn't there gambling in Africa? Too many cheetahs.
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An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home." "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!" Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" "He said the reflector is broken." "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" "I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake."
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What is a cat's way of keeping law & order? Claw Enforcement.
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What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? He stole the show!
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Hotchkis wanted to sell his Doberman, so he asked the local pet shop owner to look at the animal. "This is a good dog," said Hotchkis. "It cost me $1,000, but I'll let you have it for only $50." "That's a rather big reduction," said the pet shop owner. "Is there something wrong with it?" "No," said the man. "The fact is it turned on my wife one day and killed her, and now I've got no further use for it"
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What kind of dog does a vampire prefer? Any kind of bloodhound!
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Who gave the dog a black eye? Nobody gave it to him. He had to fight for it.
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How long are a puppy's legs? Long enough to reach the ground.
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What dog always gets on everyone's nerves? A great pane!
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Benson and his dog were sitting at a bar. He ordered two martinis. Benson handed one to the dog, who promptly drank it, then ate the glass until only the base and stem remained. Then he left. "That's the craziest thing I've ever seen," said the bartender. "Yeah, he's a dumb dog," said Benson. "The stem is the best part."
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1st Woman: My cat thinks it's a chicken. 2nd Woman: Why don't you take it to the vet? 1st Woman: We need the eggs.
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When George Washington was a general, why did he like to have dogs around? They were very helpful during the "Roverlutionary War!"
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Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury made up of cats? Because each of them was guilty of purrjury.
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What kind of modeling clay does a dog use? Fi-Do!
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What kind of dog chases anything red? A bull dog!
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A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry hou
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When does a dog go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
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One August morning, farmer Hoskins started to town with horse and wagon. Half-way in, the horse stopped, turned his head, and said, "Sakes alive, but it's hot." The amazed farmer turned to his dog riding beside him and asked, "Did you hear what I heard?" "Yeah," said the dog, "but he's like every one else; always talking about the weather and never doing anything about it."
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What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog wearing your favourite tie? Go see a doctor. You have been seeing too many 500-pound dogs lately.
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What did the dog take when he was run down? The license number of the car that hit him.
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Denis, a Psychiatrist, to his patient Menace: What's your problem? Menace: I think I'm a chicken. Denis the Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on? Menace: Since I was an egg!
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Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter. First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me. Second woman: I know. First one: How? Second one: My dog told me.
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Do Chihuahuas have horns? Many have violins but very few have horns!
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How can if you have a stupid dog? It chases parked cars!
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What happened when the dog swallowed a teaspoon? He wasn't able to stir.
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What is the difference between a flea bitten dog and a bored visitor? Ones going to itch and the other is itching to go!
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How does the cat get its own way? With friendly purrsuasion.
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Why do dogs lie down? They can't lie up!
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Alsation: I'll see you shortly. Chihuahua: Okay, but don't call me "Shortly!"
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What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool? She had mittens!
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What did the tangerine say when it saw the Chihuahua? Nothing. Tangerines can't talk!
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A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?" "Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."
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In what kind of weather is a vet the busiest? When it's raining cats and dogs!
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Why did the cat frown when she passed the hen house? Because she heard fowl language!
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Where is one place that your cat can sit, but you can't? Your lap.
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What should you do with a blue dog? Cheer him up.
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Why wasn't the dog hurt when he fell off a 100-foot ladder? He fell from the bottom rung.
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If a cat is a flabby tabby, then what is a very small cat? An itty bitty kitty.
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What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him, he still won't come!
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What does a sour puss eat? Crab meat!
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A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. ''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.'' ''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''
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What are you drawing? "I just drew a picture of a dog eating bones." "That's interesting, but where are the bones?" "Oh, well, the dog ate all the bones." "And where's the dog?" "You don't expect the dog to stay there after he'd eaten all the bones!"
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I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
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Who helped Cinderella's cat go to the ball? Her furry godmother!
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Camper: "Look at that bunch of cows." Farmer: "Not bunch, herd." Camper: "Heard what?" Farmer: "Of cows." Camper: "Sure I've heard of cows." Farmer: "No, I mean a cowherd." Camper: "So what? I have no secrets from cows!"
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Alsation: What is your favorite holiday? Chihuahua: Howloween!
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What is a cat's favorite song? Three Blind Mice
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Rick's mother couldn't bring herself to tell the little boy that his dog, Paddy, had been run over. When Rick came home from school, she talked of other things for a few minutes, but inevitably was asked: "Where's Paddy?" "Paddy has been killed by an automobile," she told him. "Oh," said the boy, and went whistling out to play. At dinnertime Rick said, "Hey, Mom, Where's Paddy?" "Darling," his mother said; "I told you this afternoon that Paddy had been killed by an automobile." The little boy burst into tears. "When I told you this afternoon," she said, "it didn't seem to bother you." "No," sniffed the boy, "I thought you said Daddy."
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A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes." He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses." The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".
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How did cows feel when the branding iron was invented? They were very impressed!
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What did the clean dog say to the insect? Long time no flea!
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What do cat actors say on stage? Tabby or not tabby!
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What do you call a happy Lassie? A jolly collie!
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Levy was taking an adorable Pomeranian for its morning walk when he met his old friend Reznick. "Oh, what a cute little puppy dog," said Reznick. "I got it for my wife," said Levy. "Gee, I wish I could make a trade like that!"
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A man goes into a cinema with his dog to watch a film. It's a romantic comedy and when there's a funny seen the dog starts laughing. A little later on there's a sad part and suddenly the dog starts crying. This goes on throughout the entire film, laughing and crying at all the right places. A man sitting a few rows back has witnessed the entire thing and decides to follow the man out. In the foyer, he approaches the dog owner and says, "That's truly amazing!" "It certainly is" The dog owner replied, "He hated the book!"
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Which dog can tell time? A watchdog.
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What is a collie puppy's favorite toy? A chew-chew train!
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Why do tomcats fight? Because they like raising a stink!
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How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures? They never cry over spilt milk!
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Q: Why did the lazy person buy a tall dog? A: So that they didn't have to bend down to pet it.
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A Hollywood theatrical agent tells about the blonde who took her dog to the vet. He advised her to buy some Nair and remove the excess hair around the Schnauzer's eyes and ears. The blonde entered a pharmacy and asked for the hair remover. "Use it full strength for leg hair," said the druggist, "but dilute it one half for underarms." "Oh," said the girl, "but I want to use it on my Schnauzer." "In that case," said the pharmacist, "you'd better use one quarter strength and I wouldn't ride a Honda for a couple of weeks."
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What did one cat say to another? Have you heard the mews today!
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Miss Stepinski and her friend, Gladys, two Seventh Avenue garment cutters, met at lunch. "I entered my dog in a contest," said Miss Stepinski, "and I won first prize." "That's nice," said Gladys. "Yeah," said the Polish girl, "I was very proud but I wanted my dog to win."
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How do you spell "Chihuahua?" "C-h-i-w-o-w-a." That's not even close! But you asked me how I spelled it!
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What does a dog become after it is six years old? Seven years old.
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Why do dogs turn around three times before lying down? One good turn deserves another.
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I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
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What do you call a bug that bothers dogs on Halloween? A trick-or-fleat!
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What is a baseball dog? One that chases fowls.
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What's the best way to measure a Chihuahua? With a ruler!
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How many seasons are there in a dogs life? Just one, the moulting season!
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How does a Chihuahua hide in the desert? It uses camel-flage!
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Why did the cat cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
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The farmer's collie had just died. He was bemoaning his loss when a little cocker spaniel walked up to him and said, "I heard your collie is dead. How about giving me a job?" "You!" gasped the farmer. "How could a little fellow like you take the place of my big dog?" "I'll show you." He leaped into the driver's seat of the tractor, operated the machine perfectly, turned off the ignition, trotted over to the stable, and milked three cows. "How's that?" he asked the farmer. "Very good," the farmer said, "but let me see how you shuck corn." "Hold it!" exclaimed the cocker spaniel. "Who ever heard of a dog that could shuck corn"
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Why did the litter of communist kittens become capitalists? Because they finally opened their eyes.
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What wears a black, white, and tan coat but has no hair? A bald beagle!
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What grade did the cat get on his test? He got a Purrrr-fect score!
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What dog can jump higher than a tree? Any dog can jump higher than a tree. Trees don't jump.
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What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers? A bud hound!
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Why are cats longer in the evening than they are in the morning? Because they're let out in the evening and taken in in the morning!
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What time is it when 12 cats chase a mouse? 12 after 1!
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Alsation: I was thinking of inviting my friend, the beagle, over for breakfast. What do you think I should serve? Chihuahua: That's easy! Beagles and cream cheese go great together!
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How come anteaters never get sick? Because they're full of antibodies!
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Teacher: Name four members of the cat family. Alex: Daddy cat, mummy cat and two kittens!
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This guy was so lonely that he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede (100-leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So, he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?" A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"
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What kind of dog is a person's best friend? A palmatian!
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This big, brawny, dark-skinned Latin guy walks into a bar. On his shoulder is a beautiful blue-and-red parrot. The bartender says, admiringly "That's beautiful; where'd you get it?" and the parrot says "Down in Mexico; there's millions of 'em!"
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What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear? A petticoat!
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Why did the Chihuahua take the bus to the TV studio to make a commercial? It was too far to walk!
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Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness. The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!" The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!" Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."
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What is brown and gray, has eight legs, and is carrying a large trunk and a small trunk? A Chihuahua on cation'>vacation with an elephant.
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Where did the dog breeder keep his savings ? In bark-lays bank !
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How can you tell a dog from a jar of peanut butter? The dog doesn't stick to the roof of your mouth.
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What kind of dog can you best see in the dark? A glowberman pinscher!
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What artistic dog chews a lot and follows the rules of the farm where it lives? A Chihuahua that can draw and gnaw while obeying the law and lying on straw!
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What happens when two cats want the same dish of food? They get into a phsssssst fight!
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Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies." A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night. The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the shit out of college students!"
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Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.
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What did the dog get when he multiplied 497 by 684? The wrong answer.
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Reverend Johnson, an old black preacher, was warning his parishioners about sin. "Sin," he said, "is like a big dog. There's the big dog of pride, and the big dog of envy, and the big dog of gluttony and finally, brothers, there's the big dog of sex. Now, folks, you gotta kill those big dogs before you're ever gonna get to heaven. It can be done, I know, cause I've done it. I killed the big dog of envy, and the big dog of pride, and the big dog of gluttony and yes, brethren, I killed the big dog of sex!" "Brother!" came a voice from the back of the church, "are you sure that last dog didn't die a nat'chel death?"
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What is a cat's favorite car? The Catillac.
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What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
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What did the freshman computer science major say when he was told that the work stations had mice? Don't you have a cat?
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What dog wears a white coat and does science experiments? Labs!
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Why did the cat sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
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What word did the dog always pronounce incorrectly? Incorrectly.
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What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog asleep on your bed? Sleep on the sofa.
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Detective: I am on the trail of a cat burglar Sergeant: How do you know it's a cat burglar? Detective: All it stole was a saucer and a pint of milk
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What is black and white and red all over? A Dalmatian with a bad sunburn.
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Why did the dog say he was an actor? His leg was in a cast.
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What dog is always tired in London? An English sleep dog.
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When the cat's away...? The house smells better!
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Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.
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Why is a toothless dog like a tree? It has more bark than bite.
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A beagle was complaining to a basset that he felt poorly. "Nothing physical," he said. "Just bored, always tired, never really in top form." "Well," said the basset, "why don't you see a psychiatrist?" "How can I see a psychiatrist?" said the beagle. "You know I'm not allowed on couches."
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Falker's short, unhappy life ended at forty-seven. His widow bought a dog to ease her loneliness. The sorrow mellowed as she became more attached to the dog. "She's happy because she's gotten back into her old pattern of living," reported a neighbour. "That dog is a perfect substitute for her husband. He's out all day, sleeps all evening, and she feeds him out of cans."
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How do you know carrots improve your vision? Cause you've never seen any bunnies with glasses
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You see all of those dogs standing in line for the concert? Yup! Well, why are they all scratching so much? Oh, that's the line for all of the dogs who have tickets!
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Why did the snowman call his dog Frost? Because frost bites!
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Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing?" He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear." The first guy says, "I don"'t have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."
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How did the dog get into the locked cemetery at night? He used a skeleton key.
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What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.
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A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take. He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
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What is the only breed of dog a boxer is afraid of? A Doberman puncher!
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How does a poodle say hello in France? Bone-jour!
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Alsation: Where do you go to practice your singing? Chihuahua: The barking lot!
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What do you call kittens who keep getting passed from owner to owner? Chain litter.
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Why did the cat put oil on the mouse? Because it squeaked.
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A man in a bar with his Labrador at his feet was intrigued to see another dog owner enter the bar. "That's a strange looking dog you have there," he said. "Yes, he is rather," said the newcomer, "but he's a great fighter." "Is he now? I bet he isn't as good a fighter as my Fang here." "All right - how much do you wanna bet?" "Ten dollars." "You're on." So the two men let their dogs fight. Eventually the Labrador crawled, battered and bloody, to his master's side. "I'd never thought I'd see Fang get defeated," said the loser's master, handing over the ten dollars, "especially by such an odd-looking one like yours." "Yes, he does look a little peculiar," agreed the winner's master, "but he looked even odder before I shaved his mane off."
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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep. However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy. "Good," shouted the blood soaked bat, "because I didn't!"
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What dogs are best for sending telegrams? Wire haired terriers!!
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Why did the dog sleep on the chandelier? He was a light sleeper.
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Morton walked into a department store and asked the floor walker to hold his dog for a minute. When he returned the floor walker was kicking the poor little pup. "Why are you kicking that defenseless dog?" Morton asked. "Why shouldn't I?" said the floor walker. "He lifted up his leg like he was going to kick me!"
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How does a cat sing scales? Do-ri-me-ow!
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Why did the dog's owner think his dog was a great mathematician? When he asked the dog what six minus six was, the dog said nothing.
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Jerry and Sam were walking home from the bar one evening. Jerry points across the street and says "Look at that dog over there, licking his balls" Sam says "Yeah, I see it" Jerry tells him "I wish I could do that" Sam tells him "Well, give him a bone, and make a fuss of him, and he might let you."
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What is a Chihuahua's favorite sport? Miniature golf!
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Middle-aged Begley was bicycling through the park one day when he decided to stop for a few minutes' rest. There were several small boys playing with a puppy nearby. Feeling friendly, Begley walked over to where the boys sat. "Hi, gang! What're you doing to the dog?" he asked. "Whoever tells the biggest lie wins the pup," answered Wally, the ringleader. "I'm surprised at you boys," he said. "When I was young like you, I never told a lie." "Give this guy the dog!" exclaimed Wally.
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Why do elephants have big flat feet? A: To stomp out burning ducks.
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A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child concluded. "No silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant!"
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Why did the dog jump off the Empire State Building? He wanted to make a hit on Broadway.
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What is the best kind of dog to direct traffic at a busy intersection? A pointer!
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What kind of dog doesn't do well in hot weather? A faint Bernard!
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What do you call a boring dog? A dull-mation!
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Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes: "Why?"
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What did the dog do when he broke his toe? He called a tow truck.
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What kind of pants do you buy for your pet Chihuahua? Shorts!
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Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge? Because it turns "ice" into "mice"!
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How can you tell a dog from an elephant? The elephant remembers.
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Santa Claus brings poor Rudolph to the vet. He says to the vet, "Doctor, please do something for my Rudolph. His nose won't light up." The vet walks out of the room and returns with a pet carrier. He places the pet carrier next to the reindeer, opens it and out steps a cat. The cat walks around the reindeer and sniffs it. The cat then walks back into the carrier. The animal doctor takes it out of the room and returns. He hands Santa Claus the bill. Santa gasps, "$350 dollars! You didn't do anything for my Rudolph and you're charging me $350 dollars?" The vet shrugged and replied, "That's the usual charge. $50 dollars for the office visit and $300 dollars for the CAT SCAN."
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What was the most vicious and meanest dinosaur of them all? The Chihuahuasaurus Rex!
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What did the elephant say when it saw the Chihuahuas coming down the road? Look out for the mice!
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A boy with an elephant on his head went to see a doctor. The doctor said, "You know you really need help""Yes I do", said the elephant, "get this kid off my foot !"
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What kind of dog only comes out at night? A dusky husky!
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