Jokes about Celebrities

Stop putting famous names at the end of random quotes. Bob Marley

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What's the difference between Rihanna and Britney Spears? Britney asked to be hit one more time..

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Why did the cat sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!

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Perkins dropped over to visit Nelson, a new neighbour. They were sitting in the den talking when a dog came in and asked if anyone had seen the Sunday Times. He was handed the newspaper and left. "That's remarkable," exclaimed Perkings. "A dog that reads." "Oh, don't let him fool you," said Nelson. "He just looks at the comics."

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It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.

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I've got some good news and some bad news the doctor says. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. "The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live". The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then Doctor?". The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?", the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, "I'm f**king her."

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Hobson had been seeing a headshrinker for some months because he thought he was a poodle. One day a friend stopped him and asked, "How's the treatment going?" "Well," said Hobson, "I can't say I'm cured yet, but I've made some progress. My psychiatrist has stopped me from chasing cars."

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A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark. A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well. Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

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What is the best time to take a Rottweiler for a walk? Any times he wants to!

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Why don't they have a concert on the moon? No atmosphere

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Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

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What has four wheels and flies? A rubbish bin!

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Walking past the Royal Courts of Justice one day, a man spotted a friend of his sitting on the steps outside, sobbing loudly with his head buried in his hands. "What's the matter?" he asked of his friend, "Did your lawyer give you bad advice ..?" "No - it's worse than that," replied the friend between sobs, " he sold it to me..."

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Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge? Because it turns "ice" into "mice"!

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Q: What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A: A power failure.

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What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his butt!

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A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight." He says, "Why's that?" She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes."

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Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you? That depends on whether you're a man or a mouse.

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Q: Why do the commodes in Marine barracks have the cut-out type seats? A: So that if the seat falls while they're drinking, it won't smack them in the back of the head.

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Why are spiders good swimmers? They have webbed feet!

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Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus? A: The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

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A man climbed over a fence into a field to pick some flowers. He noticed a bull nearby. Say, farmer. Is that bull safe? Well, he's a lot safer than you are right now!

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What is taller when it sits down than when it stands up? A dog.

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How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted!

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Q: What did the dog say when he sat on sand paper? A: "Rough rough".

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Did you hear about the idiot who planted Cheerios'>Cheerios in his backyard? He thought they were donut seeds.

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Who is king of all the mice? Mouse Tse Tung!

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Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas? A: Highway 55.

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Q: How can you identify an Irish pirate? A: He's the one with patches over both eyes.

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When a small Montana village decided to buy a new fire truck, the town council met to decide what to do with the old one. Randall, an old rancher, stood up. "Ah think we should keep the old truck," he said."We can use it for all the false alarms!"

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The July temperature in Joplin climbed over the one hundred mark. Despite the scorching heat, Bozell was outside painting his house. A passerby stopped for a moment to watch him and then asked, "How cum yer wearin' two jackets?" " 'Cause," said the redneck, "the directions on the can say ta put on two coats!"

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A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat. "Are you crazy" yelled the customer, "sticking your thumb in my steak?!" "What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

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