Jokes about Computer

RIP hacker who was spying on me through my Laptop's camera. Died of boredom.

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Why did the programmer get a job at the photographers? They needed a developer.

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Just recently sold all my dead batteries free of charge

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What has everyone been doing at Apple since the problems with the latest iPhone started? Looking for Jobs.

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Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you... You have my word

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What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger? A big mac.

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Waitress: "Do u have any questions about the menu?" Me: "What kind of font is this?"

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I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it!

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Q: What did one flea say to the other flea when they came out of the movies? A: Should we walk home or take a dog?

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What does a cat like to eat on a hot day? A mice cream cone.

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Q: How do you sink a polish battleship? A: Put it in water!

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What's a frogs favourite flower? A croakus!

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Mrs. Quinlan and her neighbour Mrs. Groat were chatting about their teenagers. "Is your son hard to get out of bed in the morning?" asked Mrs. Quinlan. "No," replied Mrs. Groat. "I just open the door and throw the cat on his bed." "How does that wake him?" "He sleeps with the dog."

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What is the difference between Father Christmas and a warm dog? Father Christmas wears a whole suit, a dog just pants!

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What sound does a bouncing plane make? Boeing boeing boeing

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"How did you get into counterfeiting?" Criminal: I answered an ad that said "Make money at home."

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Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury made up of cats? Because each of them was guilty of purrjury.

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It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?," asks the Post Office worker. "33," says the man. "Well, have a good day," says the worker. "Thank you," replied the man. To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady. "I'm..." "No don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is." "Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are," says the old lady. "I don't believe it." "Well let me prove it!" "I'm not going to let you feel my balls!," says the man. "Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady. After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it." After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims! "How the f**k did you know that?!," exclaims the man, impressed. "I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady.

A very tough question to answer If con is the opposite of pro, then isn't Congress the opposite of progress?

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What do dogs have that no other animal has? Puppy dogs!

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If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.

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Reverend Johnson, an old black preacher, was warning his parishioners about sin. "Sin," he said, "is like a big dog. There's the big dog of pride, and the big dog of envy, and the big dog of gluttony and finally, brothers, there's the big dog of sex. Now, folks, you gotta kill those big dogs before you're ever gonna get to heaven. It can be done, I know, cause I've done it. I killed the big dog of envy, and the big dog of pride, and the big dog of gluttony and yes, brethren, I killed the big dog of sex!" "Brother!" came a voice from the back of the church, "are you sure that last dog didn't die a nat'chel death?"

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Why did the cat cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!

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Why do cow wear bells? Because their horns don't work.

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How does a poodle say hello in France? Bone-jour!

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One day at the zoo two snake's met and one asked the other: "Are we poisonous?" "Why do you ask?" "I bit my lip!"

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What is love? The energy of life. What is marriage? The energy bill ...

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Thank you for calling 444-4444. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

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A blonde was filling out a job application form. She quickly filled out the columns entitled: Name, Age, Address, etc. Finally, she came to the column: Salary Expected. She wrote, "YES."

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What did the dog say when he chased his tail? This is the end.

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Q: What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats? A: Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

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Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is around? Because time will tell.

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Q: Why did the jellybean go to school? A: Because he wanted to be a smarty

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What place of business'>business helps dogs who have lost their tails? A retail store.

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A woman had her dog neutered because she was told it would curb the animal's aggression. But the next day it savaged the postman. "I'm so sorry," she said, rushing to the man's aid. "I was told he'd stop attacking people if I had him neutered." "Lady," said the postman, picking himself off the ground, "you should have had his teeth pulled. I knew when he came out the door he wasn't going to make love to me."

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Treadwell walked into a Biloxi stationery store and asked, "Have you got any invisible ink?" "Certainly sir," said the owner. "What color?"

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Q: How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex? A: Call her and tell her.

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