Jokes about Dating

I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.

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A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other. "Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever yo do to that poor, defenceless creature i shall personally do to you" "In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss it's butt and let it go".

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What do you call a bus full of lawyers driving of a cliff? A shame. What do you call an empty seat? A damn shame.

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Q: What do elephants use for tampoons ? A: Sheep.

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Why is divorce so expensive? Because it is worth it..

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What place of business'>business helps dogs who have lost their tails? A retail store.

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Why did the tadpole feel lonely? Because he was newt to the area!

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I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.

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Why did the poor dog chase his own tail? He was trying to make both ends meet!

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Alsation: Was your master playing catch with you? Chihuahua: No, I was playing throw with her!

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Why wasn't the dog hurt when he fell off a 100-foot ladder? He fell from the bottom rung.

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Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully, the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

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A stupid glazier was examining a broken window. He looked at it for a while and then said, "It's worse than I thought. It's broken on both sides."

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Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her name tag)? A: "'Debbie'. . . that's cute. What did you name the other one?"

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Walking down the street, a man passes a house and notices a little boy trying to reach the doorbell. No matter how much the little guy stretches, he can't make it. The man calls out, "Let me get that for you," and he bounds onto the porch to ring the bell." Thanks, mister," says the kid. "Now let's run!"

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Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

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What is taller when it sits down than when it stands up? A dog.

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Q: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? A: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

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You see all of those dogs standing in line for the concert? Yup! Well, why are they all scratching so much? Oh, that's the line for all of the dogs who have tickets!

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What kind of dog always needs a shave? A bearded collie!

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Q: What did dela wear?(Delaware) A: Her New Jersey

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Q: How do you sink an Irish submarine? A: Knock on the hatch.

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A tramp was scrounging for food near a farm when a watchful bulldog clamped his jaws on the bum's buns. He screamed and yelled and soon the farmer arrived. "Call off your dog," pleaded the tramp. "I can't," answered the farmer. "His name is Sick'm."

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A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars." The neighbour said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such animal." Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times." "Hey!" said the neighbour. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?" "Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."

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Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A: To get away from the noise.

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What is not a truck crashing into people? Nice.

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She's so stupid she thinks a shoplifter is a very strong person who goes round picking up shops.

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When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. "Nothing special," he explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."

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A giant panda went into a cafe and ordered a cheeseburger. It sat there quietly eating the cheeseburger, then it got up, took out a gun, shot the waiter, and walked outside. "Did you see that?" exclaimed a customer. "Why did he do that?" he asked the manager. The manager looked up from the book he was leafing through. "I'm looking it up in the dictionary," he replied. "It says here: "Panda, eats shoots and leaves."

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Dad, Mum is fighting with an enormous elephant in the garden! "Don't worry dear, I'm sure the elephant can look after itself!"

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What has 8 legs and likes living in trees? Four anti road protesters!

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