Jokes about Dating

I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.

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What kind of doctors are like spiders? Spin doctors!

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Q: What does a female snail say during crude sex? A: Faster, faster, faster!

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What dog is always tired in London? An English sleep dog.

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How do you spell "Chihuahua?" "C-h-i-w-o-w-a." That's not even close! But you asked me how I spelled it!

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What is the difference between school dinners and a pile of slugs? School dinners come on a plate!

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What did JFK say after banging Marilyn Monroe? Some men have greatness thrust upon them, some men thrust upon greatness."

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My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

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Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher!

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You see all of those dogs standing in line for the concert? Yup! Well, why are they all scratching so much? Oh, that's the line for all of the dogs who have tickets!

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Q: What's the difference between a road-killed deer and a road-killed lawyer? A: There's skid marks in front of the deer!

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The Albanian planted lightbulbs in his garden. He heard that tulips grew from bulbs.

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What do you get when you cross an elephant with a cat? A big furry creature that purrs while it sits on your lap and squashes you.

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A woman walks into the store and purchases the following: 1 small box of detergent 1 bar of soap 3, individual servings of yogurt, 2 oranges, 1 stick of women's deodorant. She then goes to the check out line. Cashier: Oh, you must be single. Woman: You can tell that by what I bought? Cashier: No, you're f**king ugly!

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What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache!

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What is a Rastafarian's favorite country? Yemen

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Q: How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? A: Tea Rex?

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Three kids are in an agruement about who's dad is better. "My dad's a fireman" said Billy. "My dad's a marine!" said Johnny. "My dad's invisible." said Brian.

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What is the cat's favorite TV show? The evening mews!

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Excuse me, I'd like to have kids someday, and I wanted to know how your parents created such a beautiful creature.

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What is another way to describe a cat? A heat seeking missile!

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A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed". She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked,...... "Wow that is really sad, how many is a Brazilian?"

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As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention. The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"

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I am not home to talk to you, but please don’t be a creep. Just leave your name and number, at the sound of the…

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Why was the Berlin Wall torn down? It didn't match with the Iron Curtains.

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Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? A: To win the no-bell prize.

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Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was some money in the kitty!

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Little farmboy comes in late for school. Teacher asks why he's late. Farmboy replies that he had to take the family cow over to the neighbour's to get her bred by a bull. Annoyed, teacher demands, "Can't your father do that?" Little farm boy thinks for a moment: replies, "Well, sure... but the bull can do it better."

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Excuse me, does this tequila taste funny? (Hand them an untouched shot)

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People tell me sharing is caring. Good thing I don't care.

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Bridge, Kirk here.

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