Jokes about Diet

Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?

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Try it out: Talking Cat Leo

How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?

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I was on diet for a month and all I lost was 30 days...

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What happened to your three week diet? I finished it in three days!

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My diet plan consists of getting a full body tattoo of some skinny dude.

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I've found the perfect weight-loss system for Americans. Convert to the metric system and lose half your weight in just seconds.

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What do you take before every meal? A seat.

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Try it out: Toilet Cat Paper Run

I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I'm confused about how many at night?

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Try it out: Car Race Extreme

Wanna see an ass-trick? Here --> *

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Morton walked into a department store and asked the floor walker to hold his dog for a minute. When he returned the floor walker was kicking the poor little pup. "Why are you kicking that defenseless dog?" Morton asked. "Why shouldn't I?" said the floor walker. "He lifted up his leg like he was going to kick me!"

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Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

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There was a dumb blonde out on a rowboat one day in the middle of a wheat field. Then another dumb blonde drives by and yells to the one in a rowboat, "It's people like you that give us a bad name!! And if I could swim I would go out there to kick your butt!!!

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Q: What happens when a Blonde eats a mosquito? A: She has more rain'>brain cells in her stomach than her head.

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Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: It doesn't matter, he won't come!

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A woman strode angrily into the large drug-store-cum-general-store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?" The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for 'cats'?"

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This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said.... FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

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Why wasn't the vampire working? He was on his coffin break.

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Didn't I see you on the cover of Vogue?

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Why are old balloons cheaper than new balloons? Because of inflation

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Q: What sexual position do you use to make an ugly baby? A: Ask your parents.

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Q: How do you spot a happy motorcyclist in fair weather? A: He's got bugs on his teeth.

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What does a cat do when it gets mad? It has a hissy fit.

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What should you do with a blue dog? Cheer him up.

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An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy. The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

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A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, "Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!" She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I'm sorry, I think he's too far in."

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Q: What do you catch when you go ice fishing? A: A cold

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Q: What did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall? A: Damn

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How do you confuse a blonde? You don't. They're born that way.

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How do you spell mousetrap in just three letters? C-A-T!

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What's the definition of a narrow squeak? A thin mouse!

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What kind of tiles can't you stick on walls? Reptiles!

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How did the Chihuahua disappear on the road? It was using a hide-'n-go-seekle!

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Q: What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common? A: They both like a tight seal.

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What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar? A sourpuss!

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A man climbed over a fence into a field to pick some flowers. He noticed a bull nearby. Say, farmer. Is that bull safe? Well, he's a lot safer than you are right now!

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What do you call a boring dog? A dull-mation!

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Do you like this dog over here? No, I like the otter hound!

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A blonde walks into a electronic store and asks the manager, "Can I buy that TV" "No" "Why not?" "Because your a blonde." So the blonde goes out and dyes her hair red. She returned to the electronic store and said, "Can I buy that TV?" "No" "Why not?" "Your a blonde." So the blonde goes and shaves her hair off and returns to the electronic store and says, "Can I buy that TV?" "No" "Why not?" "You're a blonde" "How can you tell I'm a blonde, I dyed my hair red, then shaved it off!" "Because that's not a TV, that's a microwave!"

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