Jokes about Good Advise

I'm not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don't give them lunch or breakfast.

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Q: Which is easier for a man to leave: the women or the Wine? A: It depends on the age.

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Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What'cha doing, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your dumb cat."

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Middle-aged Begley was bicycling through the park one day when he decided to stop for a few minutes' rest. There were several small boys playing with a puppy nearby. Feeling friendly, Begley walked over to where the boys sat. "Hi, gang! What're you doing to the dog?" he asked. "Whoever tells the biggest lie wins the pup," answered Wally, the ringleader. "I'm surprised at you boys," he said. "When I was young like you, I never told a lie." "Give this guy the dog!" exclaimed Wally.

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What do you call a black Eskimo dog? A dusky husky!

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Sister: Why are you putting the saddle on backward ? Brother: How do you know which way I'm going ?

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Q: What do you call a smart blond? A: A golden retriever!

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Q: Why does a dog wag it's tail? A: No one else will do it for them

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Why did the poor dog chase his own tail? He was trying to make both ends meet!

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How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!

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What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!

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What’s green and can jump a mile a minute? A frog with hiccups!

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Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia. Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him. The startled front tiger turned and said, "Cut it out." The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward. About five minutes later, it happened again. The front tiger turned, growling, "I said stop it." The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued. Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue. The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, "What is it with you?" The rear tiger replied, "I'm sorry -- I really didn't mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

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Q: When is a strange dog most likely to go into your house? A: When the door is open.

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A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, ''Hey, we have a drink named after you!'' The grasshopper looks surprised and says, ''You have a drink named Steve?''

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My diet plan consists of getting a full body tattoo of some skinny dude.

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What's a dog favourite hobby? Collecting fleas!

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On a famous TV game show A BLONDE contestant needed only to answer one more question. One simple question stood between her and ONE MILLION DOLLARS! "To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer." The contestant, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that she had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!" she said confidently, "and, ...Olive!" The studio audience started to applaud (as the little sign above their heads said to do) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'". "You know," the woman circled her hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."

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Did you hear about the idiot who made his chickens drink boiling water? He thought they would lay hard boiled eggs.

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Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years" Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button. When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C". Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125. After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

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So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I’ll get back to thee.

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Hatton: I ain't as dumb as I look! Folsom: You couldn't be!

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The State Department of Fish and Wildlife for Louisiana is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as "little bells" on their clothing to alert, but not startle the alligators, unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of "pepper spray" in case of an encounter with an alligator. It's also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity and be able to recognize the difference between young alligator and adult alligator droppings. Young'>Young alligator droppings are small, contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.

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What is green, sooty and whistles when it rubs its back legs together? Chimney Cricket!

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How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek'>Seek? One.

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I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.

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The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?!" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast!"

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A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

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Q: What kind of dog does a dracula like? A: A Bloodhound.

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What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog asleep on your bed? Sleep on the sofa.

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What do clouds wear under their clothes? Thunderware.

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