Jokes about Good Advise

I'm not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don't give them lunch or breakfast.

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How are women and tornadoes alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

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What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxi cabs!

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Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom? A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.

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Why did the dog's owner think his dog was a great mathematician? When he asked the dog what six minus six was, the dog said nothing.

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What is green, sooty and whistles when it rubs its back legs together? Chimney Cricket!

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Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do: take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you're gonna die."

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What does a Chihuahua call its mom and dad? Chimama and Chipapa!

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What is the value of Pi? Student: Depending on what pie. Usually is $12.99

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Q: What are the four worst words you could hear during a round of golf? A: It's still your turn!

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What kind of dog can tell time? A clockshund!

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Yo. I ain’t here at the moment. Leave a message at that silly beep and I’ll get back… (Sniff, sniff…) Hey, what are you cooking? It smells good.

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What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.

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My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

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It's OK if you don't like my personality. I've got others.

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Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense? A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

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How many letters are in the alphabet during the Christmas Season? Only 25...because there's Noel.

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Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat? Cats can't drive!

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Did you hear about the hillbilly who asked his friends to give him their burnt-out light bulbs. He wanted to start a dark room.

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Where do frogs leave their hats and coats? In the croakroom!

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How do you make 5 lbs. of fat attractive? Put a nipple on it.

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What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

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What do cats read in the morning? Mewspapers!

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Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first Marine said "those are deer tracks. "The second Marine said "No, those are elk tracks. "The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks. "The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.

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As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober!"

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What did the strawberry say on December 25th? Berry Christmas!

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I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my rain'>brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

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What do cat actors say on stage? Tabby or not tabby!

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What never comes but always leaves? My dates.

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What's Dracula's favorite beer? Bloodweiser

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What kind of dog only comes out at night? A dusky husky!

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