Jokes about Grandfather

My grandfather got new pants the other day. I asked him how they fit... He said "Like a cheap castle." Seeing'>Seeing the confused look on my face, he elaborated, saying, "No ball room."

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I'll never forget what my grandfather said to me right before he kicked the bucket. "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

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I was writing a paper on my grandfather... But had to stop because he was moving so much.

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Knock, knock. (Pause. Caller thinks, “Who’s there?”) Isn’t that MY question? (Pause.) Please leave a message…

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What would happen if tarantulas were as big as horses? If one bit you, you could ride it to hospital!

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Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!

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Doc, I've got a problem. Every morning at 8 sharp I poop. Doc: "How is that a problem?" Me: "I wake up at 9."

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Wife: "What's that beeping?" Me: "Fasten seatbelt alarm." Wife: "How can you ignore something so annoying?" Me: "Huh?"

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What do you do when a Chihuahua sneezes? Get a small hankie!

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Why do blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their picture.

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Q: Why did god create Adam before he created eve? A: Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

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My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

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A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

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What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm!

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What do you do when two snails have a fight? Leave them to slug it out!

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(Klingon voice:) Answering machine. Speak.

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Did you know drinking beer makes you smart? It made Bud wiser.

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Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer? A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.

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Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A: They don't have balls to scratch.

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People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I'm happiest when I'm right!

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Whats a frogs favorite game? It's croak-et!

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Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been sighted.

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Did you hear about the Oklahoma idiot who married an American Indian? They had a baby and wanted to name it to reflect both races. So they called it Running Dummy.

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What's drier than toast without butter? My sense of humor.

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Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

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Wojawicz walked into the department store with his mangy mutt. A floorwalker rushed over, pointed to the sign that read: 'No Dogs Allowed.' "Hey, Mister," he demanded of Wojawicz, "can't you read?" "So," said the Polack, "who's smoking?"

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Do cucumbers make anyone else burp? Or am I shoving mine up to far?

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What are spiders webs good for? Spiders!

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Q: How do you spot a happy motorcyclist in fair weather? A: He's got bugs on his teeth.

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You must be going to hell, because it is a sin to look that good.

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When do Chihuahuas smell? When they don't take a bath!

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A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

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Q: What do you catch when you go ice fishing? A: A cold

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