Jokes about Investment

If a leopard and a cheetah both had companies, which stock should you buy? The leopard's, because cheetahs never prosper.

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What do you call your mum who is shorter than you? A minimum.

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Julie the blonde was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighbourhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy-woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for ya. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, uh, how much do you want?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks OK?" Julie asked. "Yeah that's great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 15 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way, "said Julie, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

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Q: How do you tell one end of a worm from the other? A: Put it in a bowl of flour and wait for it to fart.

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How did the dog make anti-freeze? He stole her blanket.

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I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

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What is a cat's favorite car? The Catillac.

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What is the best time to take a Rottweiler for a walk? Any times he wants to!

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Two Flies Are Sitting On a Piece of Shit. The first fly farts. The other gives him a disgusted look and says, "Come on man! I'm eating here!"

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What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? reading'>Proofreading.

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What grade did the cat get on his test? He got a Purrrr-fect score!

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Why is the cat so grouchy? Because he's in a bad mewd.

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A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses...."

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A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

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If you've ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you've obviously never been married.

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Shingles were loose on Pennock's roof, and he complained about leaks to Barton, his neighbor. "Why don't you mend the roof?" asked Barton. "I can't today," Pennock replied. "It's pouring rain." "Well, why don't you patch it in dry weather." "It don't leak then!"

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Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

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What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? The winner of a hide and seek game.

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A guy goes to the doctor... He says, "Doc, every time I drink coffee I feel a sharp pain in my right eye." The doctor asks, "Did you take out the spoon?"

An elderly German sat before the fire and in a reflective moment spoke to his dog: "You iss only a dog, but I vish I vas you. Ven you go your bed in, you shust turn round dree times and lie down; ven I go de bed in, I haf to lock up de blace, and vind up de clock, and put out de cat, and undress myself, and my vife vakes up and scolds, and den de baby vakes and cries and I haf to valk him de house around, and den maybe I get myself to bed in time to get up again. "Ven you get up you shust stretch yourself, dig your neck a little, and you vas up. I haf to light de fire, put on de kiddle, scrap some vit my vif e, and get myself breakfast. You be lays round all day and haf blenty of fun. I haf to work all day and haf blenty of drubble. Ven you die, you vas dead; ven I die, I haf to go somewhere again."

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Thank you for calling 911. All of our operators are currently busy. Please stay on the line, and your call will be answered in the order it was received. (Worst Muzak possible.) Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. Or, if your little emergency isn't too serious, leave a message at the tone, and one of our crisis operators will call you back. Have a nice day.

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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep. However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy. "Good," shouted the blood soaked bat, "because I didn't!"

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Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the ladies room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one wish is granted. However, if one tells a lie then with a “POOF” you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. So, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." “POOF” The mirror swallows her. Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive." “POOF” The mirror swallows her. Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think. . . ." “POOF”

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Good day, Jim. Your contact, Linda, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.

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What do you get if you cross a spider and an elephant? I'm not sure, but if you see one walking across the ceiling then run before it collapses!

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Did you hear about the dumb father who returned from lunch and saw a sign on his door, "Back in 30 minutes," so he sat down to wait for himself?

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Please leave a tone after the message.

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Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out. After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together." The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly "Together, together, together."

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What's the difference between a sumo and a feminist? A sumo shaves their legs.

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What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You can step in a poodle!

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Why did the blonde get on the roof? She heard that the drinks were on the house.

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