Jokes about Job

I woke up suddenly terrified I'm late for work... I opened my eyes and chilled - I'm at work.

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Did you hear about the Chicken who went for his job interview? He got roasted!

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What is the name of a taxi service for bears? Ubear.

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A drunk stumbles into a confessional. The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest knocks on the wall. The drunk says, "Forget it, buddy, there's no paper in this one, either!"

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What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his butt!

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"What is 5Q + 5Q?" The class responds: "10Q." The teacher responds: "You're welcome"

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Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

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The number you have reached, 222-2222, has been changed. The new number is 222-2222. Please make a note of it.

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What did the blind man say when he walked into the fish market? "Good moooorninging ladies!"

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A women was considering buying an aging Thoroughbred but wanted a veterinarian's opinion of the horse before finalizing her deal. She asked when the vet had completed his examination - "Will I be able to race him?" The veterinarian looked at the woman, then at the horse. "Sure" he replied, "and you'll probably win!"

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What's a toads favorite sweet? Lollihops!

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What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!

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Zack and Tybe, two Alabama farm boys, bought themselves a truckload of watermelons for a buck apiece. They sold each one for a dollar. After counting up their cash, they realized they'd wound up with the same amount of money they'd started out with. "See!" said Tybe. "Ah told yew we shoulda got a bigger truck!"

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What is the cat's favorite TV show? The evening mews!

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Q: Why can't Chinese Barbecue? A: Because the rice falls through the grill

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When my neighbor's bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

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How can you tell a dog from a jar of peanut butter? The dog doesn't stick to the roof of your mouth.

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What is love? The energy of life. What is marriage? The energy bill ...

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Why did the dog run in circles? He was a watchdog and needed winding.

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Q: What side of the dog has the most fur? A: The Outside.

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My friend is so silly that he spent two weeks in a revolving door looking for the doorknob!

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A young man goes to his date's house to pick her up. She is not ready yet, so he nervously sits down in the living room with the girl's father who he has met for the first time. The father settles back into a chair and reads the paper, the family dog is laying at the young man's feet. Suddenly a gas pain hits the young man. "Oh no, not in front of her father," he thinks. So he holds it in as long as possible, then finally lets it sneak out making a rather loud noise. The father peeks over the top of the paper and says, "Spot!" The young man thinks, "Great! He thinks its the dog!" Soon another pain strikes and he doesn't hesitate to let it rip. The father puts down the paper, scowls at the dog and says, "Spot!" And goes back to reading the paper. Smiling to himself the young man lets go with the biggest, noisiest one yet. Furious, the father throws down the paper and yells...... "Spot!!! For heaven sake, move before he poops on you!"

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Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback? A: Turn off the carousel.

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There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi, I'm a zebra! What are you?" "I'm a cow." "Right, right. What do you do?" "I make milk for the farmer." "Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?" "I'm a chicken." "Oh, right. What do you do?" "I make eggs for the farmer." "Right, great, see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?" "I am a Stallion," said the stallion. "Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?" "Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."

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Do you have a twin sister? Then you must be the most beautiful girl in the world!

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Two Flies Are Sitting On a Piece of Shit. The first fly farts. The other gives him a disgusted look and says, "Come on man! I'm eating here!"

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I hope your day is as radiant as your smile.

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You never get a second chance to make a first impression. Unless you keep a stash of roofies on you at all times.

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Q: Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" A: The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

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Q: What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? A: What a lavaly day!

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Did you hear about the Puerto Rican secretary who was getting so experienced she could type twenty mistakes a minute?

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Yoga may be the key to your flexibility. Alcohol is the key to mine.

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So Craig bought a Great Dane pup, led it to Central Park, and turned it loose to ramble on the grass. Sure enough, a beautiful girl got up from a bench and made a beeline for him. "Is that your dog?" she asked. "It sure is," smiled Craig. "Then here's a summons for letting him run loose in the park without a leash," said the girl - a lady cop with a heart of stone.

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