Jokes about Job

Did you hear about the Chicken who went for his job interview? He got roasted!

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What is the name of a taxi service for bears? Ubear.

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I woke up suddenly terrified I'm late for work... I opened my eyes and chilled - I'm at work.

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Why doesn't a sociologist look out the window in the morning? Because then they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.

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Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color.

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Q: What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? A: What a lavaly day!

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The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

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Why did the mosquito go to the dentist? To improve his bite!

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What's the difference between a sumo and a feminist? A sumo shaves their legs.

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Doc, I've got a problem. Every morning at 8 sharp I poop. Doc: "How is that a problem?" Me: "I wake up at 9."

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What do you call a big irish spider? Paddy long legs!

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Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? A: Full.

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What did one cat say to another? Have you heard the mews today!

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How does a poodle say hello in France? Bone-jour!

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Q: What's the quickest way to a woman's heart? A: Straight through the rib cage.

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As Barrett drove along a seldom-traveled backroad, a springer spaniel ran out into the path of the car and was killed instantly. Barrett went to a nearby house. A woman was hanging clothes on a line so he explained what happened. "It's my husband's dog," said the woman, "and he loved that dog a lot. Best hunting dog a man ever had, he always said." "Well," said Barrett, "where is your husband? I think I should be the one to tell him about it." "He's back of the house, chopping wood," she replied. "But I don't want you to shock him what with his bad heart and all. So don't tell him it was the dog right off. Tell him it was me."

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Why did the sick eagle get deported? Because he was an illeagle.

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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

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Why don't blondes like pickles? They keep getting their head stuck in the jar.

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What works in a circus, walks a tightrope and has claws? An acrocat!

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What happened to the French poodle's new haircut when it rained? It got wet!

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Ive been eating eggs thinking they came from an egg plant. Im going to be sick, now that I know where they really come from.

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How do you take a Chihuahua's temperature? With a small thermometer!

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A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

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What's the secret to a long life? Never order vegetarian in Texas...

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A British Airways employee took a call from a blonde asking the question, "How long is the Concorde flight from London to New York?" "Um, just a minute, if you please," he murmured. Then, as he turned to check the exact flight time, he heard an equally polite, "Thank you," as the phone went dead.

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Q: What's the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer? A: The taste!

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What do you call a dog in jeans and a sweater? A plain clothes police dog!

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How did the dog feel when he lost his flashlight? Delighted.

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What did the maggot say to another? What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this!

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Why was the moth so unpopular? He kept picking holes in everything!

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Who's bad at baseball but fun at parties? A pitcher filled with margaritas!

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What has 2,000 eyes and 4,000 feet? A thousand dogs.

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Q: How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex? A: Call her and tell her.

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