Jokes about Music

Hendrix didn't need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

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What's the difference between a musician and a bag of rice? The bag of rice can feed a family of four.

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What's the most common blood type among drummers? Heroin.

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What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? A chain saw has a dynamic range.

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When my neighbor's bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

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Why do elephants have big flat feet? A: To stomp out burning ducks.

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What did the freshman computer science major say when he was told that the work stations had mice? Don't you have a cat?

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What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him, he still won't come!

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(Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... (Aside:) Hey Guido! Get the chainsaw! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll hear from Guido! (Laughter.)

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What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's nice, but can it pick up peanuts?"

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Pupil: The art teacher doesn't like what I'm making! Dad: What is it what are you making? Pupil: Mistakes!

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Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!

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What kind of doctors are like spiders? Spin doctors!

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Q: What sexual position do you use to make an ugly baby? A: Ask your parents.

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Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile? A: Aeroflot has killed more people.

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A lady goes to the dentist. In the chair, the dentist notices a little brown spot on one of her teeth. "Aha, cavity! I'll have to drill this one out!" says the dentist. "Oh no, I'd rather have a child!!!" cries the lady. "In that case, I will have to adjust the chair first" replies the dentist.

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Did you hear about the dimwit who was so dumb he thought Gatorade was welfare for crocodiles?

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You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.

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What's a mouse's favorite record? Please cheese me!

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Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

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Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it the looser it gets!

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When you fall, I'll always be there for you. Sincerely, The Floor.

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A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mom, "These sleepovers are killing me!"

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What did the wife spider say to her husband when he tried to explain why he was late? Your spinning me a yarn here!

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Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

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A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions - "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?" The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?" The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

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Little Willie'>Willie asked his mother: "Mamma, don't soldiers ever go to heaven?" "Of course they do!" protested his mother. "What makes you ask?" "There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw any pictures of angels with beards." "Oh, that's because most men who go to Heaven get there by a close shave."

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An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

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Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So... Leave your name and number and tell us where You saw Elvis!

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Q: What happens when a Blonde eats a mosquito? A: She has more rain'>brain cells in her stomach than her head.

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Which dog can tell time? A watchdog.

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Why did the cat frown when she passed the hen house? Because she heard fowl language!

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Gary was practicing his violin lesson in the house, while out on the porch his younger sister Lynne was playing with the dog. As the boy scraped away on his fiddle, the hound howled dismally. Lynne stood it as long as she could, then she poked her head in the open window and said, "For goodness sake, Gary, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"

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There was a guy who was in love with a beautiful woman, but he had a speech impediment and she wouldn't marry him because he talked funny. He learned of a school that could help him, so he enrolled and was gone for about 3 months. When he came back, his buddy picked him up at the airport and asked, "How'd it go, are you cured?" He said, "Well - sort - of - but - I - must - talk - real - slow - now." His buddy says, "That's OK, she loves you, she'll marry you." So he drops him off at her house. About 2 hours later he's back at his buddy's house. His buddy say's, "Well, how'd it go, are you going to get married?" He said, "No, - I - don't - think - so." His buddy asked, "What happened?" He said, "Well, - we - were - sitting - on - the - couch - talking - and - I - saw - the - cat - playing - with - the - balls - on - the - Christmas - tree - and - I - said, - " Look, - Honey, - after - we're - married , - you - can - do - that - to - me", - but, - by - the - time - I - said - it - and - she - looked, - the - cat - was - licking - his - ass!"

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Nothing freaks me out like when I'm ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask "What kind of meat is that?" and they answer "yes".

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