Jokes about Neighbor

My neighbor came over and knocked on my door at 3 a.m. the other night. Three in the morning, can you believe it? He was lucky I was still up playing my drums.

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Why didn't the Blonde have any ice cubes for her party? She lost the recipe.

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What kind of tea is sometimes hard to swallow ? Reality.

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An inmate was about to be discharged from an insane asylum. "Now that you've been pronounced cured," said the head psychiatrist, "what are your plans?" "Well, I used to be a lawyer," said the man, "so maybe I'll go back to that. Then again, being a certified public accountant, I might try that for a while. I might try teaching, too. And if I find I don't like any of those, I'll probably go in for architecture or maybe piloting a plane." He paused for a second and then added: "Of course, I might become a French poodle!"

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Last night I walked into a bar - it still hurts...

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Dick brought Sally to his pad. "What would you like to do?" he asked. "I'd like to see today's newspaper!" she said. "Sure," said Dick. "I'll send my dog for it. He's so smart he'll even bring back the change!" Dick gave the dog ten dollars and sent him for the paper. In an hour, when the dog didn't return, Dick and Sally went out looking for him. They found the animal making it with a French poodle. "Did he ever do this before?" asked Sally. "No," said Dick. "This is the first time he ever had any money."

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Did you hear about the Texan who moved to Oklahoma and raised the IQ level of both states?

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Q: What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A: A power failure.

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What do you call a basement full of blondes? A whine cellar.

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Winslow walked into the saloon and asked for a double bourbon. Suddenly he looked up and realized that tending bar, apron and all, was a large dog. "What's the matter," asked the canine, "haven't you ever seen a dog tending bar before?" "Oh, it's not that," said Winslow. "What happened to the horse? Did he sell the joint to you?

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Connie stopped at a pet shop and soon fell in love with the puppy playing in the window. She entered the shop to inquire about the pup's pedigree. "The mother is a pure bred Scottie," said the proprietor. "As for the father... well, the father comes from a very good neighbourhood.

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The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

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Gaining Weight? ...It's a piece of cake!

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Freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door

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Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color.

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What do you call a nutty dog in Australia? A dingo-ling!

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Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

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A blonde goes into a library and cheerfully says, "Hi! I'm here to see the doctor!" In a stern, but hushed voice, the librarian says, "Miss, this is a library." So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor."

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Why did the dog sleep so poorly? By mistake he plugged his electric blanket into the toaster and kept popping out of bed all night!

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A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It’s for my husband," she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn’t even know that I’m going to shoot him!"

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A man was stopped at a red light when a fantastic looking blonde pulled up beside him in a really hot Mustang convertible. Trying to start a conversation, the man asked, "Hey,..... how many horses you got under the hood?" The blonde looked at the man bewildered, and replied, "Well,.... there's one on the left side, one on the right side, ....... and oh yeah, there's one on that little front thingy."

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How can you tell a dogwood tree? By its bark!

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Q: How do you spot a happy motorcyclist in fair weather? A: He's got bugs on his teeth.

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You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

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In what kind of weather is a vet the busiest? When it's raining cats and dogs!

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Why is a frog luckier than a cat? Because a frog croaks all the time but a cat only gets to croak nine times!

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Q: How many absurdist/surrealist comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: November.

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Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it the looser it gets!

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Q: How do u get 4 gay men to sit on 1 stool? A: You turn it over!

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The problem with today's children is that today's parents are idiots.

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Walking past the Royal Courts of Justice one day, a man spotted a friend of his sitting on the steps outside, sobbing loudly with his head buried in his hands. "What's the matter?" he asked of his friend, "Did your lawyer give you bad advice ..?" "No - it's worse than that," replied the friend between sobs, " he sold it to me..."

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