Jokes about Physics

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much it is for a beer. The bartender says ; "For you.. No charge!"

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Good day, Jim. Your contact, Linda, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.

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If two lawyers were drowning and you could only save one of them would you read the paper or go to lunch?

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What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck? A duck filled fatty puss!

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Q: What did the cannibal's wife give her husband when he came home late for dinner? A: The cold shoulder.

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A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me." Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?" Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car." Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?" Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet." Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?" Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

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How can you open a banana? With a monkey!

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I hate people that drink in order to have fun. Why can't they say it's great just to drink, whether you have fun or not?

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Shingles were loose on Pennock's roof, and he complained about leaks to Barton, his neighbor. "Why don't you mend the roof?" asked Barton. "I can't today," Pennock replied. "It's pouring rain." "Well, why don't you patch it in dry weather." "It don't leak then!"

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Denis, a Psychiatrist, to his patient Menace: What's your problem? Menace: I think I'm a chicken. Denis the Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on? Menace: Since I was an egg!

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If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

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What do you call a happy Lassie? A jolly collie!

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Q: A fireman had two sons. What did he name them? A: Hosea and Hoseb

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Why did the dog say meow? He was learning a foreign language.

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I’m only here in spirit at the moment, but if you’ll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I’m here in person.

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Why are spiders like tops? They are always spinning!

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An American business'>businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."

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If you've ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you've obviously never been married.

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What squeaks as it solves crimes? Miami mice!

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My longest relationship was when an Uber driver took me all the way to the airport once.

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On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a coke, you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another coke dogface!" Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!" The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you've got some guts!"

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Congratulations! By correctly dialing 123-4567, you have become eligible to leave a message! (Applause) Join the lucky few that have advanced to the next level! (Cheers) And now, at the sound of the tone, leave your name, number, the time you called, and a brief message.

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Why did the Chihuahua bark when it heard a song on the radio? It didn't know the words!

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Why can't a bike stand on its own ? Because it's two tired.

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Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out. After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together." The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly "Together, together, together."

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Hello, I'm doing a survey of what people think are the cheesiest pickup lines. So, do you pick 'Do you come here often?', 'What's your sign?', or 'Hello, I'm doing a survey of what people think are the cheesiest pickup lines.'?

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I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry.

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What kind of cats purrs the best? Purrrrr-sians!

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Q: What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator? A: Shut the door, I'm dressing!

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I wanted to turn my life around so I tried to stop memeing all the time... ...It made my life memeingless

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Do you want to see a picture of a beautiful person? (hold up a mirror)

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