Jokes about Psychiatrist

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it!

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Who's this Rorschach dude? And why is he so good at drawing pictures of my mom beating me

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My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I'm already up to 3 times a day"

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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

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What position makes the ugliest children? Ask your parents

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What did the dog do when he broke his toe? He called a tow truck.

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What kind of dog does Dracula have? A bloodhound!

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Q: What do you get when you put a bomb and a dinosaur together? A: Dino-mite.

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What does a spider do when he gets angry? He goes up the wall!

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See my friend standing over there? He wants to know if you think I am cute!

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Fred: Do you think I'm a fool? Harry: No. But what's my opinion against thousands of others?

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Q: Have you heard about the new Iraqi Air Force exercise program? A: Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.

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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

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Why did the dog say he was an actor? His leg was in a cast.

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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep. However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy. "Good," shouted the blood soaked bat, "because I didn't!"

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Why did the fly fly? Because the spider spied 'er!

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When I open my eyes every morning I pray to God that everyone should have a friend like you... Why should only I suffer!

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Her: I do. And that marks the last time she ever agreed with me.

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A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.

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Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"

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Q: Where do fish sleep? A: In a river bed

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I made a band called Erectile Dysfunction. We never made it big.

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Life is about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

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A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, have you got any bread? The bartender replies no, we only sell beer here, so the ducks walks out. He walks in the next day and says to the bartender, have you got any bread? The bartender says, I told you yesterday, we only sell beer, so the ducks walks out. He walks back in the next day and says to the bartender, got any bread? the bartender says, if u come in here tomorrow asking for bread I'll nail your beak to the bar, so the duck walks out. He walks in the next day and says to the bartender, got any nails? No he answers. Got any bread?

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Teacher: Class we will have only half a day of school this morning. Class: Hooray! Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!

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Q: How many absurdist/surrealist comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: November.

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Where does a Rottweiller sit in the cinema? Anywhere it wants to!

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Did you hear about the dumb father who got up and struck a match to see if he had blown out the candle?

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Almost had a threeseom. All i needed was 2 more girls.

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What dog do other dogs tell their problems to? A complaint Bernard!

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A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He walks up to the bar and takes a seat, the giraffe does the same. The man orders a beer for himself and a double scotch for the giraffe. They both proceed to drink and after a while they order the same again. They continue all night, ordering the same drinks, drinking them and ordering another load until suddenly the giraffe falls off his stool and lies unconscious on the floor. The man gets up of his stool and heads for the door. The barman shouts at him as he heads out the door 'You can't leave that lyin' 'ere!' to which the man replies, 'Its not a lion its a giraffe!

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What is taller when it sits down than when it stands up? A dog.

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One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her, "My boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentines day this year so I guess I have to put my legs in the air for him.", and her friend replied, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

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A Los Angeles Times travel editor, tells about Califano, the famous dog trainer, who gave a party in honor of his talented Alsatian. As part of the entertainment, the hound lumbered over the baby grand, climbed on the stool, and proceeded to play a Bach sonata. Halfway through, one of the guests spoke too loudly and the animal growled and chased the heckler into a corner. "Don't worry," said Califano, "his Bach is worse than his bite."

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