Jokes about Psychiatrist

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

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My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I'm already up to 3 times a day"

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Who's this Rorschach dude? And why is he so good at drawing pictures of my mom beating me

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I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it!

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A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean.." she whispers, "..I would do ANYTHING!!" He returns her gaze. "Anything?" "Yes,.. Anything!" She says. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"

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A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store. His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?" "No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

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Years ago a feud broke out between two Manhattan newspapers, the New York Sun and the New York Post, with the latter angrily calling the Sun a yellow dog. The Sun subtly replied, "The Post calls the Sun a yellow dog. The attitude of the Sun, however, will continue to be that of any dog toward any post."

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O'Brien was seated in a train beside a pompous man who was accompanied by a dog. "This a fine dog you have," said the Irishman. "What kind is it?" "A cross between an Irishman and an ape," replied the man. "Sure, an' it's related to both of us," said the Irishman.

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Q: What did one flea say to the other flea when they came out of the movies? A: Should we walk home or take a dog?

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Harry is on his death bed, his wife Zelda is by his side: "Zelda, you've always been by my side" "When I broke my leg at 25; you were by my side" "When I had my first heart attack at 45; you were by my side" "When I had my second heart attack at 65; you were by my side" "When I broke my hip at 75; you were by my side" "And now when I'm dying; you are at my side"..."Zelda, you're a fucking jinx!!"

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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

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'ello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name and number, and prepare to die.

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One time this blonde girl was at a vending machine. She would stick a quarter in, push the button, and a soda would come out and she would put it on the top. She did this a few more times before a man asked why she kept doing this, and she said, "Because I'm winning."

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How do you make a plumber cry? You kill his family.

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Q: What is the cheapest meat? A: Deer balls, there under a buck.

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What did the tangerine say when it saw the Chihuahua? Nothing. Tangerines can't talk!

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My dad is really good at playing hide n' seek! It's been 12 years since we started and I still haven't found him!

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Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

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How did the dog's owner know his pet was angry about having soap flakes for breakfast? He foamed at the mouth.

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Life is like a box of chocolates... the fatter you are, the shorter it lasts!

Which part of an eagle is the hardest? The pecker.

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Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat? Cats can't drive!

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What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary? A peeping tom!

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Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill blonde appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance? "The lady replied, "My phone doesn't have an eleven!"

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Whats a frogs favorite game? It's croak-et!

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Q: What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A: He is usually home with the kids!

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What do you call a guy that hangs around with musicians? A drummer.

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Why do dogs lie down? They can't lie up!

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Which side of a dog has the most hair? The outside, of course.

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Can your dog catch a ball? My dog couldn't catch a cold!

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What's a toads favorite sweet? Lollihops!

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A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

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What's the difference between a sumo and a feminist? A sumo shaves their legs.

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I'm absolutely incredible in bed. In fact, yesterday I slept 15 hours.