Jokes about Restaurant

Nothing freaks me out like when I'm ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask "What kind of meat is that?" and they answer "yes".

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Q: What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator? A: Shut the door, I'm dressing!

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Mrs. Pennington was out walking her small Pekingese when she stopped to look down at an excavation where men were working. In one corner, a giant crane was stuck in a mudhole, and the men were trying to pull it out with the aid of a tractor. After a minute, Mrs. Pennington noticed the foreman standing next to her. "Lady, could we borrow your dog for a minute?" he asked. "What for?" "We'll hitch him up," said the man in charge, "and pull out that there crane." "What?" said the woman. "How can that little dog lift that great big crane? It's impossible!" "Oh, that's okay, lady," said the foreman. "We got whips."

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Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

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What kind of dog wears a uniform and medals? A guard dog!

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Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer? A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.

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How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb? Define "light bulb".

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What did the dog say to the pig? You are just a bore.

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I watched a gang bang video involving several bus drivers and one woman. She looked bored for half an hour, then suddenly they all came at the same time.

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Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

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Little Alan pointed to two dogs in the park and asked his father what they were doing. "They're making puppies, son," he explained. That night, the boy wandered into his parent's room while they were making love. Asked what they were doing, the father replied, "We're making you a baby brother." "Gee, Pop," pleaded the boy. "I'd rather have a puppy."

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Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!" "Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

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A snobbish Park Avenue matron walked 'into a pet shop and ordered the proprietor to give her the finest dog he had in the store. He showed her several of his prize animals but she was dissatisfied. Finally, he picked up an adorable little pup and handed it to her. "Is he pedigreed?" "Pedigreed, indeed?" smirked the owner. "If this dog could talk, he wouldn't speak to either of us."

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Why did the Chihuahua bark when it heard a song on the radio? It didn't know the words!

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Dear Algebra, please stop asking us to find your x. She is not coming back.

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What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? Both are empty from the neck up.

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Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

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Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you? That depends on whether you're a man or a mouse.

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What is the difference between a fly and a bird? A bird can fly but a fly can't bird!

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A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

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Why Do Scottish people wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper go down a mile away.

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Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

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What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

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Q: What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't? A: A navel.

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If you want an adrenaline rush, you should go camping... It's in tents.

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Did you hear about the fool who keeps going round saying "no"? No. Oh, so it's you!

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A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs. Her husband starts to cry. She says, "What's the matter?" He says, "Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can't wait to eat me."

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I didn't know that angels could fly so low!

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What's the difference between talking to your wife after you forgot something and a minefield? You can actually get through the minefield alive.

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Hello, this is Sid. I've got a puppy in one hand and a Smith & Wesson .38 in the other. Leave a message or the puppy gets it.

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Why did the fly fly? Because the spider spied 'er!

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