Jokes about Restaurant

Nothing freaks me out like when I'm ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask "What kind of meat is that?" and they answer "yes".

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I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

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What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear? A petticoat!

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What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea? A catameringue!

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What dog always gets on everyone's nerves? A great pane!

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Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs!

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An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home." "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!" Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" "He said the reflector is broken." "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" "I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake."

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I think I can die happy now, coz I've just seen a piece of heaven.

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Mrs. Johnson phoned the plummer because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large doberman inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!" Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts. As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!" To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

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What's happening when you hear "woof... splat... meow... splat?" It's raining cats and dogs.

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A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve. "Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

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Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you'll make your own bed. Guest: I'll make my own bed. Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

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Q: What do Israeli soldiers do when they get bored? A: They go over to the West Bank & the Gaza Strip and get stoned.

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A woman strode angrily into the large drug-store-cum-general-store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?" The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for 'cats'?"

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What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.

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Why do pens get sent to prison? To do long sentences!

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How do you keep a blonde girl busy all day? Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

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A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

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Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the ladies room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one wish is granted. However, if one tells a lie then with a “POOF” you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. So, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." “POOF” The mirror swallows her. Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive." “POOF” The mirror swallows her. Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think. . . ." “POOF”

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You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get back to you as soon as possible.

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Do you know what Rodeo Sex is? It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!

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What position is the best for a Chihuahua to play in baseball? Shortstop!

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Q: What has one horn and gives milk? A: A milk truck.

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A woman and her little boy were walking through a park in New York and they pass two squirrels having sex. The little boy asks his mom, "Mommy, mommy, what are they doing?" The lady responded, "They're making a sandwich." Then they pass two dogs having sex and the little boy again asks what they were doing. His mother again replied they were making a sandwich. A couple of days later the little boy walks in on his mother and father and said "Mommy, Daddy, you must be making a sandwich because, Mommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth!!!"

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What do insects learn at school? Mothmatics!

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Q: Why don't Polish people kill frogs? A: Because it's their national bird.

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Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg? He's all right.

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Little farmboy comes in late for school. Teacher asks why he's late. Farmboy replies that he had to take the family cow over to the neighbour's to get her bred by a bull. Annoyed, teacher demands, "Can't your father do that?" Little farm boy thinks for a moment: replies, "Well, sure... but the bull can do it better."

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Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and your favorite color of underwear. We'll get back to you if we like the color.

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How do you know a introvert likes you... He stares at your shoes instead of his.

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What kind of dog is the most colorful? A paint Bernard!

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