Jokes about Shopping

I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.

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I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.

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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is!” My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

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Why do worms taste like chewing gum? Because they're wrigleys!

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Q: What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman? A: A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.

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Q: What did one cannibal say to the other cannibal while eating the clown? A: "Does this taste funny to you?"

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How do you think the unthinkable? Run your ship into an iceberg...

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Q: What's the difference between engagement and hemaroihds? A: When the hemaroihds are over you at least get the ring back!

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You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new…

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Did you hear about the Baton Rouge bride who cancelled the wedding when she heard her friends were planning to give her a shower?

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What are the worst six years in a blonde's life? Third Grade.

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What should you know before you teach your puppy a new trick? You should know more than your puppy!

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Freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door

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There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again. Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied, "Could you hold my camel?"

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Q: Why do bikes have kick-stands? A: Because they're two-tired.

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Q: A fireman had two sons. What did he name them? A: Hosea and Hoseb

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How do frogs die? They kermit suidide!

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Q: What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy? A: When you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you!

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Why didn't the German shepherd bark when the robber broke into the house? It had laryngitis!

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Did you hear about the stupid wizard? He couldn't remember if he used to be forgetful.

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Camper: "Look at that bunch of cows." Farmer: "Not bunch, herd." Camper: "Heard what?" Farmer: "Of cows." Camper: "Sure I've heard of cows." Farmer: "No, I mean a cowherd." Camper: "So what? I have no secrets from cows!"

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Why did the idiot plant nickels in his garden? He wanted to raise some hard cash.

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What never comes but always leaves? My dates.

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What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison.

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Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!

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What did the left leg say to the right leg? Between me and you, we need a haircut.

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What do you do when a Chihuahua sneezes? Get a small hankie!

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People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

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Q: Why do farts smell? A: So deaf people can enjoy them too.

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Did you hear about the idiot who invented the one-piece jigsaw puzzle?

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A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her "What happened?" She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?" "The person called back."

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What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear? A petticoat!

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