Jokes about Vegan

Caught my vegan roommate crying today while chopping onions. These people are taking it too far now!

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Q: What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A: He is usually home with the kids!

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If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam I'd have $ 6.30 now

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I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.

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Why is everything in your home damaged? My dog is in the middle of being house-broken!

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I feel like Richard Gere, I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.

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Q: What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A: He is usually home with the kids!

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What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!

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Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus? A: The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

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One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to see her doctor. Doctor: What was your dream about? Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire! Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like? Blonde: I was running in a hall way. Doctor: Then what happened? Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge! Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it? Blonde: Yes it did. Doctor: And what did these letters spell? Blonde: It said "Pull"

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People are mad because MTV doesn't show music videos. What about Fox News? They haven't shown a fox in months.

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Militaristic mechanical voice: FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES.

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Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... cation'>vacation... apple... I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

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Do you want to see a picture of a beautiful person? (hold up a mirror)

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Q: How did bulldogs get such flat noses? A: From chasing cars.

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The front door was accidentally left open and our dog was gone. After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got in the car and went looking for him. He drove around the neigbourhood for some time with no luck. Finally he stopoed beside a couple

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Q: What's the speed limit of sex? A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

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My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can't get out of the bathtub.

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There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

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What happens when two cats want the same dish of food? They get into a phsssssst fight!

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If two lawyers were drowning and you could only save one of them would you read the paper or go to lunch?

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Why isn't there gambling in Africa? Too many cheetahs.

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Teacher : In the exam you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question. Pupil: How long for the answer sir?

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Why Steve, you're so depressed today, what's the matter? Ah, well, I have had a quarrel with my mother-in-law. She swore to me she wouldn't talk to me for a month! Then so bad about it? You should celebrate the event! No, no, see...that was four weeks ago, and today is the last day...

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On the bright side selfie sticks are also lightning rods.

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Did you hear about the idiot who made his chickens drink boiling water? He thought they would lay hard boiled eggs.

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Why can't a bike stand on its own ? Because it's two tired.

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Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant? A: When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

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At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

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What do you get if you take a really big dog out for a walk? A Great Dane out!

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One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..." Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies "F**k me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

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