Jokes about Vegan

Caught my vegan roommate crying today while chopping onions. These people are taking it too far now!

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“I'm sorry, were you talking to me?” “No!” “Well then, please start.”

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Q: What do you call a woman who marries an old, ugly and poor man? A: Stupid!

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Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I’ll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week’s National Enquirer.

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What do you call a nation of programmers? A developing country

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A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks, "Is anyone here a doctor. "One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says, "I'm a doctor, what can I help you with?" "I've been stung by a bee." "Oh really, where?" "Between the first and second hole" "Well, first of all, your stance is too wide..."

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A man was stopped at a red light when a fantastic looking blonde pulled up beside him in a really hot Mustang convertible. Trying to start a conversation, the man asked, "Hey,..... how many horses you got under the hood?" The blonde looked at the man bewildered, and replied, "Well,.... there's one on the left side, one on the right side, ....... and oh yeah, there's one on that little front thingy."

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You have reached 555-5555. Why?

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Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... cation'>vacation... apple... I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

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Why did the Chihuahua ask the bloodhound to take it to a restaurant? Because the bloodhound just found a lot of scents!

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Q: Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals look out the window in the morning? A: So they have something to do in the afternoon.

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Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off and go relax." Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically. He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?" Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"

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What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison.

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What dog loves to take bubble baths? A shampoodle!

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Knock, knock. (Pause. Caller thinks, “Who’s there?”) Isn’t that MY question? (Pause.) Please leave a message…

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Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? For throwing out the W's.

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What do you get if cross a frog with some mist? Kermit the Fog!

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Why don't girls have beards? It's in their jeans...

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What did one snowman say to the other snowman? I smell carrots too.

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I've decided to start my own herb garden. I've got a lot of extra Thyme.

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Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

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Did you hear about the Georgia accountant who absconded with all the accounts payable?

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What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak? Morse toad!

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Why do mice need oiling? Because they squeak!

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There was a guy who was in love with a beautiful woman, but he had a speech impediment and she wouldn't marry him because he talked funny. He learned of a school that could help him, so he enrolled and was gone for about 3 months. When he came back, his buddy picked him up at the airport and asked, "How'd it go, are you cured?" He said, "Well - sort - of - but - I - must - talk - real - slow - now." His buddy says, "That's OK, she loves you, she'll marry you." So he drops him off at her house. About 2 hours later he's back at his buddy's house. His buddy say's, "Well, how'd it go, are you going to get married?" He said, "No, - I - don't - think - so." His buddy asked, "What happened?" He said, "Well, - we - were - sitting - on - the - couch - talking - and - I - saw - the - cat - playing - with - the - balls - on - the - Christmas - tree - and - I - said, - " Look, - Honey, - after - we're - married , - you - can - do - that - to - me", - but, - by - the - time - I - said - it - and - she - looked, - the - cat - was - licking - his - ass!"

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How do you confuse an idiot? Give him two spades and ask him to take his pick.

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What is the difference between fleas and dogs? Dogs can have fleas but fleas can't have dogs!

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Odum, an elderly black called before the justice of the peace, was charged with keeping a vicious dog. "That dog bit my girl Bobbie Jo three times," complained the mother. "Did your dog bite little Bobbie Jo?" asked the judge. "No sir," said Odum. "My dog, he never bit any little girl." "Well," said the judge to the mother, "this man says the dog didn't bite your little girl." "I'll go home and bring Bobbie Jo here and show you," said the woman. "Hold on," said the black man. "In the first place the dog is so old he ain' got no teeth and he can't bite. In the second place the dog is blind and couldn't see Bobbie Jo anyhow. In the third place the dog is deaf and can't hear a thing, and in the fourth place he ain't my dog in the first place."

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Did you hear about the stupid wizard? He couldn't remember if he used to be forgetful.

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Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?

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Where does a Rottweiller sit in the cinema? Anywhere it wants to!

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