Did you hear about the Finn who spent a fortune building a storm cellar in case there was an earthquake.

Why did the idiot plant nickels in his garden? He wanted to raise some hard cash.

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A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate himself) was hospitalized.

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How can you tell if a Chihuahua has been in the refrigerator? Paw prints in the butter!

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You have reached 123-4567. Please hold while I process your call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important callers. None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day.

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Alsation: Was your master playing catch with you? Chihuahua: No, I was playing throw with her!

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The police department, famous for its superior canine (K-9) unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident. Returning home from work a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash the blonde ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, 'I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!'

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Teacher: "Name six wild animals" Pupil: "Four elephants and two lions!"

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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

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How do you spell mousetrap in just three letters? C-A-T!

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Why don't they have a concert on the moon? No atmosphere

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One August morning, farmer Hoskins started to town with horse and wagon. Half-way in, the horse stopped, turned his head, and said, "Sakes alive, but it's hot." The amazed farmer turned to his dog riding beside him and asked, "Did you hear what I heard?" "Yeah," said the dog, "but he's like every one else; always talking about the weather and never doing anything about it."

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I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

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How many cats can you put into an empty box? Only one. After that, the box isn't empty.

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Why doesn't a dog ever have a nose 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

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The State Department of Fish and Wildlife for Louisiana is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as "little bells" on their clothing to alert, but not startle the alligators, unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of "pepper spray" in case of an encounter with an alligator. It's also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity and be able to recognize the difference between young alligator and adult alligator droppings. Young'>Young alligator droppings are small, contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.

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After being married ten years, Belding consulted a marriage counselor. "When I first married," he said, "I was very happy. I'd come home from a hard day down at the shop. My little dog would race around barking, and my wife would bring me my slippers. Now after all these years, everything's changed. When I come home, my dog brings me my slippers, and my wife barks at meI" "Why are you complaining?" said the marriage counselor. "You're still getting the same service."

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The teacher asked a Louisiana teenager to count to five. The youngster proceeded to count to five on his fingers. Then the teacher asked, "Can you count any higher?" The boy raised his hands over his head and counted to five again.

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A blonde walked in on her husband having an affair. She was so angry she pulled out a gun and pointed to the woman's head. She was about to pull the trigger, when her husband said, "No, don't!" and she replied, "Shut up, you're next!"

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Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you. (Caller thinks that he/she accidentally dialed long distance.

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A silly boy spent the afternoon with some friends, but when the time came for him to leave, a terrific storm started with thunder, lightning and torrential rain. 'You can't go home in this,' said one of his friends, ' you'd better stay the night.' 'That's very kind of you,' said the boy. ' I'll just run home and get my pyjamas.'

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I gave her my heart but what she really needed was kidney transplant...

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One of King Arthur's lesser-known knights was a little man named Sir Punum. Sir Punum was a very poor knight and couldn't even afford a horse. He was forced to ride around on a rented Saint Bernard. One pitch-black night, Sir Punum was riding down a path through the woods when a storm started up. The knight turned his St. Bernard around and headed toward a lonely inn a little way off the road. When he got there he pounded on the door with his spear and asked for shelter. "Do you have a reservation?" asked the innkeeper. "No," replied the poor knight. "Sorry," said the innkeeper, "we're full up." Then he looked down and saw Sir Punum astride his mount. "Oh, well," he reconsidered, "come on in. We'll make room for you somehow. I wouldn't turn out a knight on a dog like this."

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Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them!

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What happened when the chef found a daddy long legs in the salad? It became a daddy short legs!

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What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger? A big mac.

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Two ladies fighting for a seat in a bus... Bus conductor: "The older one should sit here". Both looked at each other and the seat remained empty...

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What's worse than finding cum stains in your son's underwear? Finding cum stains in the back of the underwear.

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What does a woman and KFC have in common? By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

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Q: What do you call a smart blond? A: A golden retriever!

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What is the best kind of dog to direct traffic at a busy intersection? A pointer!

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