How come you're only watering half your lawn? a perplexed tourist asked a Richmond resident. "I just heard there was a fifty percent chance of rain."

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

More Pictures

                       

What is small, furry and smells like bacon? A hamster!

More Pictures

                       

What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden!

More Pictures

                       

What's the secret to a long life? Never order vegetarian in Texas...

More Pictures

                       

Q: Why do men always want their brides to wear white? A: Because they want their dish washer to match their fridge and stove.

More Pictures

                       

A boy with an elephant on his head went to see a doctor. The doctor said, "You know you really need help""Yes I do", said the elephant, "get this kid off my foot !"

More Pictures

                       

A famous magician had a thundering finish to his act. He would fill a large bowl with shit and proceed to slurp it noisily, to the amazement of his audience. One night he had just begun the wow finish of his act when he stopped in his tracks. "Go ahead," said the stage manager. "Eat the shit, eat the shit!" "I just can't do it", said the magician. "There's a hair in it!"

More Pictures

                       

What do you get when you cross a Chihuahua with a brave giraffe? A Chihuahua that is not afraid to stick its neck out!

More Pictures

                       

What is a dogs favourite flower? Anything in your garden!

More Pictures

                       

Why don't women fart? They can't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

More Pictures

                       

On a deserted island there were three women, a blond a brunette and a redhead. They needed to get back to the mainland and the only way was by swimming. The redhead goes first. She makes it a quarter of the way then drowns. The brunnette goes second. She makes it one third of the way then drowns. The blonde comes last. She makes it one half of the way, gets tired and then turns back.

More Pictures

                       

When are Pomeranians good at taking photographs? Only when they snap at something!

More Pictures

                       

Why is it called a "litter" of puppies? Because they mess up the whole house!

More Pictures

                       

Customer: Do you have and cockroaches? Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman. Customer: I would like 20,000 of them. Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches? Customer: I’m moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it.

More Pictures

                       

Q: How do u get 4 gay men to sit on 1 stool? A: You turn it over!

More Pictures

                       

What does a woman and KFC have in common? By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

More Pictures

                       

What does a spider do when he gets angry? He goes up the wall!

More Pictures

                       

Q: Why is a dog scared of a fire? A: It doesn't want to become a hot dog.

More Pictures

                       

Did you hear about the lawyer on cation'>vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters? He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help. As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins -- great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer. To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and escorted him safely to shore. When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had managed such an incredible feat. The lawyer answered, "Professional courtesy."

More Pictures

                       

Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully, the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

More Pictures

                       

How do cats eat spaghetti? The same as everyone else - they put it in their mouths!

More Pictures

                       

What does have eyes but can't see, has legs but can't walk, and has wings but can't fly? A dead bird.

More Pictures

                       

How do you say "Chihuahua" in Italy? Chihuahua!

More Pictures

                       

What did the slug say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!

More Pictures

                       

How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light!

More Pictures

                       

A drunk stumbles into a confessional. The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest knocks on the wall. The drunk says, "Forget it, buddy, there's no paper in this one, either!"

More Pictures

                       

If a blonde and a brunette fell out of an airplane, who would land first? The brunette. The blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.

More Pictures

                       

Q: What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 lbs. Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? A: Sexual harassment. Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? A: $ 3.99 a minute.

More Pictures

                       

Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.

More Pictures

                       

What did the snail say when he jumped on the turtle's back? "Wheeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!"

More Pictures