What has eight legs and an IQ of forty? Four guys watching a baseball game.

What did the DNA say to the other DNA? Do these genes make me look fat?

What kind of dog can you best see in the dark? A glowberman pinscher!

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What's a mouse's least favorite record? What's up Pussycat!

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Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A: To get away from the noise.

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What kind of pants do you buy for your pet Chihuahua? Shorts!

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What is the best time to take a Rottweiler for a walk? Any times he wants to!

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Three blondes are stranded on an island. They find a lamp and rub it and out pops a genie. "I will grant each of you one wish" the genie said. The first blonde said that she wished to be smarter than the other two, and she turned into a brunette and swam off the island. The second blonde said that she wished to be smarter than the other two, and she turned into a red-head and built a raft and rowed off the island. The third blonde wished to be smarter than the other two, and she turned into a brunette and walked across the bridge.

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Q: How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry? A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she's old enough. If it isn't, cut the barrel down a bit.

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Where do you find a dog with no legs? Wherever you left it.

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Why was the mother flea so unhappy? All her children had gone to the dogs.

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Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.

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Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water? A: Just spell "Evian" backwards!

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What did the dog do when the panhandler put the bite on him? Bit him, naturally.

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What newspapers do cats read? The Daily Mews!

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People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

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Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense? A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

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A stupid man was struggling out of his house with a big table. His neighbor said to him, "Hello, Harry. Where are you going with that then?" And Harry replied, "I'm taking it to the store to have it measured for a new tablecloth."

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Honking the whole time isn't going to make everyone in front of you go any faster. Stupid geese.

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One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?" To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!" The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm". The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was. The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?" To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the ladies cammode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!

Why was Mr. Behaving sad? His daughter was always Ms. Behaving.

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I made a band called Erectile Dysfunction. We never made it big.

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Q: Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with newspaper? A: Yes, if you wrap an iron in it.

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Q: What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? A: Anything you want. He can't hear you.

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A Polish student was in his the college campus bookstore. Questioning the store clerk about a book for one of his classes, the clerk responded, "This book will do half the job for you." "Good," the Polack replied, "I'll take two."

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Q: What happens when a Blonde eats a mosquito? A: She has more rain'>brain cells in her stomach than her head.

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Q: Why don't polish women use vibrators? A: It chips their teeth.

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Where did the dog breeder keep his savings ? In bark-lays bank !

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Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, Lie to me!

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Why did Silly Sue throw her guitar away? Because it had a hole in the middle.

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Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.

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