How can you tell a dog from a jar of peanut butter? The dog doesn't stick to the roof of your mouth.

(Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm!

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What are 3 two letter words that say small? Is it in.

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How do you spell mousetrap in just three letters? C-A-T!

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The State Department of Fish and Wildlife for Louisiana is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as "little bells" on their clothing to alert, but not startle the alligators, unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of "pepper spray" in case of an encounter with an alligator. It's also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity and be able to recognize the difference between young alligator and adult alligator droppings. Young'>Young alligator droppings are small, contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.

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Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you'll make your own bed. Guest: I'll make my own bed. Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

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If at first you don't succeed... then skydiving is NOT for you.

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An evil genie captured a brunette, a redhead, and a dumb blonde and banished them all to the desert for a week. The genie allowed them each to bring one thing. The brunette brought a canteen so she wouldn't die of thirst. The redhead brought an umbrella so she could keep the sun off. The dumb blonde brought a car door, so if it got too hot out, she could just roll down the window!

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A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads... Dear Wife, I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary." When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows... Dear Husband, I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. AND, you, being an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

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Tyfus applied for a job in a factory. The company doctor who was giving him a physical asked, "Have your eyes ever been checked?" "No," said the worker. "They've always been brown."

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Alsation: What kind of computer do you want to buy? Chihuahua: One with a small byte!

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What do you get if you cross a cat with Father Christmas? Santa Claws!

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What do cats read in the morning? Mewspapers!

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A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, ''Hey, we have a drink named after you!'' The grasshopper looks surprised and says, ''You have a drink named Steve?''

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How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!

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A giant panda went into a cafe and ordered a cheeseburger. It sat there quietly eating the cheeseburger, then it got up, took out a gun, shot the waiter, and walked outside. "Did you see that?" exclaimed a customer. "Why did he do that?" he asked the manager. The manager looked up from the book he was leafing through. "I'm looking it up in the dictionary," he replied. "It says here: "Panda, eats shoots and leaves."

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Pupil: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher: Of course not Pupil: Good, because I didn't do my homework

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Perkins dropped over to visit Nelson, a new neighbour. They were sitting in the den talking when a dog came in and asked if anyone had seen the Sunday Times. He was handed the newspaper and left. "That's remarkable," exclaimed Perkings. "A dog that reads." "Oh, don't let him fool you," said Nelson. "He just looks at the comics."

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I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

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What is a French cat's favorite pudding? Chocolate mouse!

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Rick's mother couldn't bring herself to tell the little boy that his dog, Paddy, had been run over. When Rick came home from school, she talked of other things for a few minutes, but inevitably was asked: "Where's Paddy?" "Paddy has been killed by an automobile," she told him. "Oh," said the boy, and went whistling out to play. At dinnertime Rick said, "Hey, Mom, Where's Paddy?" "Darling," his mother said; "I told you this afternoon that Paddy had been killed by an automobile." The little boy burst into tears. "When I told you this afternoon," she said, "it didn't seem to bother you." "No," sniffed the boy, "I thought you said Daddy."

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A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars." The neighbour said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such animal." Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times." "Hey!" said the neighbour. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?" "Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."

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Did you hear about the idiot who planted Cheerios'>Cheerios in his backyard? He thought they were donut seeds.

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Have you heard the joke about the corrupt government? [Content Removed]

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Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A: Wiped his ass.

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Why are Albanians given only a half hour for lunch? They don't want to have to retrain them.

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When is a dog most likely to enter the house? When the door is open.

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What is the definition of a caterpillar? A worm in a fur coat!

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How did the dog's owner know his pet was angry about having soap flakes for breakfast? He foamed at the mouth.

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Where do frogs leave their hats and coats? In the croakroom!

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A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closetfloor. You rotten bastard, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!

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