Why did the idiot plant nickels in his garden? He wanted to raise some hard cash.

Q: Did you hear about the 4 Pollocks who froze to death in adrive-in movie? They went to see "Closed For the Winter"!

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Q: What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? A: Anything you want. He can't hear you.

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Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water? A: Just spell "Evian" backwards!

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What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm!

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Why do you always find the cat in the last place you look? Because you stop looking after you find it.

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OK, one more time… This is our answering machine… This is the message on our answering machine… Any questions?

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Q: Where does your nose go, when it gets hungry? A: Booger King!

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What did the strawberry say on December 25th? Berry Christmas!

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Be nice to people on your way up so they won't get suspicious when you're rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

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Your dog bit me, said Pearson, "and I'm gonna sue." "Tell you what," said Sommers, "I'll give you $100 to settle out of court." "I'll take it. Say, what are you laughing at?" "That's a counterfeit bill. What are you laughing at?" "I've got a wooden leg."

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Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!

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Hello, I'm doing a survey of what people think are the cheesiest pickup lines. So, do you pick 'Do you come here often?', 'What's your sign?', or 'Hello, I'm doing a survey of what people think are the cheesiest pickup lines.'?

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Why can't Chihuahuas run marathons? They're short of breath!

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A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir." "Correct, says the manager, now try this one." "That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused, says the blind man, Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

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I'm not crazy, my reality is just prettier than yours.

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Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving? A: The police.

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Iraq has just ordered two thousand septic tanks from Russia. As soon as the Iraqis learn to drive them, they are going to invade Iran.

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One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her, "My boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentines day this year so I guess I have to put my legs in the air for him.", and her friend replied, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

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How can you tell a male dinosaur from a female dinosaur? Ask it a question. If he answers it's a male if she answers it's female.

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Q: What do you get when a cow gets stuck in an earthquake? A: A milk shake!

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A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor I'm hurting all over my body." "That's odd", replied the doctor, "Show me what you mean" So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on. The doctor says, "You're not a natural brunette are you?" "No I'm a blonde", she replies. "I thought so.... your finger is broken.", replies the doctor.

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What do a teenage boy and a dog have in common? They both want to bury their bone.

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Who's bad at baseball but fun at parties? A pitcher filled with margaritas!

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Why Steve, you're so depressed today, what's the matter? Ah, well, I have had a quarrel with my mother-in-law. She swore to me she wouldn't talk to me for a month! Then so bad about it? You should celebrate the event! No, no, see...that was four weeks ago, and today is the last day...

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Q: What do you do if a blond throws a pin at you? A: Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.

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Why did the blonde cross the road? I dont know, and neither does she.

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Craig was a lonely bachelor and his pal Paul was trying to help. "The best way to meet girls in New York is to buy a dog," said Paul, "and walk him in the park. Available chicks always stop to pet the dog and ask his name and you can take it from there!"

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Harrison walked into the police station to report that his wife was missing. The sergeant began writing up the case. "How tall is she?" "About so high, give or take a little." "How much does she weigh?" "About average, I guess." "Color eyes?" "Neutral. I'm not too sure." "Hair color?" "I don't know. It changes." "What was she wearing?" "I suppose a hat and a coat." "Was she carrying anything?" "Yeah, a dog on a leash." "What kind of dog?" "A pedigreed white and gray German Shepherd, weighing thirty-nine pounds, six hands high, license 21-14-697-41-AFY, wearing a black collar, slightly deaf in the left ear, and answers to the name of Sam!"

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Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, Little Johnny's Father asked how much his last date had cost. Little Johnny calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so I think." "Well," said his Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening." "To be honest Dad," Little Johnny went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had."

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Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile? A: Aeroflot has killed more people.

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