Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q: What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A: A power failure.

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What do cats use to make coffee? A purrcolator.

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Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them. The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible!" The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God!" "She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?" "Easy...Every night she places a burnt offering before me!"

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A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his chop out and and places it on the counter. "What are you doing, Sir?", she asks. "This is a clock shop!!" He replied, "I know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!"

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Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water? A: Just spell "Evian" backwards!

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What do you call a guy that hangs around with musicians? A drummer.

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Q: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? A: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

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The bartender looked up in surprise as the big shaggy dog sauntered into the bar. "I'll have a Scotch and water," said the dog. The bartender placed the drink in front of him and the dog downed it in one gulp. "That'll be $10," said the bartender, hoping to take advantage of the creature. The dog paid it and started to leave. "You know," said the bartender, "we don't see many dogs in this bar." "Yeah," scowled the dog, "and at $10 a drink you won't see any more, either."

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As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention. The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"

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Why shouldn't blondes be given a coffee break? It takes too long to retrain them.

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What do mice do when they're at home? Mousework!

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Party Host: Hello? Phone Caller: I'm trying to reach a Ms. Nidiot. Her first name is Ima. Could you please ask if anybody at your party knows her? Party Host: I'd be glad to. Please hold on. (shouts) Excuse me, but does anybody know Ima Nidiot?

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I'm not crazy, my reality is just prettier than yours.

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Authorities in Beijing have advised that the Earthquake felt by millions last night was nothing to worry about. It was just the start of China's two-child policy.

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What do you get when you cross a Chihuahua with a brave giraffe? A Chihuahua that is not afraid to stick its neck out!

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Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas? A: Highway 55.

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Did you hear about the Chinese Chef who broke out of jail? Apparently he went out for a wok and never came back.

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Who's killed more natives than General Custer? Jack Daniels

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An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds. The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

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Sam: I wish i had enough money to buy a pedigree cat Bill: Why do you want a pedigree cat? Sam: I don't - I just wish i had that much money

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Why does a Chihuahua have four legs? So it can count past three!

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What is the cat's favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.

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I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar. I guess there is life on Mars after all.

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A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt. "Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?"

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Q: What did one flea say to the other flea when they came out of the movies? A: Should we walk home or take a dog?

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A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."

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There is an old story about the data center of the future. This data center runs 24/7 with only a man and a dog. The man's job is to feed the dog. The dog's job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer.

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I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"

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Q: What kind of dog does a dracula like? A: A Bloodhound.

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Shingles were loose on Pennock's roof, and he complained about leaks to Barton, his neighbor. "Why don't you mend the roof?" asked Barton. "I can't today," Pennock replied. "It's pouring rain." "Well, why don't you patch it in dry weather." "It don't leak then!"

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