How do you find your dog if he's lost in the woods? Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!

The rich Beverly Hills widow loved her poodle, Poopie, even more than her dead husband. Poopie had his own appendicitis operation, all his teeth capped, and a special wardrobe designed by Yves St. Laurent. One evening she sent for the new butler. "Did you ring, madam?" "Yes, Harrison, I wish you to take Poopie out walking for two hours." "But Poopie won't follow me, madam," he replied. "Then, Harrison, you must follow Poopie."

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Why did the spider buy a car? So he could take it out for a spin!

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Q: How do you spot a happy motorcyclist in fair weather? A: He's got bugs on his teeth.

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One day, a dog ran out into the street and was killed by a passing car. The woman was in tears that night when her husband came home. His efforts to comfort her were to no avail. Finally, he said, "Darling, stop crying and I'll buy you a new hat." "But," she cried, "if you knew how much I miss him you'd make that a fur coat."

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How many seasons are there in a dogs life? Just one, the moulting season!

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A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve. "Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

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Hello. I'm home right now but can not find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

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A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

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How do you spell "Chihuahua?" "C-h-i-w-o-w-a." That's not even close! But you asked me how I spelled it!

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Kowalski and Janzek left Hamtramack and went out in the woods looking for Christmas trees. They looked all day without any luck. Near nightfall Kowalski finally said, "Janzek, I'm takin' the next tree we come to, whether it has lights on it or not!"

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Where do frogs keep their money? In a river bank!

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Blendon got onto a plane carrying a little Yorkshire Terrier in his arms. The stewardess, upon seeing the animal, said, "You're not allowed to have the dog with you." Blendon rushed out to an airport shop, bought a leash and dark glasses, and again tried to enter the plane with the tiny Yorkie leading the way. "I'm sorry," said the hostess. "You're not allowed to bring the dog on board!" "But I am blind!" said Blendon, "and this is my seeing-eye dog." "I thought all seeing-eye dogs were German Shepherds," said the stewardess. "You mean he isn't?!"

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What side of a Chihuahua has the most hair? The outside!

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Set a man a fire and he'll stay warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he'll stay warm for the rest of his life.

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Q: What sexual position do you use to make an ugly baby? A: Ask your parents.

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What's gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves? Stalagmice!

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What did the blonde say when she opened the box of cheerios? Oh look, daddy...doughnut seeds

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Why do hurricanes travel so fast? Because if they travelled slowly we'd have to call them slow-i-canes.

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Q: Do you know what an Australian kiss is? A: It's like a French kiss, but down under.

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What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese? He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath!

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What is a dog's favourite sport? Formula 1 drooling!

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How do you get a fat girl into bed? Piece of cake.

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I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.

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Q: What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 lbs. Q: What is the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes. Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? A: Sexual harassment. Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? A: $ 3.99 a minute.

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Q: Why do the commodes in Marine barracks have the cut-out type seats? A: So that if the seat falls while they're drinking, it won't smack them in the back of the head.

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What should you never do in front of an alcoholic? Whine.

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What's fatter than your mom? Your mom after her next meal.

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What kind of pictures does a mermaid take on her phone? Shelfies.

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What has four wheels and flies? A rubbish bin!

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Did you hear about the Omaha mother who got tired of putting name tags on her son's shirts, so she had his name legally changed to "Machine Washable"?

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