Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A: To get away from the noise.

Do you know how a suicide wank works? You just shoot yourself in the face!

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What has everyone been doing at Apple since the problems with the latest iPhone started? Looking for Jobs.

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When is a dog most impolite? When he points.

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Zack and Tybe, two Alabama farm boys, bought themselves a truckload of watermelons for a buck apiece. They sold each one for a dollar. After counting up their cash, they realized they'd wound up with the same amount of money they'd started out with. "See!" said Tybe. "Ah told yew we shoulda got a bigger truck!"

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Q: What do you get when a cow gets stuck in an earthquake? A: A milk shake!

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Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A: They don't have balls to scratch.

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What does a blonde make for dinner? Reservations.

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When my pet goldfish died my parents thought it would be a great idea to replace it with a hamster... Poor little guy drowned in seconds..

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Q: Why did the blonde get so excited when she finished the jigsaw puzzle after only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said: From 2-4 years.

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Why do blondes hate M&Ms? They're too hard to peel.

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Q: What did the boy vampire say to the girl vampire? A: See you next period.

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A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?" "I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob. "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

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What is worse than a dog howling at the moon? Two dogs howling at the moon.

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How do you know if you have a tough mosquito? You slap him and he slaps you back!

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Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital! Nurse: What is it? Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now.

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How can you tell if a woman is faking an orgasm? Who cares...

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I know I don’t have a chance, but I just wanted to hear an angel talk.

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Why did the arsonist go to the gym? To burn some calories.

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Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A: Wiped his ass.

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What's the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.

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Always remember that you're someone's reason to smile.. Because you are a joke.

Q: What did one flea say to the other flea when they came out of the movies? A: Should we walk home or take a dog?

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Meeting in Central Park, a huge boxer stopped and wagged his tail in friendly greeting to a Russian wolfhound. "How do you like America?" he asked. "Well, it's different from my homeland," said the wolfhound. "In Russia I eat bones dipped in vodka and caviar. In Russia I have my own doghouse made of rare Siberian wood. In Russia I sleep on a rug made of thick warm ermine." "Then why did you come to America?" "I like to bark once in a while."

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Q: What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A: He is usually home with the kids!

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Why are cats such good singers? Because they're very mewsical.

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What position is the best for a Chihuahua to play in baseball? Shortstop!

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Q: What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies? A: Bingo!

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What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? reading'>Proofreading.

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What is a myth? A female moth!

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What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? He stole the show!

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