Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown. Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

IRS Agent: What's all this? Bracken: Well, you told me to bring all my records with me and I did. Here's some by Willie'>Willie Nelson, Tammy Wynette, and Garth Brooks . . .

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Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually exited? A: He's breathing.

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What do you say when you find two banana peels together? Answer: A pair of slipper

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What do you give an elephant with big feet ? Plenty of room!

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Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

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What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad? Star Warts!

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What's a mouse's favorite record? Please cheese me!

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What did the blind man say when he walked into the fish market? "Good moooorninging ladies!"

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A boy asks his mom: "Why is my skin so much darker than yours and Dad's?" ... she says: "That was a pretty wild orgy, be glad you don't bark"

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What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger? A big mac.

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Fred: Did you hear about the Irish window cleaner who put a sign at the top of his ladder? Harry: What did the sign say? Fred: Stop.

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How long are a puppy's legs? Long enough to reach the ground.

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Why didn't the German shepherd bark when the robber broke into the house? It had laryngitis!

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Why is everything in your home damaged? My dog is in the middle of being house-broken!

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What do you call an alcoholic dog? A whino!

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Q: Why do men like love at first site? A: It saves them a lot of time.

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One of the cooler things you can do when you die is be buried with an elephant bone, just to confuse future archaeologists.

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There were 11 people holding onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off." After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.

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What's drier than toast without butter? My sense of humor.

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Can you pull this heart-shaped arrow out of my ass? A damn little kid with wings shot me.

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How do you make a dog go "meow"? Take it out of the freezer and run it through a bandsaw.

"Doctor. Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodworm." "How boring for you!"

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Q: How many absurdist/surrealist comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: November.

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Q: What's the difference between light and hard? A: You can sleep with a light on.

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A Hollywood theatrical agent tells about the blonde who took her dog to the vet. He advised her to buy some Nair and remove the excess hair around the Schnauzer's eyes and ears. The blonde entered a pharmacy and asked for the hair remover. "Use it full strength for leg hair," said the druggist, "but dilute it one half for underarms." "Oh," said the girl, "but I want to use it on my Schnauzer." "In that case," said the pharmacist, "you'd better use one quarter strength and I wouldn't ride a Honda for a couple of weeks."

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Why did the dachshund bite the woman's ankle? Because he was short and couldn't reach any higher!

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How can you open a banana? With a monkey!

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A woman had her dog neutered because she was told it would curb the animal's aggression. But the next day it savaged the postman. "I'm so sorry," she said, rushing to the man's aid. "I was told he'd stop attacking people if I had him neutered." "Lady," said the postman, picking himself off the ground, "you should have had his teeth pulled. I knew when he came out the door he wasn't going to make love to me."

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An elephant asks a camel: "Why are your breasts on your back?" "Well," says the camel, "I think that's a strange question from somebody whose dick is on his face."

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One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her, "My boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentines day this year so I guess I have to put my legs in the air for him.", and her friend replied, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

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