A Geography teacher stands in front of a map of the world. Geography Teacher: Tony, can you tell me where in the world America is placed on this map? Tony shows him America. Geography Teacher: Now, Lisa, can you tell me the name of the guy who discovered America? Lisa: Tony did!

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.

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Why do cats chase birds? For a lark!

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What does a cat call a bowlful of mice? A purrr-fect meal!

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You must be going to hell, because it is a sin to look that good.

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How do fireflies start a race? Ready'>Ready steady glow!

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Why did the arsonist go to the gym? To burn some calories.

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A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor I'm hurting all over my body." "That's odd", replied the doctor, "Show me what you mean" So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on. The doctor says, "You're not a natural brunette are you?" "No I'm a blonde", she replies. "I thought so.... your finger is broken.", replies the doctor.

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Why don't girls have beards? It's in their jeans...

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What did the maggot say to his friend when he got stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one!

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Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A: A widow.

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I was trying to form a club for eunuchs at my high school... But there weren't enough members.

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If your clock strikes 13, what time is it? Time to fix your clock.

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Q: Why can't Chinese Barbecue? A: Because the rice falls through the grill

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What's a dog favourite hobby? Collecting fleas!

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What do you call a blonde with a whole rain'>brain? A Golden Retriever.

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Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 rain'>brain cells? A: Pregnant

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Why do divers fall backwards from boats? Because if they fell forward they'd still be in it!

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Why didn't the dog speak to his foot? Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw!

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Didn't I see you on the cover of Vogue?

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There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig. The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!" The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"

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If you want an adrenaline rush, you should go camping... It's in tents.

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Where do Eskimos train their dogs? In the mush room!

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When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. "Nothing special," he explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."

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Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.

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Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope.

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Teacher: "Name six wild animals" Pupil: "Four elephants and two lions!"

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Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was some money in the kitty!

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On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a coke, you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another coke dogface!" Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!" The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you've got some guts!"

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What would you call a cat that likes to dig on the beach? Sandy Claws.

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How many letters are in the alphabet during the Christmas Season? Only 25...because there's Noel.

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