A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?" "I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob. "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

If it looks like a fish and smells like a fish... Shes's probably too old for you.

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Why did the idiot drive his pickup truck over the side of the cliff? He wanted to try out his new air brakes.

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What do you get if you cross a firefly and a moth? An insect who can find its way around a dark wardrobe!

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Why does a dog wag it's tail? A: No one else will do it for them

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Q: What side of the dog has the most fur? A: The Outside.

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Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your door? A: The knocking always speeds up.

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What's a toads favorite sweet? Lollihops!

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What should you know before you teach your puppy a new trick? You should know more than your puppy!

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Q: Why do bikes have kick-stands? A: Because they're two-tired.

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What is the best way to follow a lost dog's paw prints? With a track-tor!

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What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!

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Q: What kind of witch goes to the beach? A: Sandwitch

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Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually exited? A: He's breathing.

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Q: What did the football say to the football player? A: I get a kick out of you.

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Q: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? A: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

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A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning. The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary. "And what day will that be?" the clerk asked. Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".

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Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name. "Yeah teach?" he replies. "If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher. Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off." "No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds. "Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?" The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream." Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

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What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer? Light ale!

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A horse walks into a bar, he sits down and the bartender asks him, "Why the long face?" The second horse walks in with jumper cables attached to it's head, he sits down, and the bartender says, "I don't mind the long face, but don't u go and try to start anything!"

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Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

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Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill blonde appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance? "The lady replied, "My phone doesn't have an eleven!"

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Why are Chihuahuas such good bedtime storytellers? They have short tales!

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If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.

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Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP

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The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

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As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober!"

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What do you do if your dog eats your pen? Use a pencil instead!

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Why do lobsters make bad lovers? They're shellfish in bed.

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Where did the Chihuahua sign its contract for its TV commercials? On the bottom!

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Q: How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex? A: Call her and tell her.

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