Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully, the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

What did the spider say when he broke his new web? Darn it!

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What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!

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What is the best kind of dog to direct traffic at a busy intersection? A pointer!

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What do Filipinos call Canada? Upper U.S. Did you hear about the Irishman who tried to swim the English channel? Halfway across he decided he couldn't make it so he swam back.

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Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them!

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Defendant: Your Honor, I want you to appoint me another lawyer. Judge: And why is that? Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case. Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion? Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

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Where does a Rottweiller sit in the cinema? Anywhere it wants to!

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There was a blonde a redhead and a brunette. They all decided to go to the bar and they got fake ids cause they were underage. So they go in and the bartender knows they are underage so he call the cops. The readhead informs the girls that the bartender has called the cops and they have to leave. So they go out the back door and they see this barn. They go inside and the redhead notices 3 potato sacks on the floor. See tells the girls to each hide in a potato sack. Then the police arrive in the bar, and the bartender takes them out back to look around. They go into the barn and look everywhere. One cop says "They might be in those potato sacks". So he kicks the first one containing the redhead and hears "woof woof". "That's a dog" he thinks to himself. He kicks the second bag containing the brunette and hears "Meow, meow" "Well that must be a cat" he thinks. Finally, he kicks the last bag containing the blonde and hears in a slow voice "po...ta...to...es!

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Every time I tell my English Setter to stop barking, it never does! What does it do? It just stands on its back two legs and quotes Shakespeare! What? Yeah, it says, "To bark or not to bark that is the question!" and keeps on barking!

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What did the blonde say when she dropped the priceless Ming vase? "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

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How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.

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Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing?" He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear." The first guy says, "I don"'t have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."

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What kind of dog does a vampire prefer? Any kind of bloodhound!

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An elderly woman rushed up the stairs to the church, late for the wedding. An usher asked to see her invitation. "I don't have one," she said. "Well then, are you a friend of the groom?" "I should say not," snapped the woman, "I'm the bride's mother!"

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Q: Why isn't gambling allowed in Africa? A: Because of all the cheetahs.

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What's drier than toast without butter? My sense of humor.

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Q2: What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles

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Little Michael had been afraid of dogs all his life. He would go far out of his way to avoid even a sleeping puppy. One day out walking with his mother, he refused to walk past a big dog standing on the corner. "But you shouldn't be afraid," his mother scolded. "Well," he replied, "you'd be afraid, too, if you were as low down as I am."

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German tourist crosses Polish border. Border guards ask him: Name? Hans. Surname? Schmidt. Occupation? No, just traveling.

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A drunk stumbles into a confessional. The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest knocks on the wall. The drunk says, "Forget it, buddy, there's no paper in this one, either!"

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Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence. "You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer. "All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."

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How does an idiot call for his dog? He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.

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What do tight pants and a cheap hotel have in common? No ballroom.

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A man was stopped at a red light when a fantastic looking blonde pulled up beside him in a really hot Mustang convertible. Trying to start a conversation, the man asked, "Hey,..... how many horses you got under the hood?" The blonde looked at the man bewildered, and replied, "Well,.... there's one on the left side, one on the right side, ....... and oh yeah, there's one on that little front thingy."

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Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything! Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem? Patient: What problem?

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Walking down the street, a man passes a house and notices a little boy trying to reach the doorbell. No matter how much the little guy stretches, he can't make it. The man calls out, "Let me get that for you," and he bounds onto the porch to ring the bell." Thanks, mister," says the kid. "Now let's run!"

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When my pet goldfish died my parents thought it would be a great idea to replace it with a hamster... Poor little guy drowned in seconds..

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Where would you put an injured insect? In an antbulance!

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How does a leopard change its spots? When it gets tired of one spot it just moves to another!

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Why did the fly fly? Because the spider spied 'er!

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