A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me." The captain looked at her, "Are you sure lady? This is the Staten Island Ferry."

(Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.

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A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight." He says, "Why's that?" She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes."

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Why are Albanians given only a half hour for lunch? They don't want to have to retrain them.

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Morton walked into a department store and asked the floor walker to hold his dog for a minute. When he returned the floor walker was kicking the poor little pup. "Why are you kicking that defenseless dog?" Morton asked. "Why shouldn't I?" said the floor walker. "He lifted up his leg like he was going to kick me!"

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Who is the dogs favourite comedian? Growlcho Marx!

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(Guns & Roses' "Civil War":) What we've got here is... Failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach... I don't like it any more than you do.

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This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious."

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A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...." "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

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Always remember that you're someone's reason to smile.. Because you are a joke.

Q: What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating? A: Finding half a worm.

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Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.

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Why did the firefly keep stealing things? He was light fingered!

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What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid!

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Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies) "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled... isn't she adorable?" Friend: "But your kid didn't smile." Father: "I was talking about the nurse."

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Q: Why do Greek men wear gold neck chains? A: So they know where to stop shaving.

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What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? Change.

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Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness. The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!" The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!" Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."

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What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? "Dam."

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Why is everything in your home damaged? My dog is in the middle of being house-broken!

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Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? A: To win the no-bell prize.

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A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

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A young boy asked is father, "Dad, do lawyers ever tell the truth?" The father thought for a moment, "Yes son, sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case!"

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A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."

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Q: Where does Napolean keep his armies? A: In his sleevies!

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Hatton: I ain't as dumb as I look! Folsom: You couldn't be!

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If you want an adrenaline rush, you should go camping... It's in tents.

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A farmer hires a college student one summer to help around the farm. At the end of the summer the farmer says, "Son, since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you." The college guy says, "Right on, thanks a lot man." So the farmer says, "Well you better be able to handle a few beers because there will be lotsa drinkn' going on." College guy "Hey, I can drink just as much as anyone else so I should do just fine." Farmer "There is also going to be a lot of fightn' so I hope you are ready." College guy "I have been working hard all summer and I think I am in pretty good shape." Farmer says, "Well, did I mention that there will be lotsa sex?" College guy "Good. I have been out here all summer and I have been dying for some action. What should I wear to this party?" Farmer says, "I don't care it's just going to be me and you."

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Q: What did one tornado say to the other? A: "Let's twist again, like we did last summer..."

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If at first you don't succeed... then skydiving is NOT for you.

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Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them!

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