A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, "Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!" She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I'm sorry, I think he's too far in."

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further, but the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" "I'm lost," says the man, "and I need the cat to give me directions home."

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One day I went over to my neighbors house. She was a blonde and for some reason she was mad at the world. She was in the bathroom and the door was locked. I said, "Come on, you know you don't want to do this!" She said, "I do wanna do this, nobody wants me alive anyways." For some reason I actually beleived her and pushed through the door. She had a rope tied to her ankles. I asked "Aren't you trying to hang yourself?" "Yes, whats your point?" "Well, usually when people hang themselves they tie the rope around their necks" "Yeah well, I tried that, But then I couldn't breathe."

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Dad, Mum is fighting with an enormous elephant in the garden! "Don't worry dear, I'm sure the elephant can look after itself!"

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Why did the arsonist go to the gym? To burn some calories.

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Boy: My dog hasn't got a nose. Girl: How does he smell? Boy: Awful!

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What do you call a blonde with a rain'>brain cell? Gifted.

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Winslow walked into the saloon and asked for a double bourbon. Suddenly he looked up and realized that tending bar, apron and all, was a large dog. "What's the matter," asked the canine, "haven't you ever seen a dog tending bar before?" "Oh, it's not that," said Winslow. "What happened to the horse? Did he sell the joint to you?

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Did you hear about the village idiot buying bird seed? He said he wanted to grow some birds.

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What is the difference between a good Lawyer and a great Lawyer? Answer: A good Lawyer knows the law and a great Lawyer knows the Judge!

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You look like an angel. Welcome to Earth.

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An elderly German sat before the fire and in a reflective moment spoke to his dog: "You iss only a dog, but I vish I vas you. Ven you go your bed in, you shust turn round dree times and lie down; ven I go de bed in, I haf to lock up de blace, and vind up de clock, and put out de cat, and undress myself, and my vife vakes up and scolds, and den de baby vakes and cries and I haf to valk him de house around, and den maybe I get myself to bed in time to get up again. "Ven you get up you shust stretch yourself, dig your neck a little, and you vas up. I haf to light de fire, put on de kiddle, scrap some vit my vif e, and get myself breakfast. You be lays round all day and haf blenty of fun. I haf to work all day and haf blenty of drubble. Ven you die, you vas dead; ven I die, I haf to go somewhere again."

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Q: What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college? A: "Would you like fries with that?"

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Why is a dog like a baseball player? He runs for home when he sees the catcher coming.

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A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.

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What do you get if cross a mouse with a packet of washing up powder? Bubble and squeak!

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What do you call a litter of young dogs who have come in from the snow? Slush puppies!

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An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality. "If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?" "I'd have to say the living one."

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Q: Where does Napolean keep his armies? A: In his sleevies!

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Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas? A: Highway 55.

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Why is it called a "litter" of puppies? Because they mess up the whole house!

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Wanna see an ass-trick? Here --> *

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Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone ... more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.

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What kind of dog is very scary on Halloween? A ghouldog!

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Who ate all the cookies? 5-year-old: Ninjas. Me: I didn't see them. 5-year-old: No one ever does. Checkmate.

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What do you call a blood vessel with a carrot jammed into it? A carroted artery.

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What is the difference between school dinners and a pile of slugs? School dinners come on a plate!

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What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!

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An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy. The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

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Why did the cat sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!

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Then there was the Puerto Rican surgeon who made medical history. He performed the first appendix transplant.

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