Do you know what Rodeo Sex is? It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!

Would you rather have a 300-pound dog chase you or a tiger? I'd rather have him chase the tiger.

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What did the woodworm say to the chair? It's been nice gnawing you!

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I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"

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Q: Why did the Navy switch to liquid soap? A: It's harder to pick up.

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An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook'>Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

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Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist? A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

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What is worse than a dog howling at the moon? Two dogs howling at the moon.

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Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!

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Why don't blondes like pickles? They keep getting their head stuck in the jar.

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What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? A: Will the defendant please rise.

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Q: What do you call a smart blond? A: A golden retriever!

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Q: What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A: He is usually home with the kids!

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Stop putting famous names at the end of random quotes. Bob Marley

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What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!

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The little boy asked his dad one evening, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" "I don't know, son," he said. "I'm still paying for it."

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People tell me sharing is caring. Good thing I don't care.

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What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid!

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Q: What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? A: Anything you want. He can't hear you.

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Walking down the street, a man passes a house and notices a little boy trying to reach the doorbell. No matter how much the little guy stretches, he can't make it. The man calls out, "Let me get that for you," and he bounds onto the porch to ring the bell." Thanks, mister," says the kid. "Now let's run!"

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I know a guy who survived an 8000-foot fall out of a plane. Until he hit the ground.

What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend? He wipes

Mrs. Quinlan and her neighbour Mrs. Groat were chatting about their teenagers. "Is your son hard to get out of bed in the morning?" asked Mrs. Quinlan. "No," replied Mrs. Groat. "I just open the door and throw the cat on his bed." "How does that wake him?" "He sleeps with the dog."

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What do UFOs and smart blondes have in common? You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

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Q: What do you get if put a blonde upside down? A: A brunette with a bad breath.

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Camper: "Look at that bunch of cows." Farmer: "Not bunch, herd." Camper: "Heard what?" Farmer: "Of cows." Camper: "Sure I've heard of cows." Farmer: "No, I mean a cowherd." Camper: "So what? I have no secrets from cows!"

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How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in her ear.

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What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? Change.

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What's the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.

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This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious."

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When someone tells you to expect the unexpected, slap them and ask if they expected it!

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