This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head. He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

She's so stupid she thinks a shoplifter is a very strong person who goes round picking up shops.

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Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.

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Silsby opened the refrigerator and found his dog sitting inside. "What are you doing here?" he said. "Isn't this a Westinghouse?" asked the dog. "Yes." "Well, I'm westing."

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"Pinch me." "Why?" "You're so fine I must be dreaming."

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Where do you usually find puppys? It all depends on where you lose them.

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Why did the zombie not eat your rain'>brain? Because he doesn't eat junk food.

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Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

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Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: Sure, buddy. Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: No, SIR!

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Guys my calendar is really sick... I think its days are numbered.

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Gary was practicing his violin lesson in the house, while out on the porch his younger sister Lynne was playing with the dog. As the boy scraped away on his fiddle, the hound howled dismally. Lynne stood it as long as she could, then she poked her head in the open window and said, "For goodness sake, Gary, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"

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What's the hardest part of milking a mouse? Getting it to fit over a bucket!

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Q: How do you sink a polish battleship? A: Put it in water!

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What should you do if a monster runs through your front door? Run through the back door.

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WARNING! If you get an e-mail with the title of "Nude Photo of Joe Biden" DO NOT OPEN IT! It IS a nude photo of Joe Biden.

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Why was the Chihuahua glad it wasn't an eagle? It can't fly!

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A blonde is working as a lifeguard at a swimming pool when a girl begins to drown, screaming "lifesaver! lifesaver!" The blonde thinks for a moment, and then asks "cherry or grape?"

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Alsation: What did you do in art class today? Chihuahua: Panting on paper!

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Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist? A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

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Why doesn't a dog ever have a nose 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

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What is a dogs favourite flower? Anything in your garden!

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Why did the dog have a gleam in his eye? Someone bumped his elbow while he was brushing his teeth.

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Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

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(Guns & Roses' "Civil War":) What we've got here is... Failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach... I don't like it any more than you do.

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Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me.. the whole world hates me!" Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

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Q: Why do Greek men wear gold neck chains? A: So they know where to stop shaving.

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A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, "What the hell was that all about?"

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Why are you late? Student: Because of the sign on the road. Teacher: What type of sign? Student: The sign that says, School Ahead, Go Slow.

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A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

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What do you call a bug that bothers dogs on Halloween? A trick-or-fleat!

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When is a dog most impolite? When he points.

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