Q: What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A: He is usually home with the kids!

Q: Why is a dog scared of a fire? A: It doesn't want to become a hot dog.

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What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You can step in a poodle!

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Can you read Chinese? "Yes, but only when it's printed in English."

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What's drier than toast without butter? My sense of humor.

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Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you? That depends on whether you're a man or a mouse.

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Q: What do a hurricane, a tornado, and a redneck divorce all have in common? A: Someone's going to lose their trailer...

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Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? A: To win the no-bell prize.

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Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes: "Why?"

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If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple "Thank you" is all I need! Not all this "How did you get in my house?" business'>business!

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What do you call a big irish spider? Paddy long legs!

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Julie the blonde was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighbourhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy-woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for ya. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, uh, how much do you want?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks OK?" Julie asked. "Yeah that's great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 15 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way, "said Julie, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

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Why couldn't the Chihuahua play basketball? Because its basketball shoes were in the wash and a tennis player needed the ball!

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Did you hear about the 25 Irish people that drowned? They were riverdancing.

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What is a cat's favorite movie? "The Sound of Mewsic."

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What do you call a literary fish? Salmon Rushdie!

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What makes a glow worm glow? A light meal!

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What's worse than finding cum stains in your son's underwear? Finding cum stains in the back of the underwear.

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There was a brunette standing along side a busy road chanting "88, 88, 88, 88..." A blonde came up to her and said, "That looks like fun, can I try?" The brunette said, "Sure." So the blonde chanted, "88, 88, 88, 88.." "Well," said the brunette, "that is fun. But what is even more fun is if you say it in the middle of the street." So the blonde said, "OK." and stood in the middle of the street. "88, 88, 88, 88-" BAM! she was run over by a car, completely flattened. Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant, "89, 89, 89, 89..."

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Q: Why are married women heavier than single women? A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed, and they go to the fridge.

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What do Greek soccer players wear? Soccer tee's

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What do you call a cat that sucks on lemons? A sour puss!

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What are the worst six years in a blonde's life? Third Grade.

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Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.

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The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

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What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? A: Will the defendant please rise.

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(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...

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What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common? Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth!

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Zack and Tybe, two Alabama farm boys, bought themselves a truckload of watermelons for a buck apiece. They sold each one for a dollar. After counting up their cash, they realized they'd wound up with the same amount of money they'd started out with. "See!" said Tybe. "Ah told yew we shoulda got a bigger truck!"

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Who's killed more natives than General Custer? Jack Daniels

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Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

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