Are you an interior decorator? When I saw you the room became beautiful.

How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures? They never cry over spilt milk!

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This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep. A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

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What’s green and can jump a mile a minute? A frog with hiccups!

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Q: Why did the gorilla fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead.

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What's the difference between a blonde and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

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How does a blonde get hurt raking leaves? She falls out of the tree!

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Q: How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry? A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she's old enough. If it isn't, cut the barrel down a bit.

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How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!

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My sister wanted to marry a man clever enough to make a lot of money but dumb enough to spend it on her!

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Why didn't the female frog lay eggs? Because her husband spawned her affections!

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Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully, the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

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What drinks milk, meows, and has eight legs? An octo-puss!

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The kennel owner saw a chance to make a quick sale to the nouveau riche dowager. "Madam," he said, "I have a wonderful buy for you. Look at this magnificent thoroughbred bloodhound." "How do I know it's a,real bloodhound?" she asked doubtfully. "Courtney," said the kennel owner quickly, "bleed for the lady."

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How do you say "Chihuahua" in Spanish? Chihuahua!

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What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot

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What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese? He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath!

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What squeaks as it solves crimes? Miami mice!

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I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

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Why are Chihuahuas such good bedtime storytellers? They have short tales!

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What is the difference between a barking dog and an umbrella? The umbrella can be shut up.

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Cosgrove tried to convince a talent agent that his dog Rector could talk. "What covers a house?" asked the trainer. Rector replied, "Roof!" "And what is the opposite of smooth?" asked Cosgrove. "R-r-rough!" said the dog. "Who was the Sultan of Swat?" "R-r-r-Ruth!" answered the animal. Whereupon the agent threw Cosgrove and the dog out of his office and stood glowering at them in the doorway. The dog looked up at him and said, "Could it have been DiMaggio?"

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito? A mosquito drops off you when you die!

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What did the spider say to the fly? We're getting married do you want to come to the webbing?

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Who rode a dog and was a confederate general during the American Civil War? Robert E Flea!

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How does a Chihuahua hide in the desert? It uses camel-flage!

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Why are spiders like tops? They are always spinning!

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Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

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Two blondes came into a bar, sat down, and ordered drinks. They were making merry in a serious way and it was obvious to the bartender that they were celebrating something big. His curiosity finally got the better of him and he says " I hate to be nosy, but it's obvious that you two are celebrating something big. What's the occasion" One blonde replies "Well, we are just sooo proud of ourselves, because we just finished - just the two of us alone - a 50 piece jigsaw puzzle in only 3 days." Confused, the bartender says "So?", to which the other blonde says "Well, on the box it says 3 - 5 years"

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Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours? A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

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An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook'>Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

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