Please do not be alarmed if a big man wearing a red suit picks you up and throws you into a bag. (Why?) Because I asked for you for Christmas.

What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? Change.

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What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry? A hoppercraft!

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Jerry and Sam were walking home from the bar one evening. Jerry points across the street and says "Look at that dog over there, licking his balls" Sam says "Yeah, I see it" Jerry tells him "I wish I could do that" Sam tells him "Well, give him a bone, and make a fuss of him, and he might let you."

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Q: What can you make from baked beans and onions? A: Tear gas.

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What do you get when you cross an elephant with a cat? A big furry creature that purrs while it sits on your lap and squashes you.

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It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside...

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What is your favorite color? (Answer) Mine too!

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Q: How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist? A: A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

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What kind of dog is very scary on Halloween? A ghouldog!

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Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

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Is it hot in here or is it just you?

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A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!""Is this her first child?" the doctor queries."No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

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What did the dog say after a hard day at work ? Today sure was ruff

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What is the best kind of dog to ask for directions? A Chihuahua, because it knows all the shortcuts!

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Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? A: Shoot him again.

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What is the name of the unauthorized autobiography of the cat? Hiss and Tell.

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Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you? A: They get elected.

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Q: What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine? A: You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.

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Maggie, a dog who had worked with police investigation team, applied for vacancy in the FBI. He went and met the HR. The HR said, "You'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute." Maggie sat on the typewriter and typed 80 words per minute. Then HR asked "you must pass a physical test and complete the obstacle course." Again, Maggie did well in the round. Then HR asked, there's one last requirement," "you must be bilingual." With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

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Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A: A cherry float.

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Q: Do you know why Iraq's navy has glass bottomed ships? A: So the sailors can see their air force!

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Where does a cat go when it loses its tail? The retail store.

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What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog wearing your favourite tie? Go see a doctor. You have been seeing too many 500-pound dogs lately.

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What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!

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The more complex the handshake, the less complex the individual.

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Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards? A: A new age song.

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How do you call a prison inmate? With a cell phone.

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This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious."

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Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking "Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?"

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What is a collie puppy's favorite toy? A chew-chew train!

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