This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

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How do fireflies start a race? Ready'>Ready steady glow!

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What is green, barks, and carries a torch? The statue of Chihuahua!

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The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

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I think it's pretty cool Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.

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Q: What do you get when you put a bomb and a dinosaur together? A: Dino-mite.

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Did you hear about the dumb father who returned from lunch and saw a sign on his door, "Back in 30 minutes," so he sat down to wait for himself?

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Me: "Mom and Dad, I've decided to live on my own from now on." Parents: "Ok, cool." Me: "Your luggage is outside..."

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What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison.

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A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."

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Q: When is a strange dog most likely to go into your house? A: When the door is open.

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Q: What's the difference between a road-killed deer and a road-killed lawyer? A: There's skid marks in front of the deer!

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What is the dogs favourite city? New Yorkie!

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Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you. (Caller thinks that he/she accidentally dialed long distance.

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What is brown and gray, has eight legs, and is carrying a large trunk and a small trunk? A Chihuahua on cation'>vacation with an elephant.

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Alsation: Where do you go to practice your singing? Chihuahua: The barking lot!

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Which side of a cat has more hair? The outside, of course!

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On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing. "Whatya do that fer?" he asked." Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied. The old man asked, "Does that help?" The cowboy said, "No, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

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Q: Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals look out the window in the morning? A: So they have something to do in the afternoon.

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Q: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? A: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

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Q: What's the quickest way to a woman's heart? A: Straight through the rib cage.

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There are 10 types of people in the world! Those that can count and those that can't.

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The farmer's collie had just died. He was bemoaning his loss when a little cocker spaniel walked up to him and said, "I heard your collie is dead. How about giving me a job?" "You!" gasped the farmer. "How could a little fellow like you take the place of my big dog?" "I'll show you." He leaped into the driver's seat of the tractor, operated the machine perfectly, turned off the ignition, trotted over to the stable, and milked three cows. "How's that?" he asked the farmer. "Very good," the farmer said, "but let me see how you shuck corn." "Hold it!" exclaimed the cocker spaniel. "Who ever heard of a dog that could shuck corn"

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I've decided to start my own herb garden. I've got a lot of extra Thyme.

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Hey, where did your smile go? (Check back pocket) Here it is!

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A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head. Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..." The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"

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A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand." "Okay," says the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert." "Thanks Mom," replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??" His mother replies impatiently, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert." "That's great Mom. So we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes, and these humps to store water, but Mom..." "Yes, son?" "Do we really need all of these in the zoo?"

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Little Alan pointed to two dogs in the park and asked his father what they were doing. "They're making puppies, son," he explained. That night, the boy wandered into his parent's room while they were making love. Asked what they were doing, the father replied, "We're making you a baby brother." "Gee, Pop," pleaded the boy. "I'd rather have a puppy."

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The little boy asked his dad one evening, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" "I don't know, son," he said. "I'm still paying for it."

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A group of people were yelling at me in the movie theater. It got so loud I had to take my phone call outside.

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