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Q: What did King Tut say to the museum? A: I want my mummy!

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Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

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What happened when the chef found a daddy long legs in the salad? It became a daddy short legs!

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Q: What's worse than raining buckets? A: Hailing taxis!

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What has 8 legs and likes living in trees? Four anti road protesters!

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I'm only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

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What happened to the dog that fell into a lens-grinding machine? He made a spectacle of himself.

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Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969." The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

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Why shouldn't blondes be given a coffee break? It takes too long to retrain them.

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Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.

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Q: What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine? A: You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.

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A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry hou

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A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which horse was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black horse.

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There's a reason why "sober" and "so bored" sound almost exactly the same.

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How did the hipster burn his tongue ? cos he drank he coffee before it was cool...

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Q: How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? A: Tea Rex?

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What do you call a loving cat bite? Cat nip!

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A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."

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How does a cat sing scales? Do-ri-me-ow!

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A blonde goes horse back riding. It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop. The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins. The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down. She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes and unplugs it.

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A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand." "Okay," says the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert." "Thanks Mom," replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??" His mother replies impatiently, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert." "That's great Mom. So we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes, and these humps to store water, but Mom..." "Yes, son?" "Do we really need all of these in the zoo?"

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Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left it!

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A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and says "Hey bartender give me a beer". The bartender says - "I'm sorry we don't serve food here".

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The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?!" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast!"

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If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx?

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What's happening when you hear "woof... splat... meow... splat?" It's raining cats and dogs.

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Is it hot in here or is it just you?

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Q: What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies? A: Bingo!

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Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea. "I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous." "My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit." "How?" "I hid his teeth."

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How did your Chihuahua break its leg? I dropped some dog food on it by accident. But that couldn't have broken its leg. The dog food was still in the can!

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