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Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you? That depends on whether you're a man or a mouse.

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Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What'cha doing, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your dumb cat."

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What's a nice boy/girl like you doing in a place like this?

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Why is the cat so grouchy? Because he's in a bad mewd.

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Hobson had been seeing a headshrinker for some months because he thought he was a poodle. One day a friend stopped him and asked, "How's the treatment going?" "Well," said Hobson, "I can't say I'm cured yet, but I've made some progress. My psychiatrist has stopped me from chasing cars."

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Wyatt, Milford and Calhoun were standing one on top of the other trying to measure a flag pole. A man passing by yelled up to them, "Why don't you guys just take down the pole, lay it down on the ground and measure it?" "We don't wanna measure the length, mister!" Wyatt sneered. "We wanna measure the height!"

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One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?

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What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? Bigfoot has been spotted.

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Can a cat play patty-cake? Pawsibly!

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I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.

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When I open my eyes every morning I pray to God that everyone should have a friend like you... Why should only I suffer!

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When is a black dog not a black dog? When it's a greyhound!

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A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang. "Who is it?" "Blind man," came the response. Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door. The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, "Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?"

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We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

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Q: How do u get 4 gay men to sit on 1 stool? A: You turn it over!

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Q: What do cats like to eat on a hot day? A: Mice cream

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What do you call a guy that hangs around with musicians? A drummer.

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Mrs. Johnson phoned the plummer because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large doberman inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!" Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts. As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!" To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

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A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2 x 2?" The housewife replies: "Four!". The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time. "The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

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If at first you don't succeed... then skydiving is NOT for you.

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This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious."

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They say that money can't buy you happiness, but being broke buys you nothing...

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I made a band called Erectile Dysfunction. We never made it big.

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What do mice do when they're at home? Mousework!

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Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

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Why are cats such good singers? Because they're very mewsical.

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If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat? None! They were copy cats.

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A man was stopped at a red light when a fantastic looking blonde pulled up beside him in a really hot Mustang convertible. Trying to start a conversation, the man asked, "Hey,..... how many horses you got under the hood?" The blonde looked at the man bewildered, and replied, "Well,.... there's one on the left side, one on the right side, ....... and oh yeah, there's one on that little front thingy."

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A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor..."I feel real good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum." "You mean you gave a bum five dollars? That's a lot of money to give away like that. What did you husband say about it?" "Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said, "Thanks."

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Q: How did the Polish mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on? A: Yellow in the front, brown in the back!

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