Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.

A woman strode angrily into the large drug-store-cum-general-store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?" The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for 'cats'?"

More Pictures

                       

Alsation: How did you find the fleas? Beagle: I didn't! They found me!

More Pictures

                       

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?" Kathy takes a sniff and replies, "That is nice. What's it called?" "Viens a moi," replies Nancy. "Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?" At this stage the store clerk offers some help., "Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French." Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, "That doesn't smell like cum to me. Does that smell like cum to you?"

More Pictures

                       

Freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door

More Pictures

                       

Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas? A: Highway 55.

More Pictures

                       

A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man playing chess with his cat. She says to the man "I can't believe what I'm seeing, a cat that plays chess, what a clever animal!" The man replied "No lady, this cat is not clever at all. I'm beating it 6 g

More Pictures

                       

Q: What do you get when you put a bomb and a dinosaur together? A: Dino-mite.

More Pictures

                       

Q: What do you call a Marine with an IQ of 160? A: Platoon

More Pictures

                       

What do you say to your cat when you go out? Have a mice day!

More Pictures

                       

He is so dumb, he thinks an agent is someone who keeps track of your age!

More Pictures

                       

I have finally discovered what's wrong with my rain'>brain: on the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left..

More Pictures

                       

How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!

More Pictures

                       

Q: How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? A: Tea Rex?

More Pictures

                       

What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? A: Will the defendant please rise.

More Pictures

                       

Every time I tell my English Setter to stop barking, it never does! What does it do? It just stands on its back two legs and quotes Shakespeare! What? Yeah, it says, "To bark or not to bark that is the question!" and keeps on barking!

More Pictures

                       

Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So... Leave your name and number and tell us where You saw Elvis!

More Pictures

                       

What do you get if you cross a spider and an elephant? I'm not sure, but if you see one walking across the ceiling then run before it collapses!

More Pictures

                       

Two donkeys were talking about their owners. The first one said, "My owner is so harassing, he beats me often." Second donkey: Why do not you leave your owner? First donkey: I was thinking about the same. But, he has a very good looking daughter. And, whenever she does some mischievous acts, he says that he will get her married to some donkey! And, I am just waiting for that to happen.

More Pictures

                       

A hungry dog went walking into a grocery store.The grocer tossed a frankfurter to Fido on the floor. He said, "Now doggie, eat it." Said Fido, "I decline, in that sausage is an old sweetheart of mine"

More Pictures

                       

How did cows feel when the branding iron was invented? They were very impressed!

More Pictures

                       

Q: How do you get a dog to stop barking in the back seat of a car? A: Put him in the front seat.

More Pictures

                       

Q: Do you know why Iraq's navy has glass bottomed ships? A: So the sailors can see their air force!

More Pictures

                       

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried. After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem. Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outboard was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

More Pictures

                       

What hurts? When a man with a boner runs against a wall. And what is embarrassing? When his nose touches the wall first.

More Pictures

                       

Why was the frog down in the mouth? He was un hoppy!

More Pictures

                       

What has 2 legs and bleeds? Half a dog.

More Pictures

                       

Why did the cat put oil on the mouse? Because it squeaked.

More Pictures

                       

One August morning, farmer Hoskins started to town with horse and wagon. Half-way in, the horse stopped, turned his head, and said, "Sakes alive, but it's hot." The amazed farmer turned to his dog riding beside him and asked, "Did you hear what I heard?" "Yeah," said the dog, "but he's like every one else; always talking about the weather and never doing anything about it."

More Pictures

                       

Q: How do men exercise on the beach? A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

More Pictures

                       

A blonde goes into a library and cheerfully says, "Hi! I'm here to see the doctor!" In a stern, but hushed voice, the librarian says, "Miss, this is a library." So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor."

More Pictures