Q: How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A: You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

I'm dating an x-ray technician... But I don't know what she sees in me.

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A tramp was scrounging for food near a farm when a watchful bulldog clamped his jaws on the bum's buns. He screamed and yelled and soon the farmer arrived. "Call off your dog," pleaded the tramp. "I can't," answered the farmer. "His name is Sick'm."

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What is a grasshopper? An insect on a pogo stick!

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My sister wanted to marry a man clever enough to make a lot of money but dumb enough to spend it on her!

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What did the bus conductor say to the frog? Hop on!

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What is the best advice to give to worm? Sleep late!

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Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with." They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball." Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels. At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"

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What's the biggest moth in the world? A mammoth!

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One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?" To which the man replied, "Get in line."

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Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, Lie to me!

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Which side of a dog has the most hair? The outside, of course.

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The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

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What is 6 inches long, has a big head and Woman love it? A $100 dollar bill!

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Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on. The more it hurts.

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Q: What did the football say to the football player? A: I get a kick out of you.

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What do baby cats wear? Dia-purrs!

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Who helped Cinderella's cat go to the ball? Her furry godmother!

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What has 2,000 eyes and 4,000 feet? A thousand dogs.

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Why is the cat so grouchy? Because he's in a bad mewd.

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What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary? A peeping tom!

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An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality. "If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?" "I'd have to say the living one."

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Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

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Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them!

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Why doesn't Kermit the Frog like elephants? They always want to play leap frog with him!

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Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the ladies room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one wish is granted. However, if one tells a lie then with a “POOF” you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. So, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." “POOF” The mirror swallows her. Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive." “POOF” The mirror swallows her. Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think. . . ." “POOF”

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A great big sheep dog was sent to a kennel, where his owners hoped he might learn to stop jumping up on everybody who came into their home. At the kennel he got into a conversation with a tiny French poodle. "My name's Josette," said the little dog, "what's yours?""I'm not sure," said the sheep dog, "but I think it's Downboy."

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A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses...."

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Q: How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A: You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

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Tarzan was tired when he came home. "What have you been doing", asked Jane.

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It's my birthday! How about a birthday kiss? (Is it really your birthday?) No, but how about a kiss anyway?

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