Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.

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Q: How do you define confusion? A: A blind lesbian in a fish market!

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Why did the cat frown when she passed the hen house? Because she heard fowl language!

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Why are Chihuahuas such good bedtime storytellers? They have short tales!

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A guy goes to the doctor... He says, "Doc, every time I drink coffee I feel a sharp pain in my right eye." The doctor asks, "Did you take out the spoon?"

I asked a city dweller "Do you know where the post office is?" He said, "Yes," and kept right on walking.

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What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? Bigfoot has been spotted.

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How does a blonde get hurt raking leaves? She falls out of the tree!

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What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? The winner of a hide and seek game.

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Q: What word begins with the letter "F" and ends in "uck"? A: Firetruck

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Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left it!

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Q: What's the difference between love and herpes? A: Love doesn't last forever.

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How does a Chihuahua hide in the desert? It uses camel-flage!

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Why couldn't the Chihuahua play basketball? Because its basketball shoes were in the wash and a tennis player needed the ball!

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Q: Where do fish sleep? A: In a river bed

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A guy came home to his wife and said to her: "Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 AM start, 2 PM finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!" "That's great," his wife said. "Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start on Monday."

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Did you hear about the stupid water-polo player? His horse drowned …

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Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was some money in the kitty!

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What has four wheels and flies? A rubbish bin!

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What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

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How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?

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A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

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How do you make 5 lbs. of fat attractive? Put a nipple on it.

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My dad is really good at playing hide n' seek! It's been 12 years since we started and I still haven't found him!

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Do you know why god created leprosy? He needed someone to lend him a hand!

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So I'm reading that "twerking" and "selfie" have been added to the dictionary. "Future" and "optimism" have been removed...

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One idiot said to the other, "You know, there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.

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How is a cat laying down like a coin? Because he has his head on one side and his tail on the other!

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What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer? Light ale!

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Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing?" He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear." The first guy says, "I don"'t have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."

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