Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it the looser it gets!

Q: How are husbands like lawn mowers? A: They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.

More Pictures

                       

How do you spell mousetrap in just three letters? C-A-T!

More Pictures

                       

A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks, "Is anyone here a doctor. "One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says, "I'm a doctor, what can I help you with?" "I've been stung by a bee." "Oh really, where?" "Between the first and second hole" "Well, first of all, your stance is too wide..."

More Pictures

                       

What wears a black, white, and tan coat but has no hair? A bald beagle!

More Pictures

                       

Q: Do you know why Iraq's navy has glass bottomed ships? A: So the sailors can see their air force!

More Pictures

                       

When someone asks me if I'm busy, it always sounds like a trick question.

Which part of an eagle is the hardest? The pecker.

More Pictures

                       

Do you know what my grandmother would be doing today if she was alive? Scratching at her coffin.

What did one flea say to the other after a night out? Shall we walk home or take a dog?

More Pictures

                       

How can you tell if a Chihuahua has been in the refrigerator? Paw prints in the butter!

More Pictures

                       

What's the best sport to learn when you are moving? Boxing

More Pictures

                       

I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?

More Pictures

                       

How many letters are in the alphabet during the Christmas Season? Only 25...because there's Noel.

More Pictures

                       

The bartender looked up in surprise as the big shaggy dog sauntered into the bar. "I'll have a Scotch and water," said the dog. The bartender placed the drink in front of him and the dog downed it in one gulp. "That'll be $10," said the bartender, hoping to take advantage of the creature. The dog paid it and started to leave. "You know," said the bartender, "we don't see many dogs in this bar." "Yeah," scowled the dog, "and at $10 a drink you won't see any more, either."

More Pictures

                       

One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."

More Pictures

                       

Two americans were walking through Leicester but couldn't agree on how to pronounce it so they decided to stop for lunch and ask the waitress. They sat down to eat their lunch and called the waitress over: "Can you tell us where we are please but say it slowly", to which the waitress replied "Bur-ger Ki-ng"

More Pictures

                       

What do Filipinos call Canada? Upper U.S. Did you hear about the Irishman who tried to swim the English channel? Halfway across he decided he couldn't make it so he swam back.

More Pictures

                       

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig. The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!" The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"

More Pictures

                       

How do Chihuahuas eat so much? They make a lot go a little way!

More Pictures

                       

What is a chameleon's motto? A change is as good as a rest!

More Pictures

                       

There was a guy who was in love with a beautiful woman, but he had a speech impediment and she wouldn't marry him because he talked funny. He learned of a school that could help him, so he enrolled and was gone for about 3 months. When he came back, his buddy picked him up at the airport and asked, "How'd it go, are you cured?" He said, "Well - sort - of - but - I - must - talk - real - slow - now." His buddy says, "That's OK, she loves you, she'll marry you." So he drops him off at her house. About 2 hours later he's back at his buddy's house. His buddy say's, "Well, how'd it go, are you going to get married?" He said, "No, - I - don't - think - so." His buddy asked, "What happened?" He said, "Well, - we - were - sitting - on - the - couch - talking - and - I - saw - the - cat - playing - with - the - balls - on - the - Christmas - tree - and - I - said, - " Look, - Honey, - after - we're - married , - you - can - do - that - to - me", - but, - by - the - time - I - said - it - and - she - looked, - the - cat - was - licking - his - ass!"

More Pictures

                       

RIP hacker who was spying on me through my Laptop's camera. Died of boredom.

More Pictures

                       

Q: Why did the gorilla fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead.

More Pictures

                       

What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator? The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out!

More Pictures

                       

What kind of dog doesn't do well in hot weather? A faint Bernard!

More Pictures

                       

Why wasn't the vampire working? He was on his coffin break.

More Pictures

                       

Teacher: Jeff, have you been copying Johnny's test again? Jeff: Yes, but how did you know? Teacher: On question #1, Johnny put down "I don't know". And you put down "Me neither".

More Pictures

                       

Why did the cat cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!

More Pictures

                       

Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

More Pictures

                       

What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog? A croaker spaniel!

More Pictures