Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer? A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.

Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.

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Why did the blonde get on the roof? She heard that the drinks were on the house.

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My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, "Do you think you'll be next?" We settled this quickly once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

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What sound does a bouncing plane make? Boeing boeing boeing

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Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.

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What did the dog say to the pig? You are just a bore.

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What do you call a dog in jeans and a sweater? A plain clothes police dog!

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I took the bus home when I was drunk yesterday. Unfortunately they made me give it back today...

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The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?!" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast!"

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What does a cat do when it gets mad? It has a hissy fit.

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What are the worst six years in a blonde's life? Third Grade.

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A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.

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Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your door? A: The knocking always speeds up.

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Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep. When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything. The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream." "That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh." "That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?" The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

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Why can't Chihuahuas run marathons? They're short of breath!

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A blonde walks into a electronic store and asks the manager, "Can I buy that TV" "No" "Why not?" "Because your a blonde." So the blonde goes out and dyes her hair red. She returned to the electronic store and said, "Can I buy that TV?" "No" "Why not?" "Your a blonde." So the blonde goes and shaves her hair off and returns to the electronic store and says, "Can I buy that TV?" "No" "Why not?" "You're a blonde" "How can you tell I'm a blonde, I dyed my hair red, then shaved it off!" "Because that's not a TV, that's a microwave!"

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C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!

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I hate lying people, they're always in my way to the ocean.

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Why did the programmer get a job at the photographers? They needed a developer.

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A blonde, brunette and redhead passed away in a car accident. They arrive at the pearly gates and they are told they will be told a joke every 10 steps and they must make it up 100 steps. If they laugh they will not able to get in. The brunette went up 30 steps and laughed. The redhead went up 50 steps and laughed. The blonde got up all the way to the top and then started laughing hysterically. When asked "Why did you laugh when you got to the top?" The blonde replied, "I just got the first joke!"

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How did the Chihuahua disappear on the road? It was using a hide-'n-go-seekle!

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A lady goes to the dentist. In the chair, the dentist notices a little brown spot on one of her teeth. "Aha, cavity! I'll have to drill this one out!" says the dentist. "Oh no, I'd rather have a child!!!" cries the lady. "In that case, I will have to adjust the chair first" replies the dentist.

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What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!

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A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying "Ehhhh ..22!". The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?". The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!". This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!". The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?" "Ohh that!", replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' "

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Is there a mouse in the house? No, but there's a moose on the loose!

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How do you know carrots improve your vision? Cause you've never seen any bunnies with glasses

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Q: What's the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer? A: The taste!

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Sister: Why are you putting the saddle on backward ? Brother: How do you know which way I'm going ?

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Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery? He's so happy that he's giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.

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Q: What do you call a Sleeping Bull? A: A Bull-Dozer!

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