What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left it!

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What did the dog say after a hard day at work ? Today sure was ruff

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I've decided to start my own herb garden. I've got a lot of extra Thyme.

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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion."

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Why are Chihuahuas such good bedtime storytellers? They have short tales!

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Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea. "I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous." "My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit." "How?" "I hid his teeth."

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One day I went over to my neighbors house. She was a blonde and for some reason she was mad at the world. She was in the bathroom and the door was locked. I said, "Come on, you know you don't want to do this!" She said, "I do wanna do this, nobody wants me alive anyways." For some reason I actually beleived her and pushed through the door. She had a rope tied to her ankles. I asked "Aren't you trying to hang yourself?" "Yes, whats your point?" "Well, usually when people hang themselves they tie the rope around their necks" "Yeah well, I tried that, But then I couldn't breathe."

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I went to the hairdresser and she asked how I'd like my hair cut. In silence.

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Why is divorce so expensive? Because it is worth it..

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What did Shawn like most about his trip to Paris? "He said it was lovely to hear the French pheasants singing the Mayonnaise."

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What is green, barks, and carries a torch? The statue of Chihuahua!

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Who gave the dog a black eye? Nobody gave it to him. He had to fight for it.

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Q: Why did god create Adam before he created eve? A: Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

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How did I escape Iraq? Iran

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An evil genie captured a brunette, a redhead, and a dumb blonde and banished them all to the desert for a week. The genie allowed them each to bring one thing. The brunette brought a canteen so she wouldn't die of thirst. The redhead brought an umbrella so she could keep the sun off. The dumb blonde brought a car door, so if it got too hot out, she could just roll down the window!

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Why does the Philippines ban rectal thermometers? They cause too much rain'>brain damage.

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How did the dog make gold soup? He put in 24 carrots.

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I hate people that drink in order to have fun. Why can't they say it's great just to drink, whether you have fun or not?

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When is a car like a frog? When it's becing toad!

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Q: What did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall? A: Damn

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Doctor, said the patient, "I need help! I can't stop acting like a cat!" "How long have you had this problem?" the doctor asked. "Lest's see," said the patient, "Mom had the litter in '41."

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Why do pens get sent to prison? To do long sentences!

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Why was the mother flea so unhappy? All her children had gone to the dogs.

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What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!

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Two blondes came into a bar, sat down, and ordered drinks. They were making merry in a serious way and it was obvious to the bartender that they were celebrating something big. His curiosity finally got the better of him and he says " I hate to be nosy, but it's obvious that you two are celebrating something big. What's the occasion" One blonde replies "Well, we are just sooo proud of ourselves, because we just finished - just the two of us alone - a 50 piece jigsaw puzzle in only 3 days." Confused, the bartender says "So?", to which the other blonde says "Well, on the box it says 3 - 5 years"

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A man took his dog to the vets and asked the vet to completely remove the dogs tail. The vet confused said "Why do you want me to do that? The dogs tail is perfectly healthy." The man replied "Well the wifes mother comes this weekend and I want to make sure there are no signs of any welcome!"

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Q: What are the four worst words you could hear during a round of golf? A: It's still your turn!

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I’m only here in spirit at the moment, but if you’ll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I’m here in person.

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Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

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What did the angry man sing when he found his slippers chewed up by the new puppy? "I must throw that doggie out the window!"

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