My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die. "Usually an overdose, son," I told him.

A blonde was walking down the street with her blouse wide open. The police goes over and tell her excuse me do you know your blouse is open. The blonde screams "OH MY GOD I LEFT MY BABY ON THE BUS."

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This deodorant says: "Avoid contact with eyes." Too late... I've already seen it.

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Q: How did bulldogs get such flat noses? A: From chasing cars.

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Q: Do you know what an Australian kiss is? A: It's like a French kiss, but down under.

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A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and says "Hey bartender give me a beer". The bartender says - "I'm sorry we don't serve food here".

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What do you call a dog in jeans and a sweater? A plain clothes police dog!

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Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes. His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!" His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"

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Doctor doctor people keep telling me I'm ugly! Lay on the couch face down.

A man has to leave the country on business'>business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately.After about a week of no news the business'>business man received a telegram: "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday..."

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Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on. The more it hurts.

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What kind of dog doesn't do well in hot weather? A faint Bernard!

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Detective: I am on the trail of a cat burglar Sergeant: How do you know it's a cat burglar? Detective: All it stole was a saucer and a pint of milk

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How come anteaters never get sick? Because they're full of antibodies!

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Did you hear about the dumb father who returned from lunch and saw a sign on his door, "Back in 30 minutes," so he sat down to wait for himself?

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What do you want your husbands gravestone to say? Wife: "Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one."

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What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese!

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What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear? A petticoat!

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What is black and white and red all over? A Dalmatian with a bad sunburn.

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(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...

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Fulton was walking down the main street of a small town, with a dog on a leash. The animal was a miserable-looking, mangy flea ridden, purple-eyed pup. "Where are you going with that mutt?" asked a friend. "Oh, I'm taking him to the New York Dog Show." "That flea-bitten, raggedy-looking character? You'll never win a prize with him!" "Yes, I know," he replied, "but it'll give him a chance to meet a lot of real nice dogs."

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What is the cat's favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.

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A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.

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What is the only kind of dog you can eat? A hot dog!

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Hotchkis wanted to sell his Doberman, so he asked the local pet shop owner to look at the animal. "This is a good dog," said Hotchkis. "It cost me $1,000, but I'll let you have it for only $50." "That's a rather big reduction," said the pet shop owner. "Is there something wrong with it?" "No," said the man. "The fact is it turned on my wife one day and killed her, and now I've got no further use for it"

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If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have? Someone else's pants on.

Why don't blondes eat Jello? They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packets.

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The famous rock and roll star was constantly stopped on the street by fans. Swooning girls would kiss his hand and tear pieces of clothing from his body. They even begged for locks of his hair, which he agreed to send in the mail. And did. One day a friend said, "You keep this up and you're gonna go bald in no time." "Not me." he answered with a wink. "My dog!"

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In the near future, little old ladies won't know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they'll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

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Q: How are women and rocks alike? A: You skip across the flat ones.

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What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him, he still won't come!

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