A woman's shoes say a lot about her feelings believe it or not. For example, if they're behind her ears, she likes you.

What do you say when you find two banana peels together? Answer: A pair of slipper

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What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla? An animal that puts you out a night!

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Why can't the T-rex clap its hands? Because it's dead.

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Q: What side of the dog has the most fur? A: The Outside.

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Q: Why can't Chinese Barbecue? A: Because the rice falls through the grill

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What do you get if cross a frog with some mist? Kermit the Fog!

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Why did the creepy hipster get arrested? Because he was following people before Instagram.

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The phrase "you two deserve each other" sounds like a compliment, but never is.

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A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question. "If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?" After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet." They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her. Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her. Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun." The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?" The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"

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Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? A: Because she got an F in sex.

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Why is it better to be a grasshopper than a cricket? Because grasshoppers can play cricket but crickets can't play grasshopper!

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Why did the dog say meow? He was learning a foreign language.

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Treat your guests like family, so they don't stay too long.

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I always thought air was free. Until I bought a bag of chips...

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Well, one night a boy and his girlfriend are out on a date and as the boy pull in his girlfriends drive-way to let her out she tells him to come over the next night for dinner and meet her parents. The boy agrees and the girl says to him that after dinner they will make love. Well the boy agrees and as he is on his way home, he thinks to himself ,"This will be my first time sleeping with someone, so before I go over to her house ill stop by the pharmacy and buy some condoms". Well that day went by and they young boy was on his way to the pharmacy, and as he purchased the condoms the pharmacist gives him a mean look, the boy thinks nothing of it and goes on. Well, when the boy is at his girlfriends house, her mother asks him to say the blessing before dinner, well the boy is going on and on about stuff during the prayer and his girlfriend leans to him and says " I didn't know you were such a religious person" and the boy says back " I didn't know your dad is a pharmacist".

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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is!” My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

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Party Host: Hello? Phone Caller: I'm trying to reach a Ms. Nidiot. Her first name is Ima. Could you please ask if anybody at your party knows her? Party Host: I'd be glad to. Please hold on. (shouts) Excuse me, but does anybody know Ima Nidiot?

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What does a cat like to eat on a hot day? A mice cream cone.

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When someone asks me if I'm busy, it always sounds like a trick question.

Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them!

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How many idiots who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in a light bulb? Change it to what?

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Q: What do you call a Marine with an IQ of 160? A: Platoon

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Treadwell walked into a Biloxi stationery store and asked, "Have you got any invisible ink?" "Certainly sir," said the owner. "What color?"

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One day, a blonde and a brunette were driving to a party and they were speeding because they were late. "Watch out for cops," the brunette said. They drove on for about five minutes when suddenly the blonde said nervously, "I think that's a cop behind us." "Is it after us?" the brunette questioned. "Er, um..." answered the blonde. "Well, is it?" asked the brunette with a growing temper. "I don't know..." "Well are it's lights on?" insisted the brunette. Replied the blonde, "Yes... no... yes... no... yes... no... yes... no..."

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My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die. "Usually an overdose, son," I told him.

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What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? An air bag.

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My friend is so silly that he spent two weeks in a revolving door looking for the doorknob!

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Please leave a tone after the message.

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Q: How do you sink a polish battleship? A: Put it in water!

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How do you know carrots improve your vision? Cause you've never seen any bunnies with glasses

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