The phrase "you two deserve each other" sounds like a compliment, but never is.

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her name tag)? A: "'Debbie'. . . that's cute. What did you name the other one?"

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Mrs. Pennington was out walking her small Pekingese when she stopped to look down at an excavation where men were working. In one corner, a giant crane was stuck in a mudhole, and the men were trying to pull it out with the aid of a tractor. After a minute, Mrs. Pennington noticed the foreman standing next to her. "Lady, could we borrow your dog for a minute?" he asked. "What for?" "We'll hitch him up," said the man in charge, "and pull out that there crane." "What?" said the woman. "How can that little dog lift that great big crane? It's impossible!" "Oh, that's okay, lady," said the foreman. "We got whips."

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Two blondes thought they would save money by re-siding their house themselves. After assembling all the necessary materials, the 1st blond put on a nail bag and started pounding in nails. As the 2nd blonde brought over another piece of siding, she watched the 1st blonde take out a nail, look at it, and then throw it over her shoulder. The next nail she pounded in, after looking at it first. The 2nd blonde watched this routine for sometime, and finally asked the 1st blonde why she was throwing some of nails over her shoulder. The 1st blonde said that when she pulled out a nail from the bag & looked at it, if the point of the nail was facing her, the nail had to be defective! The 2nd blonde said "Those nails are not defective. They're for the other side of the house!

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"Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!"

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Q: What goes 99 click? A: A centipede with a wooden leg.

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What do you call a blonde with a leather jacket? A rebel without a clue.

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What do you get the man who has everything? Antibiotics

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We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

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Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

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What does the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor?

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What do you get if cross a cat with a canary? Shredded tweet!

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What did the diver say to the oyster? I want that pearl! Don't be shellfish!

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What wears a black, white, and tan coat but has no hair? A bald beagle!

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A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take. He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" "No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."

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Q: What word begins with the letter "F" and ends in "uck"? A: Firetruck

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What is a Chihuahua's favorite sport? Miniature golf!

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Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? A: Their balls are just for decoration.

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Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage. Don't talk rubbish!

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Q: How do you tell one end of a worm from the other? A: Put it in a bowl of flour and wait for it to fart.

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What sound does a bouncing plane make? Boeing boeing boeing

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How do you know when your cat has been using your computer? When your mouse has teeth marks on it!

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Why did the poor dog chase his own tail? He was trying to make both ends meet!

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Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!

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Fred: Do you think I'm a fool? Harry: No. But what's my opinion against thousands of others?

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A blonde complained to her friend, "I can never trust my boyfriend. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his!"

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Tyfus applied for a job in a factory. The company doctor who was giving him a physical asked, "Have your eyes ever been checked?" "No," said the worker. "They've always been brown."

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After thirty-five years of marriage, Bernie is lying on his deathbed and with a tear in his eye he says "Annabel'>Annabel before I die I have to tell you something". She replies "Yes, yes dear anything what is it?" He starts, "The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health." To which the wife nods her head and he continues, "When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going. When our kids grew up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me! And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time. Annabel'>Annabel You've been through everything with me." Bernie says, "So before I die I just want you to know you're a f**king jinx!"

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Q: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? A: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

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Q: What's the quickest way to a woman's heart? A: Straight through the rib cage.

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