How do I get to the other side? Blonde: You are on the other side.

I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my rain'>brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

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I know a guy who survived an 8000-foot fall out of a plane. Until he hit the ground.

What kind of pictures does a mermaid take on her phone? Shelfies.

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A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!" The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot six!" This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!" The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks - "What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?" "Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead,"I was just running through that song - 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'

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Connie stopped at a pet shop and soon fell in love with the puppy playing in the window. She entered the shop to inquire about the pup's pedigree. "The mother is a pure bred Scottie," said the proprietor. "As for the father... well, the father comes from a very good neighbourhood.

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What's happening when you hear "woof... splat... meow... splat?" It's raining cats and dogs.

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What's the difference between talking to your wife after you forgot something and a minefield? You can actually get through the minefield alive.

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Did you hear about the Omaha mother who got tired of putting name tags on her son's shirts, so she had his name legally changed to "Machine Washable"?

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I feel like Richard Gere, I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.

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A beagle was complaining to a basset that he felt poorly. "Nothing physical," he said. "Just bored, always tired, never really in top form." "Well," said the basset, "why don't you see a psychiatrist?" "How can I see a psychiatrist?" said the beagle. "You know I'm not allowed on couches."

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What is a Rastafarian's favorite country? Yemen

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Why does a Chihuahua have four legs? So it can count past three!

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Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking "Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?"

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Q: Why did the jellybean go to school? A: Because he wanted to be a smarty

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Hendrix didn't need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

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Cieslak and Wazlicki were sitting at the corner saloon having a beer. "Hey," said Cieslak, "I bet I got riddle you can't get!" "Okay," said Wazlicki, "go 'head." "What look like dog, and bark like dog?" "A dog." "Oh," said the first Polack. "You heard that one before."

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A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

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A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store. His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?" "No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

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Pupil: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher: Of course not Pupil: Good, because I didn't do my homework

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A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...Broiled Missionary: $25.00Fried Explorer: $35.00Baked Politician: $100.00.The cannibal called the waiter over and asked , "Why such a price difference for the politician?"The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"

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There was a dumb blonde out on a rowboat one day in the middle of a wheat field. Then another dumb blonde drives by and yells to the one in a rowboat, "It's people like you that give us a bad name!! And if I could swim I would go out there to kick your butt!!!

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What does a Chihuahua call its mom and dad? Chimama and Chipapa!

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Excuse me, I think you have something in your eye. Nope, it's just a sparkle.

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Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards? A: A new age song.

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As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?" "Just snow," replied the stewardess. "That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."

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What do you get when you breed a rabbit with an elephant? A dead rabbit with a beat-up asshole.

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What is the insect's favorite game? Cricket!

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What squeaks as it solves crimes? Miami mice!

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Do Chihuahuas have horns? Many have violins but very few have horns!

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When does a dog go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!

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