What did the Cannibal get for dinner after offending his wife? The cold shoulder.

How does Dracula like to have his food served? In bite-sized pieces.

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What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog? A croaker spaniel!

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What kind of pole is short and floppy? A tadpole!

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What does a cat do when it gets mad? It has a hissy fit.

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The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

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What kind of dog chases anything red? A bull dog!

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How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted!

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What kind of cats purrs the best? Purrrrr-sians!

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Benson and his dog were sitting at a bar. He ordered two martinis. Benson handed one to the dog, who promptly drank it, then ate the glass until only the base and stem remained. Then he left. "That's the craziest thing I've ever seen," said the bartender. "Yeah, he's a dumb dog," said Benson. "The stem is the best part."

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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Getting injected with tetanus.

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A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

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Where do frogs leave their hats and coats? In the croakroom!

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What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear? A petticoat!

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A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat. "Are you crazy" yelled the customer, "sticking your thumb in my steak?!" "What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

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My friend is so stupid he thinks that an autograph is a chart showing sales figures for cars.

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I am writing a book about the history of camping. It's all in past tents.

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Q: What's the difference between engagement and hemaroihds? A: When the hemaroihds are over you at least get the ring back!

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My phone got arrested today... It was charged with battery.

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Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback? A: Turn off the carousel.

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An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

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How does it feel to be the most beautiful girl in this room?

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Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

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Have you heard the joke about the corrupt government? [Content Removed]

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What position is the best for a Chihuahua to play in baseball? Shortstop!

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Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm so depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.

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Say, your house is burning. "That's okay. I got enough lumber in the attic to build a new one.

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What goes cackle cackle boom? A witch in a minefield.

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How can you tell a dogwood tree? By its bark!

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Zack and Tybe, two Alabama farm boys, bought themselves a truckload of watermelons for a buck apiece. They sold each one for a dollar. After counting up their cash, they realized they'd wound up with the same amount of money they'd started out with. "See!" said Tybe. "Ah told yew we shoulda got a bigger truck!"

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How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!

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